Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
A bit of an AIBU(22 Posts)
So long story, and thank you to those who bear with me and offer opinions
I feel like my 30 year relationship is at breakdown point, a bit about us
Me...mum to 2 DD, 19 & 16. I work as a nanny to 7m twins, 2 days 8.30-5.00, 3 days 8.30-7.00
DH....HGV driver works 5am-1pm 5 days and every other Saturday 1-8am
DD 19 works at local cinema her hours change but for a while has been doing 7pm-4am and works 5 days, but will do 6 if needed, she also goes in voluntarily to learn office side of job as there's a possibility of her becoming a team leader
DD 16 at IV form 5 days and works weekends at local theme park
My biggest issue with DH is his drinking, he's promised several times not to drink during the week but has so far only managed to cut down, at his worst he was averaging 1/2 litre bottle of whiskey a day, every day.
DH biggest issue seems to be constant with DD 19, he doesn't like her sleeping all day, despite the hours she works. He gets stressed over the state of her room, unmade bed, clothes not put away as soon as they are washed, or bed made and clothes hidden underneath, trainers often left at the foot of her bed as she doesn't have enough storage space to put everything out of sight, lots of make up which she puts in boxes and tucks behind floor standing mirror. The odd glass or mug left in her room. Something she may have tried throwing into bin but missed and not picked it up. Some of these things are annoying and I understand that but it's the way he reacts. He'll tell me it's not tidy enough, I tell him I'll speak to her, but he has this routine he goes into. Shouts the odds about taking everything out of her, throwing her clothes away and leaving her with just a mattress on the floor. He'll then "leave his shit everywhere for some other mug to clean up" that would be me and involves him leaving cups and mugs wherever he's been drinking them, leaving dinner plates in the table in the dining room or living room, making as much mess as possible while cooking then leaving it all over the kitchen.
I used to just come in and tidy up to keep the peace but it happens so often now that I leave it. Which annoys him even more and he becomes petty and spiteful and loud. He's taken to banging and crashing around to get my attention which on 3 occasions has resulted in things getting broken
Easter weekend was particularly bad, it was then followed by outrageous behaviour to both DDs on Tuesday. He's in some sort of denial as to the way he behaves but I ended up telling him that I wanted to sell the house and separate. He's avoided me since.
I'm sure he'll want to "makeup" and go back to normal in the next couple of days but I know it'll last 2 weeks tops before we're back to this point again. And I don't think I can do it anymore.
DD 16 also has a room that could be tidier and NEVER makes her bed, but that seems to be ok?
What was the "outrageous behaviour" towards his daughters?
Your husband is a functioning alcoholic who is letting out his anger on your DD. I think it's pre-emptive rage. He has someone to have a go at and it keeps the focus away from his own behaviour. He just needs someone to hate on. Doesn't sound like much of a life for you or the DD he is bullying.
I'd be worried about his drinking and his job. Half a bottle of whiskey and he drives professionally? He needs to go to his GP.
DD 16 text to let him know she was staying out for a bit after college, his responses included "I don't care" "FMFL" "I'm leaving anyway" "enjoy living in a hostel" "see you every other weekend"
DD 19 not sure how it all started but he went into her room at 4pm and she was awake but still in bed. Blamed her for the demise in our relationship. She mentioned his drinking, also blamed her for that. He shouted in her face, she tried to hide in bathroom but didn't lock it in time. I think she lashed lashed out and called him a prick, he tries to hold her down or back and caught her face ended up with him telling her to get her keys and go out. I wasn't there but both saying they were being calm and the other lashed out
He is not just crossing lines here here is obliterating them. I think you need to get him away from all of you
He is a loose canon. I agree with pudding. He drives for a living and is drinking 16 units every day (that you know about) - he's not fit to drive. Your update confirms my earlier comments. You need to think about how to protect your DDs and yourself from this belligerent fool.
No YANBU. He is a violent drunk. What are you going to do about it?
Your poor girls, they just be terrified.
His drinking is a big issue for everyone's safety.I'm surprised he hasn't list his licence.
I think you need to get him to leave as his behaviour isn't to be tolerated.Does he have family he can go to?
The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has been in this for you. Your part in this overall dynamic also has to be looked at.
Have you actually taken steps yourself to sell the house and separate?. Or were those just mere words.
He is a lorry driver as well; his job could well be in jeopardy if it is not already.
Have you simply been playing out the usual roles here i.e. provoker and enabler in this marriage?. His primary relationship is after all with drink, its not with you or your DDs. I sincerely hope that in the longer term your DDs do not choose alcoholics as partners but one of them could well go on to do so now. What example have you shown these young people?. They also need outside support too.
You have a choice re this man, they do not. You cannot protect them fully from his alcoholism.
I have spoken to him many times about his drinking especially with work. 1/2 bottle is actually 20 units but he doesn't see the problem at all even though his health is already suffering. I also pointed out the cost, we have separate bank accounts. He pays the mortgage and I pay the bills, he always complains about having no money and how can I afford to think about weekends away etc. So punted out his whiskey alone is about £200 pm with lager wine and cigarettes on top even more
In the past I've tried to keep things calm, get back on track but recently have grown a backbone, argued back, lost my temper, stood between him and DD, and that winds him up even more. I have good friends who listen and told them so many times I want out, this is the first home I've managed to get it out while talking to him, he's pretty much avoided me for the last 3 days since we had words
Dd16 isn't as aware of the severity of the problems but knows he drinks and hates it aswell
I've worked out we could be ok without him, sell the house, split what's left, we can then rent or possibly do a shared ownership type thing. He won't leave the house in the meantime though and I don't have anyone with enough space for me and the girls
You really need to find a way out if this immediately. If you cannot put yourself and the prospect of the rest of your life with him first, think of your DD's. You need to put them first and I'm sure they will completely understand. Show them a mother that will not stand for this type of behaviour in a relationship before they think this is what a marriage is.
I know. And that's what I want but bloody hell its harder to actually do than you'd think. Need to dig deep for some courage
I have spoken to him many times about his drinking especially with work. 1/2 bottle is actually 20 units but he doesn't see the problem at all even though his health is already suffering. I also pointed out the cost, we have separate bank accounts. He pays the mortgage and I pay the bills, he always complains about having no money and how As you have been unable to reply to what exactly you get out of this relationship I can only assume it is not much. So what does that tell you?.
Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective as pissing in the ocean. It does not work and what you have tried to date has not worked either. Like many alcoholics he is in denial of his alcohol problem and likely also badly underestimates just how much he is drinking.
Both your girls, particularly your eldest, know far more than you care to realise about their dad's drink problem. They see your to date ineffective and weak responses to it and learn from you as well. Is this the life you want for them going forward as well, for them to choose an alcoholic because you have done so to date?.
You have not mentioned seeking legal advice so I guess you have not done so to date. I would seek legal advice asap with regards to the housing and finances along with divorcing this individual. He leaves the house to drive his lorry during the week (if he still has a job that is) so you can take action and no man is above the law either.
Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start once you are fully away from him.
You really do get nothing out of this relationship now do you.
It is not easy to leave but what you are describing is chaos along with verbal and domestic violence within your home. Do you not think that the life you and in turn your girls are seeing now is harder?. Is this what you would want for them going forward as well in their own relationships?. Surely not.
Surely you and your girls deserve a life free from his alcoholism and abuses of you.
Surely staying is harder than leaving. Think of your daughters. Jesus.
I know how hard it is OP. It's like standing on the top of a cliff and preparing to jump. It's so bloody difficult but the freedom you will soon feel when the dust settles will be amazing, I promise you that.
Thanks for the encouraging advice to take the leap. Feels like a massive cliff, we're both 45 and been together since we were 17!
If I had somewhere I could just get up and go to with both the girls I would in a heartbeat.
Maybe legal advice is the way to go, could he be made to leave while things are sorted, he won't go if his own accord?
It's very hard to find your courage. But this is no life for you and your girls.
I only knew how to adult with my ex DH there and the prospect of doing it on my own was terrifying. We had been together since I was 19 and separated at 34. I feel like in the two years I have developed my own character and I quite like it! It made me realise that my marriage was stifling me more than I was aware.
Make a free 30 min appointment with a solicitor because they are best placed to give you advice. My ex DH stayed in our home for four months which was really testing but it just made me appreciate it even more when he left.
Find that strength...you can do it and at 45 you are still plenty young enough to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and make a new life for yourself and your DD's.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.