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How can I learn to let go?

(7 Posts)
Bobcho Thu 20-Apr-17 17:30:39

Hi, I'm a first time poster so please be gentle!
I wanted to hear from some other mums who are in or have been in a similar situation to me.
Basically my husband went ahead with a vasectomy that I didn't want him to have as I would have liked to try for one more baby in the future. This was about 3 months ago and since then I'm having a really hard time letting it go.
My husband is in every other respect a really good and kind husband and an excellent father to our 2dc and this is a single awful thing which he did.
I don't want this one event to affect the family we already have and love but I'm having a really hard time forgiving and forgetting.
I'm really cross not only that I am now denied the joy of being a new mother again, but I'm also devastated by the deception of my husband.
He's not totally to blame in this- we had always agreed that after 2 he would book in for his vasectomy but as the time got closer I moved the goal posts and changed my mind but dh decided I just had a 'bit of cold feet' and went ahead anyway. He genuinely thought I'd be really pleased.
But I am devastated!! And he is devastated that I'm upset although he stands by his decision to have the op done.
Anyway, I guess I'm just asking how do you let go of all the anger and pain? I want to let go- it is starting to affect our relationship and what is done is done. I have 2 beautiful and healthy children and a husband who loves me very much and I don't want to ruin this because I feel all toxic inside!!! Help!! X

befuddledgardener Thu 20-Apr-17 17:32:28

Search forgiveness on google. There's a good psychologies article on it somewhere

SmilingButClueless Thu 20-Apr-17 17:37:42

In the kindest possible way, it's his body, his choice.

I assume he didn't want to try for another child, so I think he's been very sensible.

From a practical perspective, think of all the things you can do with your DC that wouldn't be so easy with a third, how much extra space you'd need, car transport etc. Be grateful for what you have, rather than focusing on what you don't have.

Bobcho Thu 20-Apr-17 17:44:56

No he didn't want another child and I agree it is his choice but I feel I'm left to deal with the emotional turmoil alone. I just want this awful feeling to go away and I can't talk to him about it x

noego Fri 21-Apr-17 16:12:46

In the kindest possible way, it's his body, his choice.

So when she decides she wants another child in the future she should get inseminated by another and then say. "My body, my choice."

It's 2017 FFS. Birth control is available. I think he was selfish and wrong to do this. Is it reversible? If it isn't then what's done is done and somehow OP you need to move on and re-build the trust you had before this. Maybe some solo counselling , maybe even couples counselling.

pallasathena Fri 21-Apr-17 16:28:48

I'd focus on what you do have rather than what you don't have and practise gratitude for having a husband who loves you, two happy, healthy children and a lifestyle free from hardship.
From what you say, you both agreed to complete your family at two children and while it must be difficult, indeed heartbreaking for you to have to accept no more babies, surely your relationship with your husband can weather the emotional storm you are feeling.
If it can't, then you could look into him getting a reversal of the vasectomy. It can be done but it would probably put another unwelcome strain on the relationship. And would he be up for it anyway?

ActivityGrrl Fri 21-Apr-17 17:03:58

I know you already know this, but you can't force someone to have another child just because you want one. If a father came on here angry because he wanted more kids and his wife had said no or had surgery, then people would rightly tell him that it's her body, her life, and her decision - just as your other half has decided that he does not want to become a father a third time, and has followed your original plans.

Coming to terms with your feelings is important now - could you possibly see about talking to a professional about your feelings?

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