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Going no contact (nc)/ low contact (lc) with abusive stbxh with children involved.

(6 Posts)
flirtygirl Thu 20-Apr-17 13:39:20

Hi, im moving towrds the end of the year and planning on going no contact (nc) low contact (lc) with abusive stbxh, there was all the types of abuse involved. Emotional physical sexual and financial.

Children aged 7 and 18, 18 disabled but wants nothing to do with ex, he could argue her mental age is much lower which it is, but shes sure of her decision.

7 yo has seen far more than any child should and i currently force her to talk to him on the phone or see him once or twice a week.

He thinks he may see her eow when we move away but she is not willing and neither am i, he wont take me to court.

My question is, is their such a thing as a primal bond, is it more damaging to do low contact or no contact then it is to force her into visitations with a narcissistic father?

He upsets her often and has always been this way, saying that he is right so it doesnt matter if she is upset and thats whats wrong with parents in this country as we dont want to upset our kids.

I am divorcing him so im keen to go no contact for my own safety and state of mind, to put it into context he tried to kill me (strangled me in a rage is one example) and recently when i let him in to discuss contact he tried to sexually assault me saying it was fine as im still his wife.

I did not ring the police. (Court orders mean nothing to him and i didnt ring the police in years of abuse so no trail.)
Im trying to keep things from escalating more until the divorce is final and we have moved away.

I think no contact is better as he gaslights, lies and can be aggressive to the children both girls if and when they disagree with him. Older dd has seen this as she got older and even though autistic he would shout at her that she had no brain or a stupid mind whilst tapping her on the head. I know it sounds bad and I did try to stop him which us another long story and it just took me a while to get away from him.

I think overall im doing the right thing but please any advice is much appreciated.

Or put another way would you go no contact in my situation.?

donners312 Thu 20-Apr-17 13:50:42

I am in your situation (although ex not sexually abusive).

I have gone no contact personally - the police will support you with this if he continues to contact you.

The DC are LC and we are in court at mo as he want to see them (except he doesn't really) and i am going to push for every other month at the DC request. TBH he only saw them twice last year so not sure he will do that anyway.

donners312 Thu 20-Apr-17 13:52:03

I also struggle with the question 'is a shit father better than no father'

I don't think it is but when you go through the process a lot of professional seem to believe the opposite which i don't understand the logic?

flirtygirl Thu 20-Apr-17 14:26:48

Yep thats it donners, im not doing it to be spiteful but to protect us all from further harm espescially mentally for the girls but i wondered am i doing the right thing?

rizlett Thu 20-Apr-17 14:34:33

I had no contact with my father after I was 2 years old - and I have grown up feeling a part of me is missing - however as an adult I am aware that knowing him might have had positive and negative points.

Your DD's do have experience of their father and are aware of his detrimental impact on all your lives. Further contact with an abusive parent surely will increase this negative effect and I believe you are completely right and responsible in your decision to have no further contact at all.

flirtygirl Thu 20-Apr-17 23:22:32

Thanks rizlett its good to have the perspective from that side.

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