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Should I tell his parents?

(12 Posts)
MsMontyWomble Thu 20-Apr-17 10:48:13

Me and my partner have recently split.
He is a functioning alcoholic and over the 10 years we have been together (not married but two DC's), his drinking and behaviour has gotten worse and worse. There was a terrible incident the weekend before last where I had to remove the children to a neighbours and he smashed our sliding door mirror to smithereens by punching it repeatedly whilst I was sat on the floor in front of it and was sick all over our bed, duvet, floor, curtains and hallway.

Anyway, fast forward to today and he has since seeked help, has been attending at least one AA meeting a day (if not more, work permitting) and has gotten himself a sponsor and is now 12 days sober.

Me and the children moved out for a week and stayed with a friend whilst he cleaned the house up, we then moved back in on Monday and he is staying in a hotel... has no further plans though.

I have said, I will not take him back this time. Enough is enough and it is a shame that it has taken this to make him see it is time to get help and sort his life out - for his sake and the kids.

We have reached a stage where I am past the anger and hurt and I feel able to support him as a friend.

My dilemma I have is that his parents live abroad (France) and are aware of his drinking but do not know how bad it is as a lot has been hidden from them - at the time to protect them which may have been wrong. However, I think they should know what is going on with their son and what he is facing at the moment and that we have split.
He will not tell them as he doesn't want to worry or upset them but I don't agree. No matter if he is mid thirties, as a parent surely you will always want to help your children?

We were never well off and tended to live hand to mouth, payday to payday, and he is trying to support me in the house until I can get the single child tax claim sorted but that will take a few weeks. So, he will not be able to stay in the hotel for long and will need to find a place soon to rent. His parents are quite comfortable money-wise and I am sure could help him financially - temporarily, whilst he finds his feet again. But he will not ask. Stubbornness? Pride? Embarrassment? I don't know maybe all of them.

So, my question is - do I send them an email outlining the situation against/without his knowledge? Not asking for money but making them aware so that they can then reach out to him and offer support in any way they see fit?
Or do I leave well alone and leave this to him??

He is struggling with the withdrawal affects and is mentally a little unstable at the moment - but seems to be coping as well as can be expected. I just think as parents they should be made aware.

What do you think? I have drafted an email but am yet to hit send....

noego Thu 20-Apr-17 11:21:00

He needs to do this on his own. His parents, not being professionals might do or say the wrong things.

MsMontyWomble Thu 20-Apr-17 11:35:15

I'm trying to support him but without being his crutch. He does need to do this himself - but other than me, he has no real friends that will be there for him and so I just think at least with his parents being there for him - even if in France offering calls and emails with help and support and love would be a good thing.
And if they are able and happy to help him financially, then this is one less thing for his to have to stress about and keep him focused on his recovery.

noego Thu 20-Apr-17 11:40:02

So you enabled him for over 10 years. You have stepped aside and now you want his parents to enable him?

Mintychoc1 Thu 20-Apr-17 11:41:35

I'd definitely tell them. He could use the extra support, and you will need someone to help you too if you're hoping to help him as well.

ImperialBlether Thu 20-Apr-17 11:41:49

He needs to be an adult here and frankly, having money to spare is more likely to send him to the pub.

Mintychoc1 Thu 20-Apr-17 11:43:55

Bizarre point of view noego

OP hasn't enabled him, she's tolerated it and now reached the end of her tether. His parents can hopefully offer some support, emotional and financial. Plenty of parents of adult children do that.

witwootoodleoo Thu 20-Apr-17 11:48:01

Personally I would tell them. Both because I would want to make sure he is okay and also because selfishly I'd be much less likely to slip back into getting too involved if I knew he had no-one else to make sure he's okay.

witwootoodleoo Thu 20-Apr-17 11:48:48

Whoops double negative there. Meant if I knew he had support I'd be less likely to keep getting involved

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 20-Apr-17 11:57:10

He does not want you to tell them about his drink problem and he could get angry with you if you went behind him in such a manner. FWIW they may know that he has always had a drink problem and likely covered it up or otherwise made excuses for him. They cannot help him and neither can you now.

I would simply inform his parents that you and he have now separated.

He does not really want your help or support. Supporting him as a friend now is mired in difficulties as well because you are still as caught up in his alcoholism as he is. Its a fine line between supporting and being his enabler or crutch. Do not continue to play out those roles.

MsMontyWomble Thu 20-Apr-17 12:12:04

I may have possible enabled him noego - but this was not intentionally. We have 2 young children and I have always hoped that "this time" he meant it, "this time" he would stay sober and we would be the family that my children deserved and the partner that I deserved.
He has no REAL friends so other than AA has no one to talk to. I have made it very clear that I am at a point of no return and that himself and the kids should be his main focus.
I have been to one Al-Anon meeting since this all happened and I intend to keep going as I know his alcoholism has affected my life as much as his.

noego Thu 20-Apr-17 13:34:49

Having been around this with exFIL, exMIL, 2 x SIL's and ex W I can only tell you that anything you do will not in anyway help. I had conversations with the above for hours and hours, supported them, pulled them out of the shit financially, took them to meetings etc. They will promise you the world, say all the right things and still not stop. 3 of the above met with an early death. They need professional help. They need AA, the 12 step programme, rehab, but not by you, You will be pulled into the disease and it will make you ill and ultimately your DC's will suffer. Get rid. concentrate on your DC's. Live life like it is supposed to be lived.

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