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Can someone, please, tell me one way or the other whether any of these situations constituted sexual assault? **MNHQ - trigger warning**

(17 Posts)
cadybradia Thu 20-Apr-17 15:26:27

My head is a mess after watching a TV show that featured rape. There are things in my life that always bothered me and I want to know for sure what happened.

Please give your opinion. Thank you.

1) I am 13, at my first concert. An adult man standing behind me grabs my hips and presses his erect penis against my bum and moves it up and down, then laughs and pulls away. I burst into tears and tell my friend. Later, I told a male friend, and he said "well he didn't have his cock right out did he? I wouldn't make a big deal out of it".

2) I am 14, on a DofE camping trip with school. I have been talking on MSN to a boy my age, I guess maybe it was flirtatious. I am a virgin and have been kissed once, by a female friend who forced herself on me in her bedroom.

Everyone goes to bed and I sit by the remains of the campfire in combat trousers and a red jumper. I am not wearing a bra because I took it off earlier for bed.

The boy comes and sits by me and I stare into the fire. Suddenly he starts playing with my breasts through my top. I stare ahead and he puts his hand on my crotch and starts feeling around.

I feel freaked out but can't explain why. In the morning, I can't stop crying and I remember pushing my arm into a thorny bush so that it would prick my arm and I'd focus on the pain.

My friend asked what was wrong and I said James did stuff to me and I don't think I wanted him to. She took me to the teacher and asked if I could go home, they saw me crying but said there's no way I could go home, and to go and pull myself together. I had to hike back with him in my group the next day. When I got home I burnt the jumper I was wearing at the bottom of the garden, and I remember sitting on my bed crying and feeling sick.

But nothing really "happened" so I don't know why I had this reaction? I didn't say no, I just sat there like a lemon and then got dramatic about it.

The boy messaged me on MSN later "I hoped you'd do stuff to me too :P" and I blocked him. I dropped out of Art because he did that subject and eventually I started bunking off school entirely, partly to do with this and partly because of some physical bullying by some boys.

3. I am 23, having sex with (male, 23). He reaches over and picks up his phone during sex because he gets a text. I can see it's from a girl. I get out of bed, pull my pyjamas up and ask what the hell he's doing. He grabs me, says "is this what you want, is that it?" pulls me back into bed, pulls my pyjamas down and puts himself inside me. He stops after a few seconds because he notices I'm crying.

He gets out of bed, says he's going to stay at his parents because I'm making him feel like a rapist.

4. I'm 23, drunk, in my bed at home. A friend of my housemate comes upstairs, gets into bed "to warm me up" as I was cold outside. I tell him not to, and he starts hugging me/feeling my body, I burst into tears and he calls me crazy/a freak, then leaves.

5. I'm 24, on an in-patient psychiatric ward. I have been kissing one of the guys there who is close in age to me. He waits until the nurses have left the room, so the next observation won't be until later, and pulls out his dick and tries to put it in me.

I tell him "no, we'll get caught" but he keeps going and puts himself inside me. He stops because someone is coming back to the room.

6. I'm 25, I go to meet a friend at a bar. I am on diazepam for anxiety and have some drinks. I get quite drunk. We have previously had sex, in the past. He is very drunk and lairy, touches me in public even though I say no. I don't go home because I am an idiot. He gets bored and walks off, I chase him.

He goes to a car park. He presses me up against the wall and kisses me. I can hear other people in the car park so pull back and am unsure. He slaps me across the face (gently) and tells me to do what he says.

I burst into tears and say "don't do that, don't slap me, what the fuck" and he slaps me again with a grin and says "shut up".

Again, I should have left, I'm an idiot, I was confused.

He asked why I was crying and I couldn't get words out. He said "it's just me, it's fine". I said I feel like he's making me do stuff. He accuses me of being abused in the past.

Then he says "well I'm bigger than you, so I could rape you if I wanted".

Something flicked in my brain and I panicked and immediately lay on the floor and let him have sex with me. I think I even made sounds like I liked it but I wasn't properly inside my own head.

After it happened I ran off and I remember crying on a bench in the dark before throwing my tights away and walking home.

----

Thanks.

Thebookswereherfriends Thu 20-Apr-17 15:37:54

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all that. I would say all those situations constituted either assault or rape. I'm sorry you had no support from your relative or teachers for the first incidences. If you had you might have been able to deal better with the later ones as you would have known for sure that you were in no way to blame for any of it.

newtlover Thu 20-Apr-17 15:46:55

I agree, all of those are either sexual assualt or rape and none are your fault any more than if you'd been robbed or burgled. You were badly let down by your friend in 1, but more seriously by the teachers in 2, and by the staff in the hospital. I'm sorry these things happened to you but they don't have to define the rest of your life. I suggest you get some help in RL.

category12 Thu 20-Apr-17 16:09:11

You could talk to Rape Crisis? I'm sorry you've been through all this.

MrsTwix Thu 20-Apr-17 16:51:25

All of those situations are sexual assault or rape. I'm so sorry that you have been through so much.

Andro Thu 20-Apr-17 21:07:31

6/6 in terms of sexual assault, with 3 and 5 being rape.

SarcasmMode Thu 20-Apr-17 21:17:44

Yes sexual assaults and rape - I'm so sorry.

Number 6 also physically assaulted you when he slapped you.

He sounds fucking vile.

I'd like to see how he'd feel if a bigger man said 'I could rape you if I wanted' to him.

angryangry on your behalf.

foxyloxy78 Thu 20-Apr-17 21:17:50

I think you need to get some help in RL. You've been through an awful lot. flowers

SarcasmMode Thu 20-Apr-17 21:19:07

6 is rape too.

Theimpossiblegirl Thu 20-Apr-17 21:34:01

I agree, you need to talk to someone in real life. You did not choose for any of those things to happen, you are not to blame. Just one of those things is too much to bear alone, you can't keep these things to yourself, please talk to Rape Crisis.

Shoxfordian Thu 20-Apr-17 21:35:38

Yes; all sexual assault or rape

Please talk to someone as suggested and take care flowers

CeciledeVolanges Thu 20-Apr-17 22:00:25

They are all sexual assault or rape. I would say some of them are aggravated by the fact that you were vulnerable at the time. You didn't deserve it, you didn't bring it on yourself, it 100% wasn't your fault and I'm sorry this has happened to you.

foxyloxy78 Thu 20-Apr-17 22:07:12

OP, you may find this helpful. reconnected.life/

sheepashwap Thu 20-Apr-17 22:30:13

It's all sexual assault or rape.

All entirely 100% NOT your fault.

You are not to blame because you didn't leave or anything else at all.

It can be pretty reassuring and harsh reading all the responses confirming what you've not been sure about but know make you feel really bad. How are you doing?

cadybradia Thu 20-Apr-17 22:36:46

Thanks for everyone for your replies. I keep checking back. I was expecting some dissent, but everyone seems in agreement (broadly).

Initially I felt weirdly numb, but now I feel a bit more peaceful. I always knew these things were wrong in a gutteral sense, but the boys made me doubt myself and I have spent years being confused about it. At least now I know, I was right to hate it, and I can try to move on.

I will seek counselling over the summer as I am a student.

Thanks again.

Theimpossiblegirl Sat 22-Apr-17 20:17:13

OP, there may be counselling available to you as a student that you can access rather than wait. I'm glad you are reaching out for support, it's a big step but as you said, you can now move on with your life and stop blaming/doubting yourself.

SailAwayWithMeHoney Sat 22-Apr-17 20:25:14

Yes; all of these were sexual abuse/assaults/rape.

I'm so sorry OP flowers

If you should need it, the number for rape crisis is; 0808 802 9999
10am - midnight every day.

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