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Relationships

Is it me? Is my husbands behaviour normal?

321 replies

user1492849995 · 22/04/2017 10:37

Hi,

I just want someone else's perspective on my current situation with my husband as I feel like I'm going mad and like he's making me out to be a crazy woman. He knows I'm posting this here and has specifically asked that I post how I behave and react as he thinks I'm abnormal and unreasonable so I'm going to be completely honest.

My husband started a new job 6 months ago and has got on well with colleagues. His phone often went at home with his boss wanting to chat and that was fine - I even encouraged it because I want him to enjoy his work and he wants to climb the ladder. This boss would ring once most evenings and send the odd text or two. He would also occasionally (every few days) get the odd text from other colleagues.

Since he started, he's arranged and participated in a couple of nights out and I've been happy enough to drop him off.

A couple of months ago, he became good friends with a female colleague who is married but they get on well. He says as friends and I have no reason not to believe this. However, since he became friends with her, his phone is bleeping with messages on and off all evening, through text and Facebook. He initiates as many of the conversations as she does and it's all waffle about rubbish mainly but friend chat. Over the last few days as an example, there have been messages on and off from teatime until literally when he's laid in bed to say 'goodnight'.

We had a big fall out last weekend as we've not been close for years. Not because I didn't want us to be close but we had got into a rut and he didn't make much of an effort so I felt a bit rubbish. He was honest that he saw me as a sister and didn't find me attractive as I had let myself go. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, all week I have dressed up, done my hair and make up and made an effort not to nag and to be happy and more fun to be around. He has said I look nice and has initiated sex a couple of times this week and said he does find me attractive now (find it hard to believe after a few days but I have low self esteem). I said last weekend that we needed to spend more quality time together and he needs to show willing and not be on his phone all night, yet last few nights he's been on his phone until midnight to this friend.

I didn't want to have more fall outs as I promised not to be a nag so ignored the texts the night before but ended up with an argument last night. I thought it was unreasonable to be messaging her and hearing the phone ping all night until bedtime (especially less than a week after a fall out) and felt he wasn't valuing our time when the kids were in bed. We were sat together and the tv is on but we can't watch anything together as hes got his phone in his hand and is messaging back and forth throughout the evening. I felt like we have another person sat with us, but he doesn't understand this and says I'm being OTT, that I'm jealous (i am jealous of the time and attention he pays to her but not of her).

He says it's normal for people with friends to text each other a lot and rude not to and that it's all in my head. I don't have any close friends so wouldn't know if it's normal or not but to me, it seemed excessive and left no time for us. It wasn't even important stuff they were talking about. He says the content doesn't matter and that it's fun. When I said I thought it was just too much, he rants about how I don't want him to have friends or a life and makes it sound like I wanted him never to text. I was clear that it wasn't that he was messaging her but that it was too many messages, cutting into our time and that he wasn't making an effort with us. He said he had to text back because it would be rude not to when she has text him, but doesn't see anything rude in sitting next to me and virtually ignoring me.

We've got up this morning and I'm still angry and hurt because I took all the appearance criticism on the chin last weekend and have tried so hard to make an effort on my appearance. He thinks he's made an effort by complimenting me and initiating sex and therefore I think he feels that I should then allow him to do what he likes with his evenings and be grateful. Is he really making an effort? Would this be enough to make you happy? I feel like I just get him back in bed but that he doesn't really want to spend any quality time with me, even when we have the chance after the kids go to bed.

In fairness to him, I don't know if it is just me being unreasonable? I don't have friends so wouldn't know what is normal. I have low self esteem (partly brought on I think by feeling unappreciated and unloved). I honestly don't feel jealous of her and don't think he's 'at it' with her as he assumes I do. I just feel like I must not be fun enough or connect well enough with him, for him to feel like he wants to start a conversation with her instead of talking and doing things with me. So maybe it is my low self esteem that's at fault. I know he thinks it's all me.

He's recently been telling her that we should all meet up (me and her husband too and our kids) and do things together and doesn't understand why I'm not keen. He says it's because I haven't any friends and I just want to live alone, but it's because I feel she's in between our relationship at the moment (only of course as my husband is allowing her to be) but it isn't making me want to spend my free time with her.

He talks about it being rude not to text back which I get but he intiates a lot of the conversations, knowing she will ask things back and he will in turn have to respond. This then goes on and on.

We have been out for lunch/dinner twice this week. Once with kids and once alone. On both occasions, whilst in the restaurant or when leaving, he's already texting her about where he is and what he's doing. Again, knowing she will respond. I just feel like he can't bear to spend time alone with me or even me and the kids.

He thinks it's all my fault now because he's suggested going out as a family this morning and I'm not keen now. However, this is after a row last night and him not understanding my feelings at all. He also woke up and realised she had messaged him before bed and has already exchanged a few more messages this morning (to be polite). It's made me so angry and I don't want to just jump when he tells me to this morning. He even texts this colleague before work and during work sometimes, and obviously sees a fair bit of her at work too. Again, the texts aren't anything important - just 'wakey wakey' etc and it goes on from there.

He has tried to pretend that he's only sent a few messages some nights when I know full well from the pings that he's been texting much more. So I have looked at his phone to prove him wrong. He says I'm controlling for reading them but I genuinely don't care about the content, I'm just wanting to see that I'm not going mad and that he has been at it all night (not the hour or so he owns up to). I've said he could change his passwords etc because i don't want to read the messages, but because I have looked, I'm now just a mad, controlling wife. But he had lied and I knew he had so this was to prove my point.

I have in the past been controlling. Before having kids, I got jealous of every woman he met. I did hate it when he went out without me and would be in a mood or cause a fall out on his return. He cut ties with some friends and tells me it was my fault. It wasn't as they all moved on but I didn't make it easy to have contact with them.

Since then, we've had kids and I've grown up. My confidence has still been rock bottom but I've allowed him out on occasional nights out and haven't moaned or caused fall outs. I've bought him a new shirt and dropped him off. I've even been ok about the work nights out but this constant texting and lack of connection between us is driving me mad.

He now says that he accepts he was wrong and won't text late at night, but this is only because I've had to tell him it's unreasonable and to be honest, he seems pretty fed up at having to do this. I don't want to be with a man who has to be told to spend time with me or suggest something fun for us to do. He says all 'normal' folk are the same, that they're on their phone all the time and texting and friends are just part of a normal life. So he obviously doesn't see anything wrong in his behaviour and would just be changing to please me. But that doesn't please me because he hasn't actually decided to put us first, I've had to tell him to and that makes me feel rotten.

Am I wrong? I feel like I'm going mad!

OP posts:
Winterc00kie · 22/04/2017 10:41

Simple- your not in the wrong he is.

If he knows its upsetting you and he is carrying on regardless then he has no respect for you.

Winterc00kie · 22/04/2017 10:43

And what fully grown adult texts another saying wakey wakey?

I think there is more going on with the woman to be honest xx

Mo55chop5 · 22/04/2017 10:44

You both sound like incredibly hard work tbh.

He should stop texting as much because it does sound obsessive but at the same time you could stop obsessing about it and actually do something yourself rather than sit seething in the same room

intheknickersoftime · 22/04/2017 10:45

Wow, he's done a number on you hasn't he? He's selfish, mean, inconsiderate and has gone out of his way to make you feel insecure. Don't let him tell you any different. What a shit Angry

LoveDeathPrizes · 22/04/2017 10:48

Nope. You are absolutely in the right. And I'm kind of furious on your behalf that tells you you're not attractive then attempts sex. You shouldn't be negged by your own DH.

She's monopolising his time in and out of work. Why on earth should you be okay with that?

ItsCakeTime · 22/04/2017 10:50

He's a prick.

And of they're not having an affair they're well on the way. I wonder if her husband realises they're texting that much?

gamerchick · 22/04/2017 10:50

Come on OP, go have a cup of tea.. Come back and read your post again. If you still can't see it get a pal to read it.

Your husband is a prick. You can quote me.

gamerchick · 22/04/2017 10:51

See, Xpost. Prick is the word that springs to mind.

Dozer · 22/04/2017 10:51

OP is much too long, but the upshot seems to be that your H is either already having or working up to an affair. His "friendship" with this colleague is totally inappropriate.

Plus, his boundaries around work and home life seem poor.

Saying he no long feels sexual towards you is part of "the script" for cheaters.

Dozer · 22/04/2017 10:52

And seeking to make you question yourself rather than admitting to his unacceptable behaviour is gaslighting.

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

witwootoodleoo · 22/04/2017 10:52

In the nicest way possible you do sound quite high maintenance. But your husband sounds like a complete cock. He's basically convinced you to be grateful for the fact he's bothering to have sex with you whilst he's having an emotional affair.

He might actually be quite lonely if he's ended up isolated from all his friends and finds this a way of being sociable, but it doesn't make it right.

Would you both consider counselling? It sounds like there's a lot to unpick here.

NotStoppedAllDay · 22/04/2017 10:52

Def more going on with her.....

ShiningArmour · 22/04/2017 10:53

You're right he's wrong and an inconsiderate twat! I'd go nuts if my dh was behaving like this, perhaps you should find a man to constantly text and see how he likes it! And telling you he doesn't find you attractive, well point him to the door and tell him to fuck off rather than demean yourself by dressing up, fuck that!

Zampa · 22/04/2017 10:53

My gut feeling is that he's having an emotional affair.

I doubt it will come to anything physical but it's clearly affecting your relationship.

He needs to listen to you and acknowledge your feelings.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 22/04/2017 10:56

He is taking the piss, is probably having an affair and I would not be suprtised if he dumped you and the kids and ran off.
I'd divorce him, no man should make you feel bad about yourself like this.

Damia · 22/04/2017 11:00

Different people text friends different amounts of course but how many of his male friends has he ever texted from wakey wakey in the morning all day to saying goodnight? I'm going to guess none.

I'd meet up with her and her family. I'd love to know how her partner feels about it.

Glittermakeseverythingbetter · 22/04/2017 11:00

How old is he? 12 ?
Messaging a colleague, male OR female, that many times is not normal, and downright rude to do when the two of you are out together. He sounds very immature.
Have you heard of gaslighting? Op?
Why do you have no friends?
I'm guessing he treats you like the household skivvy/doormat and that he almost makes you feel like you are lucky to have him dosent he? Becaus no one else would put up with you!! I bet he's said that hasn't he?
I wouldn't want to meet up with this other woman either. She sounds just as needy and deranged as him.
Get yourself some self esteem back, you deserve so much better.

gamerchick · 22/04/2017 11:01

Well it's obvious it's an emotional affair. He probably doesn't realise that himself which is why he's adamant he's not doing anything wrong.

Putting that much energy into another woman while slagging off your wife to her face is never alright in any universe.

ShiningArmour · 22/04/2017 11:02

Bin him op!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2017 11:05

Its not you its him.

He has made you feel like rubbish over the intervening years and now he is having an emotional affair with this work colleague.

What do you get out of this relationship now, why have you stayed with him to date?. Why do you have no friends and no confidence?. His doing in the main?

choppednutaddict · 22/04/2017 11:06

How old is he?

LesisMiserable · 22/04/2017 11:12

I think they sound like mates. And when you get a good mate at work all of a sudden you can get a bit carried away and giddy.

I think you not having friends is an issue, this guy is your whole life by the sounds of it. You need to sort this for yourself quite apart from him. You are relying heavily on him for your self esteem so of course its fragile.

I can't say he's in the wrong for getting excited about his new friend. However, he's obviously comparing you and her and rightly or wrongly asking you to step up your game a bit, that's fair warning. He deserves an interesting fulfilling relationship with you and you do with him. If it was me I would meet up with her and husband and kids to be honest and try and widen your social circle.

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TheNaze73 · 22/04/2017 11:13

I'm with mo55 you do both sound like hard work.

Life really shouldn't be this difficult

WhisperingLoudly · 22/04/2017 11:14

Your husband is behaving appallingly but he won't accept it.

I have no doubt he'll write off all of the feedback here as being from awful women with their own issues.

I'm sorry he is treating you like this. There really is more to life. I'd leave him.

JustSpeakSense · 22/04/2017 11:16

He is texting another woman (until midnight? Saying 'goodnight' before bed? Messaging several times a night, every night?)

Not normal, he's crossing the line.

You don't like it, and have asked him to stop but he won't as he insists you are in the wrong.

He is in the wrong here, and clearly doesn't care about you or your marriage. Please start thinking about leaving him.

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