Abusive parent? I may have only just realised!

[midnightswirls]

I think I know the answer to my question and this is over a number of years since I was little. I think my dad is abusive to my mum. I never thought so because my mum can always give it back as good but recently living back with them temporarily I've noticed a few small things and now looking back to the past I feel it just weren't right. So starting when I was about 8ish I remember my dad flipped at my mum. We had been to a family party they were both drunk. She mentioned something about his dad which triggered him and he put his hands around my mums throat. Me and my sister were upstairs heard screams came down stairs and we saw it. Didn't know what to do so called a family friend who calmed it. Next time which I've only learnt tonight from my sister as I weren't there apparently. He flipped again when drunk and shouting in my mums face. He was grabbing her. My sister said my mum then ran upstairs and into the room she was in and was holding the door shut. He was going crazy saying let him in or something. She said she can't remember how it calmed down. Next time was a 18 months ago when my dad found out I was.pregnant ( I wouldn't class myself as young he just hated the dad ) he came back drunk and came into my room started pointing his finger at me and just staring. Then went Into his bedroom and a arguement started with my mum. He pushed her over and I was scared. I ended up calling the police and he got arrested but we obviously didn't press charges. So from these examples would you say this is abuse over the years? Or just losing your temperature badly. These are rare occasions but he does have a bad temper once he really snaps.

[NotOneThingButAnother]

Yes it is abuse and he's been arrested once for it already, no way is that just losing your temper.

It may be that you have been conditioned to think this is ok, but clearly you know it isn't. Do you live with them still?

[midnightswirls]

I live with them temporarily with my LB until my new place is ready. I fell out with my dad a few days ago as he was trying to play with my son when he was eating and I said no playing at teatime I don't want him choking and he got so angry having a go at me. Usually I'd back down but because it's about my so ln I didn't and my mum had to stop it. I've noticed recently my mum says "don't tell your dad this" or "your dad is gonna be in a mood about this" quite a lot as well.

[midnightswirls]

Anyone else think this is abuse?

[MsGameandWatch]

It's totally abuse and I imagine there's a lot more that went on that your mother managed to hide from you. How soon can you get yourself and your child out of there?

[highinthesky]

Your DM is trying to keep the peace, for her own sake as well as yours.

If you are going to continue to live under their roof, you need to make it clear that this cannot continue around DS. Your DD is not going to change the habits of a lifetime, but he may possibly contain it short-term if you insist.

It's a huge gamble, but if you have no other housing options atm you're stuck.

[midnightswirls]

I can probably leave in a week. I don't feel at danger or anything. I must look stupid asking if it is but I guess I've grown up with it so I wasn't sure. I also guess I questioned it because my mum can speak to my dad badly too and when she was younger she used to flip out at him quite a lot. Not so much now. So I used to think she was as bad as him but obviously she's never physically hurt him. I guess I now now know why I've been in abusive relationships!

[Footle]

Not sure what this "flipping out" thing means. But yes, this is an abusive set-up.

[midnightswirls]

Flipping out means losing your temper badly. Lots of shouting and bad arguements. I can't believe I used to think I wanted a relationship like my parents as they are still together and they do have a laugh. But the other side to it isn't right

[christmaswreaths]

My parents were like this and still are to a certain extent. I remember shouting at each other and throwing stuff at each other, hurling abuse and often being involved in stopping it. Sometimes that turned against us too. I personally think it's abusive as I grew up scared.

I have never been in an abusive relationship as if someone as much as raises their voice I freak out totally. I know my sibling feels the same. Everyone is different though but we both always chose incredibly laid back partners.

[thethoughtfox]

'obviously' you didn't press charges? Maybe you should next time ( and there will be a next time) and that might put an end to it.

[Lissette]

My parents are like this. In our family though both are abusive: my mother controls the money and won't let him do things and he gets grumpy and bossy with everyone around him. If you challenge either, they back each other up.

It's got to the stage that I'm no contact. Having a child was the pivotal moment - they would be abusive to me in front of my son and undermine me as a parent.

It is abusive, no question OP and distance yourself from it.

[Lissette]

I ended up as a scapegoat for all their ills. Luckily my dh is lovely so I didn't end up with an abusive partner. Don't normalise their behaviour.

[midnightswirls]

lissette my mum controls the finances too and when she was younger I think she was quite abusive to him. But my mum was and is still abusive to me and my sister. I've only come to realise really when I had a child too. They also back each other up if me or my sister challenge either one of them. I'd like to distance myself but I have hardly any friends and low confidence so sometimes talking to my mum will be the only person I speak to in a day sometimes. It's very hard

[Lissette]

Yes, the tables have turned in my parents' relationship - my mum was more abusive at one stage but now he has the upper hand. They were authoritarian parents but Mum liked my sister not me. They formed a team against my Dad. I was told that I'm too nice and so they don't like me. Aggression is valued in my family but not by me.

My advice is to build up your self confidence and develop a support network with your sister and other friends. Go to baby classes, get out and meet people. Build your own life. Abusive people control others and try to keep them weak so they don't stand up for themselves. You can and will stand up to them. Watch their patterns of behaviour and make sure you don't get caught up with their web. You can build a lovely life for you and your son in your new home. Having a kid puts a lot of things in perspective. There is no way I'd treat my son the way parents treated me. Ask your GP for counselling to let you talk out things with a neutral professional.

[Lissette]

I really feel for you midnight. I've been through this too but i was much older when the penny dropped!

[midnightswirls]

Thank you so much lissette I've had a really bad day today and what you've said has made me feel determined to build a nice life for me and my son. The tables have also turned with my parents as my mum relys on my dad so much as she hasn't worked in so long and he brings the money in. Oh that's awful! I've also been told I'm too nice. Say I should stick up for myself but I've said numerous times I'm not like them. I'm already having counselling and have been on and off for a few years now. I think since getting older it's begun to affect me. Thank you for your advice

[MongerTruffle]

but we obviously didn't press charges

Why is it obvious?

[midnightswirls]

monger looking back I guess it's not obvious. We just didn't want to press charges. He didn't hit her or anything it was a push so we didn't pursue it.