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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Why does dating have to be so hard?

67 replies

Popcorn08 · 22/04/2017 09:10

Just feeling a bit pathetic, fed up, and sorry for myself at the moment!!
Haven't dated anybody for a year, haven't been in an actual relationship for 20 months...

Most the time I am not unhappy being single. I have lots of friends, good social life, go to the gym, have a job I enjoy... but I do want to date, I do want male company, physical affection, someone to go on dates with ect... I'm not even saying I want a serious LTR, but just to date would be nice!!

But people seem to make it so complicated! I'm fed up of all the 'rules', all the games people play because you can't text back too quick because you will seem to keen, you have to play it cool blah blah blah. Why can't everyone just be honest and straightforward about what they want?!
If I want to message someone why can't I do it without feeling like I'm breaking the rule of the man needs to chase? I'm not even sure what I am trying to say to be honest. I'm just fed up of all the dating mind games, and feeling like you have to play things perfectly..it is just tiring!

I wish everyone was blunt and straightforward.

OP posts:

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jeaux90 · 22/04/2017 09:14

I spent a few years doing OLD I made my own rules. Sod all the social norms or what the books tell you to do, just be yourself as you stand a better chance of meeting someone who gets you.

I met some guys who ended us being really good friends. One an FWB for a while which suited me.

OLD should be fun but it can be a bloody minefield! Good luck xx

user1492190246 · 22/04/2017 09:17

I know that feeling OP. I gave up trying. They say When you text too much you are chasing him and if you take time to reply you are not interested 🙄. We can't win can we . I hope you have a lovely weekend 😊

Biddylee · 22/04/2017 09:21

Do what you want. That is take charge. Be keen if you are keen. Say no if it doesn't feel right. Make your own rules.

Biddylee · 22/04/2017 09:23

btw -re:chasing I have chased before and actually i don't think it was worth my effort/heartbreak. Because they weren't that bothered and it meant I was holding on to someone who was kinda, maybe, sorta, 'this will do' into me rather than someone valuing me and making sure that I realised that.

AlcoholAndIrony · 22/04/2017 09:23

I have never followed any rules. If I want to text them etc as long as it feels mutual then I do.

It IS tricky though, when you're not sure of someone's motives.

Popcorn08 · 22/04/2017 09:37

Thanks everyone!

Yeah I hate that feeling of uncertainty of not knowing what the other person really thinks, but you don't want to come over crazy and bunny boiler by asking... if you know what I mean?!

I think I am probably a lot to blame. I am a big overthinker anyway, and I over think everything! Like 'oh he read my message but took hours to reply so he clearly isn't interested' It is so mentally draining!

OP posts:

Biddylee · 22/04/2017 09:54

I overthink too however I find modern communications and the idea of being constantly available for text, whatsapp, etc... increases anxiety. When I did OLD 9 years ago, it would just be messages via the dating site and then perhaps a call and a meet. But now someone will bombard you with messages.

Trills · 22/04/2017 10:09

9 years ago everyone still had phones that could text, though?

LesisMiserable · 22/04/2017 10:21

Best rule of dating. Texting has fuck all to do with it. Take it out as a component or barometer of anything to do with dating and your luck will miraculously change.

AlcoholAndIrony · 22/04/2017 10:23

I'm with Les

Popcorn08 · 22/04/2017 10:26

What do you mean Les? So a persons amount of/ lack of texting does not really indicate their true interest/ motives?
What do you hold as the barometer?

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 22/04/2017 10:33

Arranging to do stuff with you, being nice about you and to you - as it ever was, really. Not saying dont text, but relying on it as some sort of relationship goals litmus test is a bit daft.

DevelopingDetritus · 22/04/2017 10:34

I agree, it's draining and disheartening. I'm having no luck too. I can't be anything other than myself, it just doesn't feel right else, if I'm keen I tell them. Not much help, sorry. You aren't on your own though.

Trills · 22/04/2017 10:39

Arranging to do stuff with you, being nice about you and to you

If I'm dating you I'll be doing those things over text.

LesisMiserable · 22/04/2017 10:44

If it works for you, great. But it doesnt work the women who start panicking what he's up to and his intentions if their "morning gorgeous" text comes at 11.37am instead of 9am. Thats when texting/dating do not mix.

I'm not trying to be patronising. But texting angst can and does wreck so many many promising starts. Every single day you read it on here.

Trills · 22/04/2017 10:49

I'd be sending a vomit emoji if I got a "morning gorgeous" text every day, so it sounds like we are talking about different kinds of communication when we talk about "texting" :o

LesisMiserable · 22/04/2017 10:50

I think Trills this means you are doing it right you know what I'm saying though right,?

LesisMiserable · 22/04/2017 10:53

Text your man as you'd text your mates -
frequency/reasons and you'll not go far wrong because that's a normal way to communicate.

But yes, if you're keen say so. Always bearing in mind, those are your feelings not necessarily his.

Trills · 22/04/2017 10:57

Text your man as you'd text your mates

This is v good advice. It comes under the banner of "be yourself". I'd put it alongside "dress how you generally like to dress" and "talk about things that you find interesting".

If you act differently because you think it's more attractive, at what point do you stop that? Or do you keep it up forever?

TheNaze73 · 22/04/2017 11:23

Les is spot on. Brilliant post about the texting.
Texting should be for maybe arranging dates & that's about it. I've had people texting me after day two dates "how was your lunch?" "What are you doing?" & it's not nice. It's bloody annoying.
Don't overthink & don't sweat the small stuff.
I think if a text isn't going to add value to a situation or conversation, don't send it. Just enjoy dates at a natural pace & agree your time together

TheNaze73 · 22/04/2017 11:24

Enjoy not agree.

noego · 22/04/2017 12:21

There are no rules and regulations. Unless you're living in Victorian times. :)

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scoobydoo1971 · 22/04/2017 12:29

If you have to play a game of rules in dating...you are dating the wrong person. With the right person, you just don't have to think about the process of relationship building too much as it all happens naturally. These 'how to date' books are silly and playing on insecurity. The reality is that a long-term relationship is built upon two people who are easy company to each other, and can cope with the good and bad days.

Being a certain age and single was once regarded as a sign of social leprosy...'left on the shelf' and all that nonsense. The reality is half the population are single, and as the postings about relationships on this website testify to...being married, or in a relationship is not always a fun picnic in the park. I am not suggesting that you should resign yourself to singlehood forever, but perhaps just appreciate that dating mind games are for mugs willing to play that sport. For the rest of us, we meet partners in work, in sport, in education, in hobbies and out walking the dog as a natural process of connecting...OLD is a paranoid world of odd people, with a few normal folk thrown in for good measure.

user1490465531 · 22/04/2017 14:12

I find dating was easier before Internet.
Men didn't have sweet shop mentality.
now they don't want to commit they just want sex with random women which they can get on Internet dating.
I'm not being victorIan about dating it's just the truth.

user1490465531 · 22/04/2017 14:16

and yes I hate OLD it's cold heartless and can make you lose your self esteem and confidence very easy.
it seems to attract twats players and dirty old men who think they are entitled to someone years younger.

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