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Would I be wrong to approach this subject with DP?

(30 Posts)
RainbowsAndLemonDrops Thu 20-Apr-17 21:12:11

I'm expecting to be shot down in flames here... basically, DP and I have been together 9 months and we're happy. I'm the happiest I've ever been after two awful LT relationships. DP split with his ex a year and a half ago and they have a 3 year old DD.

Firstly, I appreciate that they must have daily contact regarding the care of their DD and I have no problems with that. Something happened last week that she wanted my DP's advice for (not regarding their DD). Since then they've been in constant and I mean constant contact. They've always messaged at what I'd say inappropriate times (when we're out for drinks/dinner/at a show) he'll reply to her instantly - even when it's not regarding their DD. Again, if it was I'd have no problems!

I went out to get breakfast for us the other day, came back and he's messaging her. Usually he tells me what they talk about or will say X has called/messaged.

I'm a very untrusting person in general and have been cheated on before (please don't say you don't trust him, the relationships done) it isn't. If I had that mindset I'd be single forever as I struggle to trust anyone!

Feel free to tell me I shouldn't say anything and I'm being a massive twat grin

AmberLin Thu 20-Apr-17 21:32:31

I'd stay out of it for now. 3 year olds can be very very demanding and exhausting. She may just be looking for support and venting. My 3 year old is a terror, I text my dh all his adventures and tantrums (he works in another city all week). They have a history and a child together...

RainbowsAndLemonDrops Thu 20-Apr-17 21:39:41

Thanks amberlin flowers I do get that, I really do, I just worry I guess when it's constant texts regarding non DD related issues. I just feel a little uneasy blush

magoria Thu 20-Apr-17 21:44:22

I wouldn't like to be the third wheel.

He is texting her stuff that has nothing to do with their DD when the two of you are on dates etc and he replies immediately.

It is only 9 months I would back off and leave them too it otherwise long term them texting when we are supposed to be at a show etc would piss me off.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 20-Apr-17 21:45:32

If something in your relationship is making you unhappy or suspicious, you should go ahead and bring it up with your partner, regardless of problems with previous partners.

RainbowsAndLemonDrops Thu 20-Apr-17 21:49:29

magoria that's exactly how I feel and I know if I don't say something in a constructive way I'll end up snapping and saying something along the lines of "right, I'll get a taxi home and leave you two to it. I'm clearly interrupting you"

justmuddling you're right, I'm just a little unsure of how to approach the situation in a sensitive way, rather than coming across as I don't want them both to have a friendship.

Smeaton Thu 20-Apr-17 21:51:15

I get the feelings may be feeling a bit stuck himself.
On one hand, he doesn't want to upset you, on the other he doesn't want issue with the mother of his child. He's likely scared shed use the child and start being awkward with access and such.

AmberLin Thu 20-Apr-17 21:51:34

It's really hard learning how to trust. Believe me, I know. But after only 9 months you could easily scare your dp off by showing even slight glimpses of jealousy or mistrust. Take it easy.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 20-Apr-17 21:54:11

Just say that you understand completely, that his DD is his main priority. But when he messages his ex while you are enjoying couple time, about non urgent things, it makes you feel unimportant and it's upsetting you.

RainbowsAndLemonDrops Thu 20-Apr-17 21:54:12

sneaton you're probably right there. He is very open with me, we do a lot together and is a happy relationship. When they argue occasionally she'll call him a waste of space dad and god knows what else and he never ever calls her out on it. He said it easier that way?

Smeaton Thu 20-Apr-17 21:55:20

Its easier that way?

Sounds like he's keeping her sweet for fear of reprisal to me.

user1490817136 Thu 20-Apr-17 22:01:36

I wouldn't like that OP. I would speak to him about the responding to her personal texts when the two of you are on a date. If it's about the DC that's completely understandable (but only if urgent). This isn't just about you learning to trust , it's about him earning it.

It might just be a case of him always having responded immediately to her texts and he hasn't considered changing that now you are around. TBH I'd consider anyone sending a non-urgent text to anyone while they are out having dinner/coffee with me though. I'm rather grumpy :-)

RainbowsAndLemonDrops Thu 20-Apr-17 22:06:21

user he has his DD tonight but we're going out tomorrow so if she messages then, I will voice my concerns. It's just no sitting right with me. I sometimes wonder if I'm just being a bit unreasonable and silly things make me anxious sometimes!

user1490817136 Thu 20-Apr-17 22:06:45

I meant to say 'rude' , sorry , I hope my post makes more sense now.

But , yes , I'd tell him you consider it rude and that he may need to set boundaries with her.

user1490817136 Thu 20-Apr-17 22:09:19

As with anything OP , if it makes you uncomfortable then you should speak up. I would expect to be told off by my DF if I engaged in non-urgent conversation with my ex when we were out having dinner or at the cinema!

QuiteLikely5 Thu 20-Apr-17 22:14:17

People do not need to be in persistent contact about a three year old child.

If they are separated then they should act like it.

In your shoes I would not tolerate this as I would not feel comfortable with it.

You have boundaries and this situation is pushing those boundaries.

Time to act so your boundaries can be reinstated!!

RainbowsAndLemonDrops Fri 21-Apr-17 08:07:03

quitelikely I agree. I'll speak to him tonight blush hope he doesn't think I'm being an arse!

user1490817136 Fri 21-Apr-17 08:21:51

It's not being an arse though , you just wish to be treated as you would treat others.

I would be curious as to what he would do if your phone went off after you'd ordered your starters and you sat tapping away to an ex partner about their problems!

I have an ex that I share kids with and although I understand that people are different , my relationship with the ex is very business like. Our text threads consist of "what time are you picking the kids up today?" "6pm" "Thanks". And these conversations happen only when contact is due.

Underthemoonlight Fri 21-Apr-17 08:31:58

You only been together 9months it's very early days. My DH isn't particularly aware that I might message ex tbh it's not really issue with us he understands that I have a child with him.

RainbowsAndLemonDrops Fri 21-Apr-17 08:48:53

Every time I message someone at an unusual time he asks what are you up too? So I know he'd probably feel the same.

I understand it's early days, but I think there should be boundaries and a limit. They need contact for their DC absolutely, but this feels too much and it's playing on my mind.

Cafechocalatte Fri 21-Apr-17 09:31:26

I can see why it might bother you, however, I am in daily contact with my ex. We split up 10.5 years ago, my youngest dc is nearly 12, so we don't need to be in constant contact, but my current dp would probably say we were!
I would not take my ex back if you paid me, but he was a big part of my life, I consider him a friend.
If you are going to approach your bf about this tonight then please do it carefully. You don't want to come across jealous and possessive at this early stage.
I agree with a pp who said it sounds like he is keeping her sweet to possibly avoid any contact issues

RainbowsAndLemonDrops Fri 21-Apr-17 12:18:32

He does say he'd never get back with her, he's told me that numerous times but I just struggle to trust what people say. I'm not a confrontational person, I'm dreading bringing it up sad

Isetan Fri 21-Apr-17 13:50:21

Oh dear guess who's going to pay the price of "keeping his Ex sweet"?

You're so busy figuring out what to think that you've forgotten that, constantly replying to non urgent texts when on a date is just plain rude, whoever he's responding to.

I think it's really important that you establish where your boundaries are because not knowing and failing to maintain them, won't make for a positive relationship dynamic for you.

RainbowsAndLemonDrops Fri 21-Apr-17 14:23:22

He's been online all day, taking forever to respond to my messages but he'll be messaging her.

I'm going to bring it up tonight, if nothing changes I think I need to reconsider things. This is not what I want to feel like for the rest of our lives.

I'm fucked off. angry

Isetan Fri 21-Apr-17 15:06:08

Calm down and take a deep breath. There's no need to verbally pop a cap in his ass just yet.

Take the focus of the discussion away from his Ex and simply say, that you find it quite rude that he prioritises non urgent texts while you are on dates or are spending the evening together. Thus putting the emphasis on the behaviour and not the Ex.

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