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how would you feel knowing your partner will never be your spouse?

(166 Posts)
AprilSkies44 Fri 21-Apr-17 15:54:55

its not a deal breaker for me but just a little sad really. dp has always said he will never get married again but then waivered when ive questioned him on it and then said he didnt know and well just have to see etc.

anyway, we talked last night and he says he is sure that he will never get married again. he says marriage is for the religious and he isnt. he was married, went through a divorce, not particularly acrimonious or anything but he did lose most of the equity because he has a pension, think he felt a little bitter about it because his ex wife didnt and never had contributed to the mortgage or bills - they had no children btw. both worked full time.

anyway, he has said he will never marry again. im not sure how i feel about that. on the one hand i see it as a commitment but then again - its not really, lots of marriages end and im not sure what a bit of paper means to most people.

but i think if we had kids i would want to be married. he says it makes no difference.
we lost a baby last year and we're still trying (though its now unlikely it will happen)

he has made a will to provide for me if the worst happened which i have to say is more than i have done yet, and i havent even bothered getting a divorce because there is always something more pressing to spend the money on. (we are doing up a house) dh and i are separated and still get on. we have 2 adult children. dp says it really doesnt bother him that i remain married because it makes no difference to us as a couple.

ive told him if we were to have a child then it would be important to me to get married. he still said no and that if its that important to me we should stop ttc.
i have said in that case, should we have a child i would divorce, revert to my maiden name and the child would have my name, as i wouldnt want a children to have a different name to me.

i dont know why but it feels like a slight. im ok to live with and (potentially) have children with but not to marry. i hoped we would some day.

am i just being a bit silly? its not a deal breaker for me but my hopes are a bit dashed.

happypoobum Fri 21-Apr-17 16:08:59

I would not consider having a child with a man I am not married to.

These boards are littered with stories from women who have done exactly that and find themselves in dire straits.

He doesn't sound great to be honest - all this guff - his ex wife did't and never had contributed to the mortgage or bills doesn't sound terribly credible to me.

AprilSkies44 Fri 21-Apr-17 16:13:42

thanks happy
its perfectly true that his ex didnt contribute, but they lived like that for 20 years and he never broached it. she paid for their holidays but nothing else on a day to day basis. that said if he wasnt happy he should have raised it.

AprilSkies44 Fri 21-Apr-17 16:16:16

btw, i do contribute. i share everything equally pro rata on our respective wages, but the house is only in his name. we cant get a mortgage together because after i left my marriage i ended up with an IVA for the debt i was left in. i will never be able to get a mortgage again. ive ruined my credit rating.

FrameyMcFrame Fri 21-Apr-17 16:22:37

It's not a problem. I have a family with my DP and I have no plans to marry him. We have a mortgage together.
I don't want to be married and I see no problems with it. I have my own job and finances and the mortgage is jointly shared.

ElinoristhenewEnid Fri 21-Apr-17 16:44:29

op 2 things would you dh you are separated from be entitled to your assets if you die without making a will? That leaves your current dp in a bad situation

you are not in a position to marry dp anyway even if you do fall pregnant.

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone Fri 21-Apr-17 16:49:04

I'm the one who won't consider marriage in our house. Dp asked me once early on and I said no and told him why, 15 years and two kids later I haven't changed my stance.

We rent and have very little money but we do have wills in case anything happens to one of us.

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone Fri 21-Apr-17 16:51:33

Sorry i cut off my end bit

We are both happy with our status quo. If your not then it might be time to reassess how things stand

malibuthru Fri 21-Apr-17 16:51:56

Ignoring the actually topic of this thread.. I was made bankrupt in the past and now have a mortgage. Just because you have an IVA now, doesn't mean you'll never be able to get one.

0live Fri 21-Apr-17 17:02:44

So you are paying towards his house that you have no right to live in ?

And TTC a baby that will legally be your husbands and not your partners ?

And you want to marry one man ( who doesn't want to) while you are still married to another ?

And you are planning to take maternity leave ( I assume ) and affect your career and pension while the baby's father has no financial responsibility to you or baby ?

Olivialoves Fri 21-Apr-17 17:05:10

Why would the baby legally be her husbands?!

Weasel113 Fri 21-Apr-17 17:08:12

Being a man who was asset stripped at the time my divorce I fully understand his take on things. My ex hardly contributed anything either but had a claim over half my pension etc 65% of equity of my house.

I remarried happily. I have friends, who having been divorced will not marry again under any circumstances.....it doesn't make them bad people. Their view is that having been stripped first time why on earth would they volunteer to have the possibility of this happening to them again. This is despite in some cases starting new families.

chickenjalfrezi Fri 21-Apr-17 17:13:40

Olivialoves if you are married when you give birth then your husband automatically has parental rights even if he's not the father. In theory, OP's XH can attend a registry office and register the baby with himself as the father without her present if he has the marriage certificate.

motherinferior Fri 21-Apr-17 17:35:07

Mr Inferior seems happy enough with it.

Bluebell28 Fri 21-Apr-17 17:48:37

I can see why he doesn't want to get married again, especially if he was hit financially from his divorce. It's a personal choice whether to get married before having a child, it has legal implications if the relationship breaks down.

AprilSkies44 Fri 21-Apr-17 18:00:57

If I were to get pg I would , as stated in op, get divorced and revert to my maiden name which is the name my baby would have. There would be no question of ex dh wantng parental responsibility.

I won't be able to get a mortgage again because by the time the IVA is finished i will be too old I think.

Hermonie2016 Fri 21-Apr-17 18:01:50

I would not try for a baby as you will be vulnerable.Just imagine if you couldn't work for health reasons.

Weasel, I'm assuming you had no children as you imply the house was yours not joint.I put more money into the house than my stbxh but as we have children it's their needs that dominate not ours.I will lose money but that's the risk of having a family.

RainbowsAndUnicorn Fri 21-Apr-17 18:24:40

Trying to conceive whist married to someone else legally is madness.

Upto you if you have a child after without being married, not something i would do and especially as there is no home security as he can kick you out whenever the urge takes.

rosy71 Fri 21-Apr-17 18:44:34

dp & I have been together over 20 years & are not married. We have 2 children. If you're not going to marry, I think you need to keep everything very equal ie both work, both own the house etc. You need to know you'll be OK whatever happens.

Your situation is complicated because you're married to someone else. I'd definitely be getting divorced before anything else if I were you.

Mysterycat23 Fri 21-Apr-17 18:48:30

Get a divorce.

Then come back and ask again.

hmm

Itshello Fri 21-Apr-17 19:17:37

Agree with olive's post.

WinnieTheW0rm Fri 21-Apr-17 19:24:23

I don't think it's remotely surprising that your DP won't contemplate marriage whilst you remain married to someone else.

If you no longer want to be married to your ex, then get the divorce underway. There's really no reason not to.

AprilSkies44 Fri 21-Apr-17 19:26:03

We've just not divorced because it's not been an issue to any one, not dh, not dp and not really me. I've left dh the house we owned. I'll keep my pension. We are completely amicable. We'll divorce, it's just not been a priority for any of us as it costs. We are all completely on same page on that score.

AprilSkies44 Fri 21-Apr-17 19:30:38

Dp has said it makes no difference to us. He really isn't bothered. In fact he says if I can only leave certain benefits to a spouse he says I may as well stay married to dh and let vim get them rather than lose them. ( certain pensionable rights can only go to a spouse in my job)

GlacindaTheTroll Fri 21-Apr-17 19:34:44

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

No way he can marry someone who is married....

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