Feeling down about current 'relationship' and relationship history - how to turn things around?

[DressageDiva88]

I have been miserable this week about things and don't want this to be too long, but I don't want to drip-feed either. I am just aware that things need to change otherwise I will never have a meaningful relationship or the family that I want. I am 29. I have a history of depression/anxiety and have been taking a moderate dose of Sertraline for the last 10 years.

I have had boyfriends and relationships, but nothing really serious with the longest lasting around 9 months. However I have had FWB style 'relationships' that have lasted 5 years, with men who I am still in touch with occasionally, but just texting which is all it should be and all I want it to be (he is getting married later this year and I am really pleased for him). I just wanted to mention the FWBs so that I wouldn't come across as someone who really couldn't maintain friendships or relationships.

But I just can't stop myself from going for the wrong guy, then the same old thing happens when they ghost me or things go wrong. The last relationship I was in was a very intense four months and he became abusive (emotionally and lightly physically), then I found out he was cheating on me or at least intending to, so of course ended it, and we have been NC since September. I didn't date anyone else until March, I just wasn't interested.

Conversely, I have lost several really lovely guys because they have been 'too nice' and I have ghosted them when I have got bored and the thrill of the chase is over. I have later regretted it and on the whole I am ashamed of my actions.

I am currently seeing a really lovely guy, taking it slowly and really enjoying getting to know him. For various reasons we haven't DTD yet (4 dates in) and I like that. At the beginning I thought he was too keen and it was putting me off (plus I was slightly involved with someone else, no longer though), so I told him politely to slow down, but now he seems a little colder and I feel awful. I've grown to really like him but I don't want it to be too late. I'm hoping to see him again soon, but arranging things can be difficult as he travels a lot for work and we both have busy lives.

I know I sound like a pathetic teenager, but I don't want to keep messing things up for myself. I am too old to enjoy the thrill of the chase and get bored. To put it really bluntly, I wish I was less sexually experienced and more emotionally experienced. I am attractive (not that this means much) and have plenty of friends, but can be really insecure sometimes and I am worried my time is running out, and so my self-sabotaging behaviour needs to stop.

I don't know what I want to get out of posting and you will see that I haven't posted much; I am more of a lurker. But my friends/DM are sick of hearing about it. And writing it all down has been cathartic and so helpful in itself.

Thank you for reading

[Gertrudeisgerman]

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone OP.

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you but older (37) and I have 3dc's.

I've just finished another relationship (it had lots of problems) and I'm feeling pretty defunct and a massive failure myself. Did you have anything traumatic happen as a child?

Mine stems from that but I never seem to learn!

[DressageDiva88]

Hi Gertrude, thank you for the reply and I'm sorry your last relationship didn't work out. I really hope you start to feel better soon. It's horrid isn't it

I don't think my childhood was especially traumatic, parents have been together happily for just over 40 years and I never wanted for anything. But I was a very anxious child through no fault of anyone or anything else, it was just how I was and still am. There have been times in my life when my parents have been disappointed in me (like when I quit my PhD following a breakdown), but I have never been out of work and have never given them much cause for concern. I have a good relationship with my family and they just want me to be happy.

At the beginning with this guy (met online and were chatting for a couple of months before we met) he was super keen, wanting to do loads with me, meet my horses etc. but now he isn't. And now I really want to spend more time with him, and feel like I didn't make enough of an effort in the beginning because I took him for granted. And I feel awful about that, but in the beginning I wasn't really feeling it but I knew he was a lovely guy so wanted to see if my feelings grew, which they have. I just hope it is salvageable and that he still likes me.

Just feeling very down and fed up at the moment. Lacking in concentration, motivation and confidence.

[pallasathena]

Hmmmm, you sound as if you're one of those who goes for the 'bad guys', or maybe, only gets switched on when a bloke presents a 'challenge'.
You are in seriously dodgy territory if that's the case and you need to quickly work out why exactly, you can't commit to the very many thoroughly decent guys actually out there.
You do know I hope, that women who go after the 'bad boys', always, but always end up in desperately dire straits.
If you want stability, a family, a decent life then you need to walk away from the undesirables, set up some personal boundaries and begin to value yourself as someone who is worth far, far more.
So many women suffer from low self esteem and it always but always leads to poor decision making and a life spent regretting the decisions made.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I was thinking the same. You are suddenly interested in this guy as he is pulling away. Try and build a stronger foundation into your life. There is no hurry yet to find a partner. Maybe decide to take a complete break for 6 months and work on other things in your life.
I may have misunderstood this but did you say you were fwb with a guy who is getting married. If so you need to think more of yourself and hold yourself in higher regard. Then others will too.