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Looking for solace or support... finding myself a possible single mum to 14 mo baby at 40!

(15 Posts)
ironteejay Thu 20-Apr-17 16:16:07

Hello all, I just wanted to offload! I am living in a city where I have no family and I am in the process of splitting from my partner. We have a baby who is only fourteen months old, I'm terrified! Have had to take week off work and it's just been me and the baby since Monday, with occasional meetings with partner.
I asked him to leave because he was putting me through the mill so much with his constant arguing and selfishness. I read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and I noticed he had traits of abusiveness and noticed a definite pattern of causing rows and possible coercion. I suddenly got really freaked out and angry for everything that has happened over the many years we've been together, which I always blamed myself for, the anger had built up and swung in the other direction! I got really angry with him and told him what I thought he's been doing, which he denied, then after giving in for a nice atmosphere later asked him not come home from work and to find somewhere to stay for a few nights to give me space.

I feel like I'm going mad as i have literally nobody to even come and sit with me and he's coming round tonight for 'the talk' and I am absolutely shattered after non stop childcare. Worse thing is he only works weekends so and I have a steady job so he normally does all the childcare and we have nothing in place! Could anybody point me in the way of any support I might be able to access? Thanks.

thegirlfromthehill Thu 20-Apr-17 16:24:38

So sorry to hear you are going through this. Don't know if any of these suggestions will be much help but have you any friends or family to whom you can turn to, even for a chat over the phone? Sometimes just offloading can help you to get things in perspective and help come up with fresh ideas.

And have you called Women's Aid? They will be able to give you advice and information as to where to find potential sources of practical support.

Alternatively, could you ask your work for a period of extended leave (explain to them what's going on) and go back to your home town with the baby for a bit to see if your future lies there?

Would you consider let your DP look after your little one during the day as per before your spilt, with him then leaving you with your child at night?

Thinking of you - you can do this flowers

ironteejay Thu 20-Apr-17 16:45:08

thank you girlfromthehill <3 I do have people to chat to, my sister on the phone. I can't drive so i can't get home without it being a major operation. If it wasn't for my little noy being so lovely it would be a lot worse. I just have moments of exhaustion and panic, I want to stay strong. Might go back to women's aid, if I can get a minute to navigate the website. I'm just getting very stressed because he's coming round soon and I don't want to end up being swayed, I just don't know what to think anymore, more confused than ever sad(

ironteejay Thu 20-Apr-17 16:45:58


Dozer Thu 20-Apr-17 16:49:14

You don't have to meet him or talk to him and can ask him to leave at any time. Just sort out appropriate contact arrangements for your DC.

Perhaps you could seek counselling (alone) for support as you seek to move on.

And perhaps consider the Freedom Programme.

Legal advice about your next steps, eg moving closer to family.

ironteejay Thu 20-Apr-17 16:52:13

Great advice Dozer, thank you. I am still doubting myself, am I being too harsh on him, to swinging from extreme guilt to being furious with him.

Boooooom Thu 20-Apr-17 16:59:18

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. sorry I don't have any practical advice but just wanted to send you a hug. Breathe. Be brave x

ironteejay Thu 20-Apr-17 17:20:00

Thanks Boom, much appreciated xx

Foureyesarebetterthantwo Thu 20-Apr-17 17:32:37

This is an ongoing decision, you don't have to make it in one night on one occasion, give yourself a bit of breathing space to work out what you want.

Dozer Thu 20-Apr-17 17:45:31

Yes, and if he is decent he will give you space, not hassle you, and will make every effort to see his DC without bothering you. You ended things for good reasons by the sounds of it.

ironteejay Thu 20-Apr-17 18:23:18

Thanks Foureyes; have to say the worst thing is the pressure, sitting here waiting and worrying, the days are long enough with a little one!

@Dozer: to his credit he has been decent enough and has given me lots of space, in fact he has cancelled tonight as he's been on a job and is tired. It's a relief I suppose.

HappyJanuary Thu 20-Apr-17 18:34:29

Well that gives you some time to think about what you want.

It sounds like you have given it a lot of thought, but just bear in mind that exhaustion and sleep deprivation do not always make for clear thinking.

It is perfectly acceptable to separate temporarily while you both decide what you want.

I think pressing issues to discuss are childcare and financing two homes.

Would he be willing to continue providing weekday childcare so that you can work, or will he now be looking for a full time job that pays better?

How will income be divided so that you can both live, pay bills etc? Or will you each both support yourselves separately from your individual salaries?

Talk to tax credits and the benefits agency about anything you may be entitled to.

Should the arrangement look likely to become permanent, spend money seeing a decent solicitor about access and division of assets.

ironteejay Thu 20-Apr-17 20:35:10

@HappyJanuary thank you for your very practical post. It's given me a few more ideas to consider that are very helpful.

NeverTwerkNaked Thu 20-Apr-17 20:44:01

Huge sympathies.
Your biggest risk, reading your current arrangements, is that he could argue he is the main carer and you could end up with weekends only. I would get some pretty swift legal advice

You will carve out a new life though, and after the bumps and strangeness you will be in a happier place and find a "new normal". I really enjoy single parenthood (left ex for similar reasons). My children are happy and thriving. I hope that gives you some hope flowers

ironteejay Fri 21-Apr-17 09:04:43

@NeverTwerkNaked thanks, that is a worry. I have an appointment with a solicitor on Wednesday but I haven't had chance to speak to baby's dad about anything yet so I don't know what his expectations are. I am beginning to think he was looking for a way out anyway as he seems to be avoiding us now!

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