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DP believes in aliens and conspiracy theories. What should I do?

(51 Posts)
wombleflump Fri 21-Apr-17 10:39:41

My DP and I have been together for three years with a DD age 19 months. He believes in aliens, bigfoot, strange creatures, conspiracy theories etc. When I first met him he did say he believed in big foot which ok I thought was no big deal. Now he spends all his time reading and talking to crazy Americans on line about aliens, strange creatures and conspiracy theories. His ideas are getting crazier and crazier. He has started wearing iron and keeping iron in the house to improve his energy. He is planning to go in the summer on his own to stay with some American's on line that claim they live with bigfoot and have been abducted by aliens. I think this is all rubbish. I am now worried about his mental stability. On one hand he is intelligent and professional. But how can he believe in such rubbish. Is he mentally ill? He drinks quite a lot and sometimes smokes cannibals which he promises he will stop as I hate it. He goes on and on about my closed mind. Most of all I am worried about my DD. I don't want him infiltrating her mind with rubbish as she becomes older. It is hard to respect someone with such ideas. He also wants to give up his professional job to concentrate on writing and research. Leaving a lot of the financial responsibility on me. When I tell him I think its all rubbish. He just gets angry and we don't speak. I feel like a single parent half the time. He does nothing in the house and sits on his computer/ipad half the time. Our physical relationship has dried up to nothing. These believes are making me question if I can have feelings for someone who appears to have lost a grip on reality. Am I being too judgemental?

lovecreameggs Fri 21-Apr-17 10:45:49

The drugs would be my issue, a deal breaker for me. But that aside then the beliefs aren't an issue - many people believe very bizarre things - like there was a man who turned water into wine, or that there is a god with an elephant head. I'd let him get on with it, although I'd question whether his planned trip is right for the family - ask how he's going to make it more inclusive of your preferences

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Fri 21-Apr-17 10:51:12

So he's:
- a crap dad;
- a crap partner;
- a crap/non-existent shag;
- he will soon contribute nothing financially;
- he drinks too much and takes drugs;
- he is a complete and utter weirdo.

Did I get all that? You write the list of pros and see if you can top the cons list.


oldestmumaintheworld Fri 21-Apr-17 10:55:57

I agree with Iwas, he's a lazy, drug taking, idiot. Kick him out and you get on with making a lovely life for your daughter

Obsidian77 Fri 21-Apr-17 10:59:29

I would also wonder about MH issues.
I couldn't see a future for myself with someone as difficult and uncooperative as that and would worry about what kind of father he would be to DD.

wombleflump Fri 21-Apr-17 11:01:31

In his defence. We moved in October and has almost completely given up smoking drugs. Only a couple of times with old friends in six months. He is funny etc. The things he does: pays half bills. Buys quite a lot of food and does some cooking (but never cleans up after). All we seem to do is argue and complain at each other. He wants to live of rent from the property he owns and live in a house I will have to buy. I am not that keen on this as seems a bit unfair.

wombleflump Fri 21-Apr-17 11:04:34

My worry is DD. He is a good dad in play and toy buying department. I worry about him messing with her mind as she is older. I have told him I wont have him telling her about such things but he doesn't like to be told anything.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 21-Apr-17 11:05:52

I couldn't take him seriously! He sounds deluded although I'm not certain he would be classed as having a mental health issue by the professionals

You sound like different people. You've only been together a short time - you're just finding out who he actually is

AnnPerkins Fri 21-Apr-17 11:06:50

He promises he will stop smoking cannabis. When is he actually going to stop?

I completely agree with Iwas too.

He sounds like a useless arse who is very soon going to become a complete liability.

JaneJeffer Fri 21-Apr-17 11:11:59

Does he talk about anything else besides conspiracies? It would get very boring. Mind you I would love to know how wearing iron improves energy levels! It sounds like he has an obsessive nature. Maybe he should speak to his GP. And I would discourage him from giving up his job.

wombleflump Fri 21-Apr-17 11:17:49

I am a bit bored to be honest. He doesn't seem that interested in my work etc. He is missing a family wedding and my Mums big birthday to go to a alien conference in USA. If I am honest my biological clock was on over drive when we met. I never really thought we were that compatible. I don't want too feel like I was using him and just bail without trying though. But feeling really tired.

Spadequeen Fri 21-Apr-17 11:21:58

And how is he going to fund the trip to the US?

I would use that time to pack up the house and move on and sort out a better life for you and dd, sorry but he's not a good dad. He is not supportive of you, he is planning a trip away by himself. Being a good dad is more than buying toys and playing with children.

wombleflump Fri 21-Apr-17 11:27:53

he currently makes quite a good income (he never saves anything) he is professional with his own business. He wants to give it up though as he says it's too stressful and he was planning to give it up before he met me. He seems to think I owe him for having a family. I have only known him three years though. I am self financing with my own professional job. I don't think I am responsible for him. He keeps cutting his hours but does little to help with all his time off.

Ipigglemustdie Fri 21-Apr-17 11:29:37

Amazes me how people who smoke weed believe all this conspiracy theory shit yet struggle to connect the dots between cannabis and paranoia.

ChuffCloud Fri 21-Apr-17 11:53:58

There is a chance that coming off drugs has made him more likely to be into all of this stuff. It's not easy to come off something that you crave and that has altered your brain chemistry. Believing all this conspiracy theory stuff may be offering a nice distraction and way of preoccupying his mind.

If it were me I'd find a way of sensitively telling him all of your concerns without making him feel like you are belittling him for his current hobbies. I'd probably try that a few times. If it doesn't work then it may be time to think about whether you want to stay with him.

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 21-Apr-17 11:59:34

Try him with a subscription to the Fortean Times. They have an 'open minded' approach, but will happily debunk (and do it scientifically) any 'crackpot' theories that come their way. But they do it within a framework of 'these things might be possible' they tend not to enrage conspiracy theorists, but they do talk sense.

Or bin him off for being a deluded waste of space and time. Or both, actually, both might work.

Wormulonian Fri 21-Apr-17 12:48:19

So - he wants you to buy a house but he will live off the rent from his house? What about your DD - sounds like she is not his priority - it's all about him and his wants and he thinks you"owe" him for letting you have a DC. Wow - what a piece of work. This man is not your friend, he does not cherish you. I would be looking to leave.

wombleflump Fri 21-Apr-17 13:16:46

Also he is so grumpy and moody recently. Maybe I am too. I just don't really enjoy his company at the moment. It's not much fun. He is annoyed I put all my energy/time into DD. This is true. I have to work and put her in nursery 3 days that I pay for. The rest of the time I spend all my time with her as I don't like to think she feels like her mum doesn't have time for her. I don't want to leave her when I am not at work as it's hard having to leave her in nursery.

Pallisers Fri 21-Apr-17 13:54:04

My guess is this isn't a sudden change in behaviour (if it was, I'd strongly suggest he get checked out by a doctor) but just the way he is. I think you knew it too but as you said, your biological clock was ticking and you wanted to get pregnant. Now you have a child with a man who believes in alien abductions and wants to quit work. Personally I'd have left my clock tick on for another bit but then again I'm only reading the truly weird bits you have shared on here.

There really isn't much you can do about it - you can't force him to be someone he isn't. You don't sound like you are that into him at all so why not go your separate ways now rather than later (because you will split up at some point). You will, of course, have to continue some sort of relationship with him and figure out how to be parents together because you are linked through your daughter for the rest of your lives.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Apr-17 13:59:53

What do you get out of this relationship with this lazy drug taking idiot?.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up, why is your bar so very low here that this person wormed his way in at all?.

There is no defence for his actions here.

Why have you put up with this from him to date at all, you need to ask yourself some difficult questions along the lines of the above. Women in such relationships as well often state that he is a good dad as well when they can write nothing positive about their own man. He does the barest of bare minimums for you and his child. And now he wants to go to the US without you both. He is no professional and sees you as a sap.

Is this really the example of a relationship you want to be showing your DD?. Would you want this type of relationship for her?.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Fri 21-Apr-17 14:03:11

He's bonkers, useless, you don't like him and you don't get on.

Have my first ever LTB.

Ellisandra Fri 21-Apr-17 14:08:26

Well, this one's pretty simple: you made a mistake.

No point carrying on with an even bigger one.

Rip that sticking plaster off. He's just a lazy embarrassment!

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Fri 21-Apr-17 14:15:30

Ps. I doubt he's mentally ill. If he eats and sleeps normally, works, has other relationships, and is generally content, but just believes some stupid stuff, then he's not ill. He's just weird.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Fri 21-Apr-17 14:18:29

Womble, whether or not he has cut down on drugs, matters not, as he is still doing them.
I honestly think that you should organise yourself, regarding assets etc, before he does give up working altogether, then leave.
I quite enjoy reading the Fortean Times forum, but only as an occasional lurker, those people seem interesting and grounded.
Your Husband sounds obsessive, perhaps his mental health is impaired, due to drugs/smoking them.
Don't berate yourself, you never really, truly know anyone properly, until you live with them.
Do what is right, for you and your daughter.
Your Husband is away with the fairies.

ElspethFlashman Fri 21-Apr-17 14:52:38

You made a mistake. You bet the wrong horse, but at least you got your DD out of it.

His influence would be a hell of a lot less during visitation than if she were to live with him (and listening to him) 100% of the time.

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