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DH has left

(8 Posts)
PilchardsonToast Fri 21-Apr-17 14:45:14

On Saturday we returned from a great holiday but 3 hours after we got back my husband told me we didn't make each other happy and he wasn't sure we should stay together. We talked briefly during the afternoon, he asssured me there was no one else and at about tea time decided he was going to his mums. I was completed devastated we've been together 13 years and I would have bet my life in the security of our relationship

. The next day he came round and put the kids to bed and we talked afterwards.i told him I wanted to talk about the issues to help put things right in our marriage at that point he told me he had met someone else. He'd met her at the swimming (he swims before work sometimes) he promises they aren't actually in a relationship but he's had feelings for her.

The following day he came round again and at this point when pressed he told me who she was, her son has swimming lessons at the same time as my kids. She's played with my children. I've never met her though.

He has said he probably isn't going to come home and does want to start seeing more of her. I just can't stop crying, my kids are so upset and unsettled, he can't tell them because he's too upset so I'm here dealing with my emotions while trying to support the kids.

I really don't know what to do. If he was telling the truth about the relationship I would be open to discussing a possible reconciliation but at the moment that's not really on the cards.

I'd really appreciate some advise on how what I should do

anahata Fri 21-Apr-17 15:09:21


You might get more response if you ask MN to move this across to either relationships or chat.

I'm so sorry for what's just been dumped on you. I've been through a similar situation with STBXH, but it's the one time I'm eternally pleased that I don't and can't have kids.

Do you have any real life support? Friends, family, a trusted colleague?

The really honest answer here is that there is no right or wrong answer. It's doing whatever you and your kids need to do to get to the end of each day.

If you think that this will end in divorce, the most useful thing my Solicitor told me is that the person that files for divorce is tge person that has the power all the way through. I filed for his unreasonable behaviour- this is the quickest option as adultery involves getting the third party to admit guilt and sign papers etc. If I had let my ex file, he could've done the first part then not bothered to do anything else for ages, meanwhile I can't move on, sell the house etc. I think also psychologically it's helpful to take some control.

How do you feel in your mind now about possible outcome? If he came back and said it was a mistake, could you accept that?

I know you don't want any of this, but you really do need to dig deep now and figure out what you want out of the whole situation. Divorce but stay in the house? Divorce and move? Trial separation? Patch things up?

If you decide to try again, it's not easy getting over the trust issue. I've known someone manage it, but I couldn't personally.

More than anything, offering a hand to hold and to listen. Message me privately if you prefer.

Look after yourself xx

PilchardsonToast Fri 21-Apr-17 15:23:00

So sorry everyone for adding this in the wrong place I'll ask to get it moved straight away

PilchardsonToast Fri 21-Apr-17 19:12:27

Thanks for your reply anahata, I appreciate your response. I'm really lucky that I've got great friends I've known for a long time who are happy to support me through this, my house is full of flowers, I'm having lots of visitors but also I've never felt more lonely In my whole life.

I'll definitely think through the things you said though. Thank you

Holland00 Fri 21-Apr-17 21:40:08

Really sorry to read this. Stay strong, utilise every bit of support you have around you.
You WILL get through this x

anahata Sat 22-Apr-17 03:45:32

Just pm me if you need a chat or have any questions, whatever the time xx

IsNotGold Sat 22-Apr-17 04:14:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PilchardsonToast Sat 22-Apr-17 06:46:41

Thanks for the advice about 180 relationships I've just had a look and I'm absolutely going to do it! I'll see him later today as I'm dropping the kids round at his mums so we'll see how I get on.

Just another point about what a shit he is. I was made redundant two weeks ago with very little notice from a job I'd been in nearly 9 years which shook me up. so he actually left me on my own and unable to support the kids. I've actually just been offered though a good job with a decent salary in the past couple of days. When I applied for it we talked about how we'd manage the extra travel I'd need to do and he said don't worry he'll do XYZ but now it's all me. He's such a shit.

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