Name changed but am a regular! This is gojng to be long!!
This is going to sound ridiculous as it happened so long ago but some recent threads have brought back memories and I've realised that I'm not over the emotional affair that DH had almost five years ago.
I had been growing suspicious of his relationship with a colleague and a couple of times told him I was uncomfortable only to be told that there was nothing going on and that I was reading too much into it.
Of course, I found messages on his Facebook account to her going back about a year and it showed that although nothing had happened, they were having an emotional affair. Something which I would have previously laughed at and said it wasn't a real or serious thing but seeing the way they spoke to each other really hurt. For example she was dating someone and broke up with him and complained to him how there are no good men about and the ones that are are either gay or taken. He said something about how good he was and she said he was but unfortunately in one of those categories. He then told her that when he isn't she'll be the first to know. Other things were said about how she makes his day, how people in work suspected something was happening and they both thought it was hilarious and tried to think of ways to make people even more suspicious such as going in to a store cupboard together. Really stupid stuff.
Anyway I found out, confronted him. Things got messy but we didn't break up. Things then got worse over the next few months and we had a few other issues around how he was behaving with other friends and acting like he was single and how he was still working with her. He did eventually find another job but it was on his own terms rather than from me begging him to leave where he was. We went through phases of him really trying g and then suddenly slipping and not making the effort again. I know he was sorry but not sure if it was more of a sorry he got caught thing.
Had I have had Mumsnet I would have realised that I didn't deserve this and wouldn't have stuck around but I did. I think I was scared of being single.
Then I found out I was pregnant and he changed straight away. He was the same person I fell in love with and made effort to put things right. Then I unfortunately miscarried and we had to deal with that which again he was brilliant with. After the miscarriage we spoke about our relationship and I said that if he wanted out we should end it then when we're both in an ok place with each other but he told me how much he loved me and a few weeks later proposed. We got married and now have DS who is two.
I have been thinking about it lately and realised that he sort of got away with it. I'm not sure what "punishment" should have been appropriate but he has me and DS and a lovely home and a happy life with his friends. I sometimes feel insecure and worry that it might happen again only this time get physical. He does everything he can to make me feel loved and appreciated and we are a great team. I know how much he loves me and DS and sometimes I need to talk about how I feel and he will listen and try to help or reassure me. He tells me I am beautiful, what a good mum I am, does everything he can to show me how much he cares about me and DS. I'm not suspicious and have no reason to be right now but I sometimes get niggles in my head when he's on his phone even though I have no reason to think he's talking to anyone apart from his friends.
Anyway, I was searching for something before and came across the messages. I'd saved them on my laptop as proof. I read some of them and felt sick. I'd forgotten how bad they were. He came and seen me upset and asked what was up so o told him. He told me he wishes it hadn't happened and that he was stupid and selfish and I deserved so much better. I asked him to look at the messages and he read a few before saying he didn't want to read any more. I got really angry and shouted at him about how he has no right to be upset by it.
I asked him to leave me alone because I'm struggling to understand why I'm so upset right now. He's taken DS to the park and I just feel so angry at him.
I know it was so long ago and he is sorry and he wouldn't do this again. I know it was stupid of him and that he wouldn't risk losing me or DS so why am I so upset?? I feel bad for bringing it up. I'm not going to break up with him over this because I love him i was so happy to marry him and I love our family. I just feel so confused. Is this normal? Does anyone have any advice or experience of a similar situation?
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Relationships
Can't move past EA
17 replies
UserShmuser · 21/04/2017 16:37
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