Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Concerns For DD

(34 Posts)
Shewhomustgowithoutname Wed 19-Apr-17 23:40:37

I have an older DD who has a DC of her own. She was still at school when she decided to be pregnant. She would not go to school very much even when taken there. She and the BF would skip out of school.
Anyway time went by and they got a house. DD worked and BF did not. It also came out that BF took drugs but lead to believe this was a minor situation. They seemed to be coping and running a house.
There was money set aside for various permitted situations such a uni costs etc. It was decided that an amount could be advanced for a purpose but this was to be a loan without interest, this went through a solicitor. For about 2 years this loan was repaid regularly.
There was a split up. Quite quickly another BF was moved into the house. This NBF worked so it was thought that the loan would continue to be repaid. This has not happened. Other events have needed more money to be put forward. These other circumstances have not even had any attempt to repay.
There are many payments not made on the loan since the NBF came on the scene. There are other financial matters that have been reduced since the NBF moved in such as Gym membership, child's extras etc Things being sold on Ebay
When I was informed that no payment was going to be made I didn't get angry or accusing I just said that I was disappointed. There are now quite a number of payments missed and the other monies still not touched for repayment. DD got quite hysterical claiming that the payment failures happened with previous BF, not true as can be seen on bank records. I was not helping her, that I was not supporting her and that I was not a mother. I am a mother I am just not a bank and a bank would have clamped down before this.
Since then I have not been spoken to in any form. Sent 1 text, 1 email which were ignored. She deleted me and my friend from FB. I have not seen DGC since before this. We were very close and perhaps that is an annoyance that time together was enjoyed.
There is a lot of shouting at me and DGC. Someone reported this to SS and I was sent people to speak to me but I refused to take it further as I would be in more trouble. The person who made the report told me that they were legally obliged to report, so very much an official as opposed to a private person. I was quite shocked by what was said. I was considered vulnerable!
I used to babysit at DD's house but since NBF this does not happen. No explanation has been given. I do not know if NBF is controlling DD. Also other people are no longer in DD or DGC lives including DGC's BioF
I was aware that I was being used for money but mostly DD was being fine for repaying. Attempts have been made to obtain other things but never mentioned again when I said I would do it officially
I don't know what to do now. I certainly do not want to be put in a situation where SS are told I am vulnerable. I miss DGC very much and I have heard DGC being unhappy at being left with NBF and not wanting me to leave. I am unhappy at being sidelined financially when the NBF is bought alcohol and other stuff. I suspect that there are drugs involved but not sure. I definitely know much alcohol is being consumed. I really do not know what to do. My major concern is the safety and well being of DD and DGC. While not happy about the money side it does not concern me as much. Naturally there will be no more money coming out.
Please help/advise or give opinion

Shewhomustgowithoutname Wed 19-Apr-17 23:41:32

Sorry that is so long. Wanted to give a clear picture.

twattymctwatterson Thu 20-Apr-17 00:17:41

I'm sorry op but you sound very cold. You had set money aside for uni etc but then it became a loan which went through a lawyer? If you had set the money aside for your DD why would it then become a loan with formal repayments? If your DD has been in two (you indicate) abusive relationships and fell pregnant in her teens, do you think there might have been some issues in her childhood you are glossing over? Why are SS saying you are vulnerable? In what way?

Shewhomustgowithoutname Thu 20-Apr-17 01:14:31

I was not the person who set aside any money. DD herself re-arranged what was offered into a loan and decided how much to repay. When these things are set up with solicitors it usually has terms and conditions which are not under my control. She was lucky in a way that it was changed from Uni costs to provide what was wanted by her at that time. I didn't think a solicitor would do anything apart from follow the instructions to a T. In fact, the money repaid was being recycled to another account in order that she could use the money at some point in the future after showing a responsible attitude.

If you read my post I stated that I am more concerned about DD than the money. I am also concerned about DGC.

DD was a very determined person. She always thought she knew best but she has had doubts about the things that have happened. She would never want to part with her DCs. Several other people had babies at the same time.

The reason I was considered vulnerable was that I made no response to being shouted at in public and I have never responded in kind to any physical attack.

Thank you for your comment. I note that I am "cold". If there was any truth in that statement I would not be concerned about anything. As ever it would seem that "mother can do nothing right" on here. Luckily I am not dependant on that money to feed and clothe younger children

mummytime Thu 20-Apr-17 07:01:46

The ones who concern me most are the GC, they are the innocent ones in this. I do wonder why your DD forms such inappropriate relationships, what happened in her past to give her such low self-esteem etc.

Crumbs1 Thu 20-Apr-17 07:09:56

She sounds like a wilful, ungrateful spoiled teenager. You don't sound cold at all - just desperately wanting contact as a granny.
No advice really. Stop any further money being paid to them. I think it's unlikely you'll get your money back from the loan. It might be the loan, though intended as a generous act, has created tensions in relationships.
Ask for regular contact with your granddaughter and just enjoy your time together. Don't offer opinion on boyfriend. If you truly believe your grandchild is at risk then you should talk to social services - but only if you genuinely think there really is a risk of harm.

twattymctwatterson Thu 20-Apr-17 08:21:40

I did read what you wrote. A lot of the language you use when referring to your DD is very detached- there's almost disdain there. For example "she decided to be pregnant" and making digs about her being jealous of your relationship with DGD. The very act of having a solicitor draw up a loan agreement... you realise that isn't really the norm in a loving parent-child relationship?
The SS thing isn't clear at all. Why would they be interested in an adult shouting at another adult in public? Do you have some kind of SN which would make you more vulnerable? If not surely it's maybe a police matter?
In terms of the money, of course you shouldn't give her any more, however if this was my DD I'd spend less time judging her choices and more time trying to get to the bottom of why she's so clearly unhappy. You sound like you're disappointed with her choices but not particularly bothered about what got her to the point where she's moving from one destructive relationship to the next and leaving herself financially short to buy alcohol for her boyfriend

Bringmesunshite Thu 20-Apr-17 08:29:16

Wow. Reads to me not as cold but as someone trying hard to present facts without muddying the information with emotions. Clearly lots of emotions there. My only advice is to stop any payment. Your dd and gc should by now know that they have a place with you whatever. Contact SS if you fear for her or gc wellbeing and safety.
Good luck.

Ellisandra Thu 20-Apr-17 08:39:45

I think you come across as cold possibly because you seem to be deliberately keeping things vague? The language is very stilted and the tone is hard to catch - I actually am not sure if English is your first language?

You say that it's not about money - but most of your post appears to be about money. It seems to involve a third party any - this recycling of money - is it money she was left in trust by someone else?

I would say forget about the money, but don't lend any more. Then concentrate on your relationship with her - which may mean looking back into her childhood before either boyfriend.

LesisMiserable Thu 20-Apr-17 09:10:22

I dont think you're cold in the slightest.

No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.

Shewhomustgowithoutname Thu 20-Apr-17 14:33:18

I will try to answer everyone.
Mummytime - I am concerned for DGC but I am not at all 100% sure of exactly what is happening. The fact that I am no longer allowed to babysit in the house is of concern because I do not know what it being hidden and the very fact that this has changed. When she was a teenager and pregnant my ExH who has been absent from her life since she was under 1 year old re appeared in our lives. He was not allowed access but by this time she was considered an adult. He is lying and re-arranging history to suit him.
Crumbs - DD has not listened to anyone from any background such as teachers, religious persons, family adults. She seems to think she knows best. One minute she claims to be an adult the next she is demanding money like a toddler demands sweets. I am only one of the trustees of the money, there are 3 others 2 of whom are solicitors one is an older relative. As the money is not mine I feel a greater responsibility and also I have the other trustees saying how it is not good that she did not stick to the agreement. I am totally ignored and have not seen her or DGC for several months.
Twatty - I am not involving emotions on purpose. I am truly heartbroken for DD and by DD. I was not party to her choosing to be pregnant. She had been on the Pill for years due to menstrual problems. The solicitor was not for a loan agreement. The solicitors were involved years ago in the setting up of the finances. The SS became involved because it was in the presence of medical people that all the shouting, ridiculing and threatening took place. Bruises were seen at another appointment due to a medical examination taking place. SN I believe is a phrased used to describe Learning Difficulties. I do not have Learning Difficulties at all. I have medical and physical problems which cause me to be examined fairly frequently. I have illnesses which can not be cured but my brain and intelligence are just fine. I have tried to talk to DD and find out why she is being like this. I am often told she is an adult and can do what she likes.
Bringme - I am not a cold person. I am very worried. I have tried to present the facts as just that. I am scared to be emotional as the dam would completely burst open. I cry often over my DD. I am terrified of dying before DD sees a better way of life. Unfortunately she will always attract bad partners as she constantly brags about money. This is not good for her or me.
Ellisandra - I am trying to keep this vague so as not to be recognised. I am not an English speaker first. This money was set up long before she left school to help her future. I thought she was doing well and proving her money management skills when repaying the money which would go well for her should she need other money help at a future date. I think she has let herself and her future down. I will make no financial decisions as regards her trust money. As above her father came back into her life after she was an adult. There were reasons I divorced him and the court refused access.
Lesis - I hope not to be thought cold. I really am not. I am confused by your sentence "No good deed goes unpunished" Does this mean I tried to help but I did not. I am not sure.
As regards being cold I do not think that I am cold. I have come through the deaths of many people and my own poor health. I have never once had an encouraging word from DD or a hand on my shoulder in re-assurance. She shouts and criticises me. She does not want my conversation just money. I am so pent up with emotion that I may burst. Mostly I am so sorry that my DD is having such struggles. Absolutely I would do all that I could if she was to change her life and get away from the unsuitable partners.
The upset and worry of all this is not helping my health and the more ill I feel the more I worry for the future of DD and DGC after I am gone.

randomuntrainedcuntowner Thu 20-Apr-17 14:46:00

My brother led a chaotic lifestyle. He died last year. My mum endured 15 years of abuse and chaos. In the end she said she had to shut down emotionally. It was the only way she could survive watching her son destroy his life. Of course she bitterly regrets it now, but it was not her fault. If she had allowed herself to feel her emotions fully, she would have caved. I was the same. It is hard to feel continued compassion for someone you feel you would do anything for but they show you such contempt. You don't sound cold to me. You sound desperate and numb.

Shewhomustgowithoutname Thu 20-Apr-17 15:40:46

Random - your story of your mum and brother feels close to how I feel. I can do nothing right no matter how hard I try. Your mum will feel regret and I am worried similarly. I was a dutiful daughter to my now dead parents but still wonder could I have done more or better. I feel I have to preserve myself in the hope that DD will realise there is a better life for her and DGC if she changes. I do feel a bit numb.
I am so sorry to hear that you and your mum have gone through such a bad experience. You may feel regret but your brother presumably was an adult making choices. He did not consider others in his choices.

randomuntrainedcuntowner Thu 20-Apr-17 15:43:52

I also feel bad that your dd is not allowing you to see you dgd. My brother had no children but I have a dd and my mum dotes on her. I could never stop her seeing her, it would literally break her heart.

Shewhomustgowithoutname Thu 20-Apr-17 15:50:19

I think I only get to see DGC when I am complying with the demand. I am so sad without. Also wonder what effect this is having on DGC as being young they will perhaps have less understanding.

MrsTwix Thu 20-Apr-17 16:58:20

You don't sound cold to me, you sound so worried that it's hard to write about.

I think maybe you should have been more cooperative with social services, although I understand this may have been difficult to do.

I'm not sure what advice to give now as it sounds like it is out of your hands, all you can do is send her a friendly message saying you would be there for her if she needs you, you miss her and the child and you hope things are well, then hopefully she will turn to you to pick up the pieces in future.

Shewhomustgowithoutname Thu 20-Apr-17 17:33:18

Mrs Twix - thank you. To me this is all very horrific. I did not want to co-operate with SS in case they went further and took DGC. Yet I do wonder if I have failed DGC. I do not know how to strongly advise a person who is an adult. I would love to pick DD up and walk her away from all this. Right now I think she would leave and get right back into the situation. I can not make her a prisoner in my house.

Bringmesunshite Thu 20-Apr-17 17:41:29

Op, I'm sorry if you misunderstood my post. I was trying to say that you are clearly NOT a cold person.
This is so difficult for you. Your dgc and dd have you in their lives and this is a wonderful thing. The road is bumpy now and I am very sorry.

Shewhomustgowithoutname Thu 20-Apr-17 17:53:00

Bringme - thank you. It is very hard probably on us all DD DGC and me. I am trying to re assure people that I am not cold. Perhaps stunned is a good description of me.

JK1773 Thu 20-Apr-17 19:04:49

It sounds to me like NBF may indeed be controlling things from behind the scenes. I have a dear friend going through exactly the same and not able to see her DGC. In her situation it is the BF controlling everything. I do feel for you, it might have to be a waiting game I'm afraid. I would try to make contact to enquire after DGC every now and then so she knows you are there for her. How horrible for you flowers

Shewhomustgowithoutname Thu 20-Apr-17 19:12:27

Thank you JK. It is helpful to know that such things are real. Very unpleasant situation. It is so difficult when DD wont talk or face what people are seeing. Even ExH has said to me he feels unwelcomed.

JK1773 Fri 21-Apr-17 09:25:50

Your DD is in all likelihood being brainwashed and systematically isolated from her independent support (i.e. you and her DF). If it this she will be defensive about it and lash out, protecting her 'family unit'. Does she have friends who can support her? I fear until she starts to understand what is happening this won't resolve. I wouldn't pressure her, as I said above enquire after DGC regularly, keep inviting her and her DP to family occasions, she may not come but by not inviting her you would be isolating her further making it harder for her to reach out in the future. You could ask her to spend some time with DGC, she doesn't have to be there. Maybe see if you could calmly set up some regular access. flowers

JK1773 Fri 21-Apr-17 09:27:26

Oh and don't confront her about DP either, no trying to persuade her he's no good. She'll dig her heels in more if you do that

Shewhomustgowithoutname Fri 21-Apr-17 19:17:06

JK - I think I have done all the things you said I should not. I am totally against men sponging from women.
DD was still in contact with many school mates but now they are no longer contacting her, inviting her to things. This also means that the DGC does not see the other children who were born around the same time to other former pupils.
Local friends are no longer in contact either. I tried to make myself available so that one could speak to me but did not approach them. The young lady ignored me. Again the local mothers have children that DGC no longer sees.
The BioF is not available either for the child.
I have spoken with Womens' Aid but they say she has to chose to leave. I am not sure where else I can contact to get assistance to have her see what is happening.
Now that there are very few people around DD I expect that NBF is exerting all forms of control.
It is very distressing to be having a DD who is in bad relationship. It must be even worse for DD and DGC.
I really do not know what to do.
I thank all the ladies who have written to me.

junebirthdaygirl Fri 21-Apr-17 22:03:02

Just keep i touch telling her you love her and you miss her. She will know you are there. Offer love practical support with dc but no money. She is young . She may mature. Meantime try and take care more of yourself.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: