Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why does dating have to be so hard?

(68 Posts)
Popcorn08 Sat 22-Apr-17 09:10:44

Just feeling a bit pathetic, fed up, and sorry for myself at the moment!!
Haven't dated anybody for a year, haven't been in an actual relationship for 20 months...

Most the time I am not unhappy being single. I have lots of friends, good social life, go to the gym, have a job I enjoy... but I do want to date, I do want male company, physical affection, someone to go on dates with ect... I'm not even saying I want a serious LTR, but just to date would be nice!!

But people seem to make it so complicated! I'm fed up of all the 'rules', all the games people play because you can't text back too quick because you will seem to keen, you have to play it cool blah blah blah. Why can't everyone just be honest and straightforward about what they want?!
If I want to message someone why can't I do it without feeling like I'm breaking the rule of the man needs to chase? I'm not even sure what I am trying to say to be honest. I'm just fed up of all the dating mind games, and feeling like you have to play things perfectly..it is just tiring!

I wish everyone was blunt and straightforward.

jeaux90 Sat 22-Apr-17 09:14:47

I spent a few years doing OLD I made my own rules. Sod all the social norms or what the books tell you to do, just be yourself as you stand a better chance of meeting someone who gets you.

I met some guys who ended us being really good friends. One an FWB for a while which suited me.

OLD should be fun but it can be a bloody minefield! Good luck xx

user1492190246 Sat 22-Apr-17 09:17:27

I know that feeling OP. I gave up trying. They say When you text too much you are chasing him and if you take time to reply you are not interested 🙄. We can't win can we . I hope you have a lovely weekend 😊

Biddylee Sat 22-Apr-17 09:21:01

Do what you want. That is take charge. Be keen if you are keen. Say no if it doesn't feel right. Make your own rules.

Biddylee Sat 22-Apr-17 09:23:02

btw -re:chasing I have chased before and actually i don't think it was worth my effort/heartbreak. Because they weren't that bothered and it meant I was holding on to someone who was kinda, maybe, sorta, 'this will do' into me rather than someone valuing me and making sure that I realised that.

AlcoholAndIrony Sat 22-Apr-17 09:23:24

I have never followed any rules. If I want to text them etc as long as it feels mutual then I do.

It IS tricky though, when you're not sure of someone's motives.

Popcorn08 Sat 22-Apr-17 09:37:38

Thanks everyone!

Yeah I hate that feeling of uncertainty of not knowing what the other person really thinks, but you don't want to come over crazy and bunny boiler by asking... if you know what I mean?!

I think I am probably a lot to blame. I am a big overthinker anyway, and I over think everything! Like 'oh he read my message but took hours to reply so he clearly isn't interested' It is so mentally draining!

Biddylee Sat 22-Apr-17 09:54:12

I overthink too however I find modern communications and the idea of being constantly available for text, whatsapp, etc... increases anxiety. When I did OLD 9 years ago, it would just be messages via the dating site and then perhaps a call and a meet. But now someone will bombard you with messages.

Trills Sat 22-Apr-17 10:09:41

9 years ago everyone still had phones that could text, though?

LesisMiserable Sat 22-Apr-17 10:21:59

Best rule of dating. Texting has fuck all to do with it. Take it out as a component or barometer of anything to do with dating and your luck will miraculously change.

AlcoholAndIrony Sat 22-Apr-17 10:23:17

I'm with Les

Popcorn08 Sat 22-Apr-17 10:26:33

What do you mean Les? So a persons amount of/ lack of texting does not really indicate their true interest/ motives?
What do you hold as the barometer?

LesisMiserable Sat 22-Apr-17 10:33:35

Arranging to do stuff with you, being nice about you and to you - as it ever was, really. Not saying dont text, but relying on it as some sort of relationship goals litmus test is a bit daft.

DevelopingDetritus Sat 22-Apr-17 10:34:29

I agree, it's draining and disheartening. I'm having no luck too. I can't be anything other than myself, it just doesn't feel right else, if I'm keen I tell them. Not much help, sorry. You aren't on your own though.

Trills Sat 22-Apr-17 10:39:12

Arranging to do stuff with you, being nice about you and to you

If I'm dating you I'll be doing those things over text.

LesisMiserable Sat 22-Apr-17 10:44:57

If it works for you, great. But it doesnt work the women who start panicking what he's up to and his intentions if their "morning gorgeous" text comes at 11.37am instead of 9am. Thats when texting/dating do not mix.

I'm not trying to be patronising. But texting angst can and does wreck so many many promising starts. Every single day you read it on here.

Trills Sat 22-Apr-17 10:49:29

I'd be sending a vomit emoji if I got a "morning gorgeous" text every day, so it sounds like we are talking about different kinds of communication when we talk about "texting" grin

LesisMiserable Sat 22-Apr-17 10:50:58

I think Trills this means you are doing it right grin you know what I'm saying though right,?

LesisMiserable Sat 22-Apr-17 10:53:01

Text your man as you'd text your mates -
frequency/reasons and you'll not go far wrong because that's a normal way to communicate.

But yes, if you're keen say so. Always bearing in mind, those are your feelings not necessarily his.

Trills Sat 22-Apr-17 10:57:52

Text your man as you'd text your mates

This is v good advice. It comes under the banner of "be yourself". I'd put it alongside "dress how you generally like to dress" and "talk about things that you find interesting".

If you act differently because you think it's more attractive, at what point do you stop that? Or do you keep it up forever?

TheNaze73 Sat 22-Apr-17 11:23:38

Les is spot on. Brilliant post about the texting.
Texting should be for maybe arranging dates & that's about it. I've had people texting me after day two dates "how was your lunch?" "What are you doing?" & it's not nice. It's bloody annoying.
Don't overthink & don't sweat the small stuff.
I think if a text isn't going to add value to a situation or conversation, don't send it. Just enjoy dates at a natural pace & agree your time together

TheNaze73 Sat 22-Apr-17 11:24:20

Enjoy not agree.

noego Sat 22-Apr-17 12:21:04

There are no rules and regulations. Unless you're living in Victorian times. smile

scoobydoo1971 Sat 22-Apr-17 12:29:33

If you have to play a game of rules in dating...you are dating the wrong person. With the right person, you just don't have to think about the process of relationship building too much as it all happens naturally. These 'how to date' books are silly and playing on insecurity. The reality is that a long-term relationship is built upon two people who are easy company to each other, and can cope with the good and bad days.

Being a certain age and single was once regarded as a sign of social leprosy...'left on the shelf' and all that nonsense. The reality is half the population are single, and as the postings about relationships on this website testify to...being married, or in a relationship is not always a fun picnic in the park. I am not suggesting that you should resign yourself to singlehood forever, but perhaps just appreciate that dating mind games are for mugs willing to play that sport. For the rest of us, we meet partners in work, in sport, in education, in hobbies and out walking the dog as a natural process of connecting...OLD is a paranoid world of odd people, with a few normal folk thrown in for good measure.

user1490465531 Sat 22-Apr-17 14:12:39

I find dating was easier before Internet.
Men didn't have sweet shop mentality.
now they don't want to commit they just want sex with random women which they can get on Internet dating.
I'm not being victorIan about dating it's just the truth.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now