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Close friend / drinking(9 Posts)
I've posted previously, under various guises. Not a troll, or journo etc.
I live with a very good friend of c.10 years. We are in a joint tenancy. It runs out at the end of the year.
Friend (we will call them W) has a drinking problem. When W is at work, they will get back in the evening, drink 3 - 4 x 500ml bottles of beer, and half - 1 bottle of wine, to themselves. If W is at home during the day, they drink from around 10am until they pass out.
Their behaviour when they drink ranges from puerile to spiteful, they'll never apologise when they're reminded of their behaviour when they're sober. They have also started to seriously disrespect our shared surroundings - doors left wide unlocked and wide open, tvs left on and blaring, taps left running etc.
I have told W that I am extremely concerned about them and their behaviour, offered to go to support groups/GP with them. No answer. I am now refusing to buy them alcohol, which W understands and no longer asks me to do.
Before W moved in, I knew they were a big social drinker but I had no idea that they drank to the extent that they did, and every night / all day when they get the chance.
W holds down a full time job, just. They are interviewed for similar and better roles semi regularly but never get anywhere. It transpires that W drinks prior to the interviews - this didn't shock me, as W always reeks of booze.
I don't know what else I can do, apart from move out and not continue to share another property with W when the lease runs out. I am worried about W's health, desperately. I am also worried about my own wellbeing, as the thought of coming home is starting to make me increasingly panicked and anxious.
Is there any point in sitting W down again and re iterating my point?
I can't contact any of W's family - they live on the other side of the country from us and I have no way of contacting them. W has an off/on again partner, who I think encourages their lifestyle as it's previously been described as 'bohemian' and 'romantic' (prat).
Your friend is not your problem. I understand you are worried about them but you cannot help them unless they want it. If i were you i would move out and move on. It may seem harsh but you need to protect yourself.
Do you have children living with you? I am wondering if your friend might pose a risk to them?
The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
You need to move out as soon as possible and certainly before the end of the year when the tenancy runs out. Is it a possibility as well that Ws behaviour now could well cause the tenancy to end sooner as well?.
What are your roles in all this?. You need to look at your own reasons for at all getting involved with W as well. You cannot rescue and or save someone who really does not want to be helped and this person does not want your help or support. At least you no longer buy alcohol for W; that was simply enabling behaviour on your part.
There is absolutely no point whatsoever in sitting down and talking to W again; that person has likely heard it all before from others.
The only person you can help here is you ultimately and you cannot afford to let your own self be further dragged down by another person's alcoholism. Al-anon are well worth contacting and they are very helpful.
Thanks for the replies:
1) No DC living with us, I am a NRP.
2) My role? Close friends, now a housemate. Would never ever have agreed to live with W had I known the extent of their drinking.
3) Ending the tenancy early would mean we needed to pay the remaining rent - c.£4000 and pay the rent elsewhere. I do not have the funds to do this, and cannot get a loan to do so.
No, there is absolutely no point talking to them about the drinking - get out of the lease as soon as is practical, especially if the drinking is affecting you.
The amount of denial involved in drinking is spectacular, its not a case of you "convincing" them that they have a problem, they have to get there themselves - its a horrific thing to be a bystander for
Would the on off girlfriend be prepared to move in at a subsidiesed amount (i.e. you pay a month of their rent if she signs a tenancy agreement?
Immoral, but if they are encouraging the lifestyle that may work for them?
Is there any point? No. Your friend is an alcoholic. Even if they were your spouse/family member, there would be absolutely nothing you could say to cause them to stop drinking or seek help.
Your course of action is pretty straightforward- protect your own health and get out ASAP. I would look at your tenancy T&Cs to see if you can invoke a break clause to get out sooner.
I know you care for this person, but you can't help them. Your options are to go down with them, or cut the rope and save yourself. I'm sorry.
On/Off partner has a mortgaged home that they live in alone. Not interested in W moving in, or moving in with W (I know...)
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