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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Shall I call the shots first?

58 replies

dollymix101 · 21/04/2017 11:14

Please read and help me I'm feeling so low and need advice and a general hand hold through this shitty time

Me and DH are struggling at the moment. About a month now and every emotion going I'm feeling so empty and numb. I'm crazy for him and could never ever ever imagining not loving him but he's recently said that he's confused about how he feels and what he wants in the future. That his life isn't how he imagined it would be. He's got the wife and kids that he wanted the family life ......Maybe having a midlife crisis I don't know but one thing he did say was that he feels he's dragged me down to be a person I wasn't when we met and that he wishes I would meet someone who could make me happy and that I would fall in love with. So then he could see me happy
Now to me that sounds like he wants me to be the bad guy if we were to split up? That I'd be the reason and he would be the victim surely?
I've told him that I will make things easier for him and that If he wants to call it a day then I will ask for a divorce and I won't make it bitter but I can't stand knowing that this one person I care so much for doesn't feel the same towards me.
I've been a mess but my friends have picked me up and I'm feeling strong at the minute. Can't say that I will feel strong when d-day comes and he "confirms" that it's over but for now he just keeps saying that I'm getting ahead of myself and that he wants us to work . Arrrrrrrgh I'm getting so many mixed signals and to be honest I feel like I'm being dangled waiting around for him to make up his mind. I feel like I'm worthless and that if he truly loved me he wouldn't have to wait around to see what he wants.

OP posts:

Report

dollymix101 · 21/04/2017 11:15

Sorry posted too soon. Basically I don't know if I should just say it's over and have some respect for myself to stop this torture. At the same time though if he is having a midlife crisis or he's depressed then surely that wouldn't help ?

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 21/04/2017 11:16

Beware the ow lurking in the wings. . .

HecateAntaia · 21/04/2017 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuiteLikely5 · 21/04/2017 11:26

Why not ask him to consider moving out for a week so he can decide what he really wants? Then at least in a week you will know.

Also point out you will need maintenance and that you expect him to take the children every weekend as you will be looking for work so he will be required to look after them.

QuiteLikely5 · 21/04/2017 11:26

(If he decides to go)

QuiteLikely5 · 21/04/2017 11:27

Some men just yearn for an easy life - they can't handle the responsibility

Also consider that there is someone else. Do you have access to his phone etc?

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 11:28

OW

SleepFreeZone · 21/04/2017 11:31

Normal when one partner starts saying they wish the other person could find someone else it'd because emotionally they have checked out. It's not a normal way to think when you are in s relationship. If I imagine DP with anyone else I want to scratch his eyes out, and the imaginary woman's too.

So I would suggest you dig s bit and see if you can find an OW somewhere in the shadows.

TheNaze73 · 21/04/2017 11:34

Sorry to say it but, I think you've been replaced already

Obsidian77 · 21/04/2017 11:39

Agree, OW.
He has checked out already. Tell him to stop bullshitting you and be clear about what's going on.

dollymix101 · 21/04/2017 11:54

Right .... ok !
I will put a plan in place and what to say becuase I'm literally shit with words and arguing and explaining myself and I'm always thinking up things later on I wish I would have said..... I will tell him that I'm sorry if your depressed or losing your shit or mid life crisis or whatever it is your fucking going through but please just take a moment to realise you have told me you would be happy if I found someone else .... you aren't sure you love me.... you aren't sure what you want in the future .... and that makes me feel kind of shit to be honest (and I'm going to steal your post sleepfreezone) and I know that if the tables were turned I certainly wouldn't want to know you was with another woman without wanting to scratch out both your fucking eyes and punch you straight in the face with a brick! (Do I add that on or not sleepfree?)
THEN I say that this isn't what I imagined either and personally I think I'm sick of this bullshit and you need to let me know if it's over because I need to start looking for a house for me and the kids and a job and a most importantly a man who genuinely loves me .... or a cat because you hate cats and I will finally be able to get one that cuddles me ....

Thankyou for your replies but I still feel I'm having a nervous breakdown. I thought of another woman too .... what if this is just all my fault and I've just been a shit wife

OP posts:

noego · 21/04/2017 12:25

Just sometimes a person questions their values, moral, concepts, beliefs, life in general. it is called a MLC. What am I doing with my life? How is it affecting my partner, DC's etc?
It is a confusing time. It does not always mean a OW/OM. The answer does not come by getting a sports car, younger model partner, a makeover, new wardrobe, new handbag etc.
The answer is found within. I have had this convo with enough of my friends to know this. Provided they do not do something stupid, they normally come out through it.
Everything has a beginning and an ending. Even a MLC.

SparklyMagpie · 21/04/2017 12:34

I'd be very surprised if there wasn't another woman OP

So sorry you have to go through this

dollymix101 · 21/04/2017 12:37

Thankyou noego I do hope that there is no one else but if there is I don't think he can avoid coming out the bad guy if I ask for a divorce . I think I'd prefer it myself to be honest .... I'm feeling like this today and will most likely feel different again tommorrow ... or in an hour

OP posts:

Poudrenez · 21/04/2017 13:11

You're not a shit wife! Please remember that. It sounds like he's headfucking you really badly. It's difficult being with someone who accepts no responsibility for themselves, one can easily start feeling responsible for everything.

Hermonie2016 · 21/04/2017 13:28

That statement seems like projection..reverse it to change it to him

"he wishes he would meet someone who could make him happy and that he would fall in love with."

How old is he? Likely MLC, but that doesn't mean you come out of it together.I'm sorry as it's a horrible thing to go through for you.

dollymix101 · 21/04/2017 13:44

Don't get me wrong I can think of a million things that I could've been doing wrong and could have been better with but then I can think the same for him. He says it's not just me that he feels shit with its a lot of things and he just generally feels worthless and like he doesnt seem to be making as much progress in life as his friends who seem to have their shit together more with money and family. I've told him not everything is rosy as it seems for all family's and yes we aren't great with money at the moment but we aren't on the breadline either! We are comfortable if we just don't spend silly. I just thought we were happy and I've said that I'm not a mindreader if something bothers him so much he should talk about it not wait until he fully resents me and loses his mind. We want so much and look forward to so much and I just feel it's all getting thrown away. If it is another woman then it's going to be a long slog before he's finally settled down with her as we have so much to deal with beforehand. I feel like saying good luck to her

OP posts:

Limitededition7inch · 21/04/2017 14:29

I am very sorry you're going through this, OP. Giving him the benefit of the doubt (and there is no OW) could you suggest couples counselling? You don't mention how old your kids are. I think it would be worth doing this before splitting up and the kids having to deal with the fallout, especially if they are at the age to know what's going on. It may help you overcome this, especially if it is just a midlife crisis.

If there is an OW, keep your calm, as hard as it is. My friend went apeshit at her "D"H when he had an affair and he used it as an excuse to turn very nasty and use their kids as a pawn in the game, which has been very damaging to them.

Whatever the outcome you have not been a shit wife.

dollymix101 · 21/04/2017 15:26

The kids are 11 and 13 so are very aware and would be devastated at a divorce. He's 41 so I'm guessing he's at the age to have a MLC. I just can't help but feel this is my fault. I haven't put enough effort into our marriage over the last few years and things have been what I can only describe as being boring I suppose. He knows I love him and knows how much and I do tell him and show him and I do appreciate things he does for me but he still says he feels unappreciated. I'm feeling so pathetic and sorry for myself.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 21/04/2017 16:11

Yeah MLC, made up by men to carry on treating women like shit.

I am glad you are calling time on his relentless maybe I do maybe I don't, fucken ridiculous, a man with a wife and kids acting like a stroppy teenager and dangling you forever more.

Nah, he needs to make his mind up pronto.

OW, possibly, or possibly just wants to go out and shag other women. He's not the man you fell in love with anymore; I am sorry but when you hear those words, it's a kind way of trying to get you to end it to saved him looking like a cunt, which is what he is of course.

Adora10 · 21/04/2017 16:12

And stop taking the blame for his own decision, all relationships can become boring at times, what's HE done to inject the fun and romance, nothing either I bet.

noego · 21/04/2017 16:18

Yeah MLC, made up by men to carry on treating women like shit.

And I suppose women never have a MLC.

Every one changes over the years. How many of us can say we are the same person we were 10, 20 or 30 years ago. Things change and our view of life changes.

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dollymix101 · 21/04/2017 16:24

Thanks adora I suppose I have been focusing a lot on things I've been doing wrong but then I look back and he hasn't really done anything to be honest to inject any fun in our marriage. He only seems to have fun when he's with his friends or when we are in their company. I know things have gone a bit stale but god id never stop loving him for it. I must have been really really dull for it to get this bad
At the moment it's kind of that feeling where 2 weeks ago I thought we would be ok by Now ....... and now I'm thinking that surely in two weeks we should be ok..... and I can't carry on like that just waiting around. I couldn't see him waiting for me.

OP posts:

Stripyhoglets · 21/04/2017 16:56

He will have been fine with how things are till someone turned his head/caught his eye -someone posted earlier a good comment about telling him "don't make this seem like I being the bad guy" id put it in writing to him the if you are having trouble putting it in words when you talk.

Adora10 · 21/04/2017 17:01

I am sure you are far from dull OP; you are the same woman so that can't be true; such a shame though because it makes you feel rotten.

I think you need to set a time limit on this; he's either in or out.

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