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I'm a widower who is disturbed by my love for male best friend

(8 Posts)
user1492613816 Wed 19-Apr-17 16:00:11

Really confused by my love for my male best friend.

I'm a heterosexual widow. I've always fancied women, never ever ever been interested in man. Never been sexually attracted to a man.

I have one child with my wife who has sadly died.

I've been single 6 years now. I've dated a few women in that time. One thing that's been a real positive for me is a friendship I've developed with a man I met playing badminton.

He's become my closest friend and we are friend soul mates in the sense that we just have so much in common and are completely at ease with each other and understand each other.

After 6 months of friendship my friend told me he was gay. He's only 20 so he told me he'd only realised it himself. I said that's fine and I've even accompanied him to a few nights out in gay bars. I'm 26.

Last week he said he was tired and went to sleep on my sofa. I have absolutely no idea what happened but he just looked so cute and peaceful sleeping. Looking at him gave me butterflies in my stomach and an overwhelming rush of love that o simply cannot describe. For a second a flash of daydream came to me where I imagined having sex with him.

Then I completely stopped myself in my tracks.

I strongly suspect he has some feelings for me and has previously said I'm handsome (but he sees this as purely innocent as he knows I'm as straight as a ruler). He will have a boyfriend soon I'm sure as he's started to visit gay bars and be involved in the gay community.

I'm feeling extremely disturbed by my thoughts really. I almost don't want to be around him anymore incase they develop into something else. Im heterosexual. I'm not in love with him. I just don't know what I experienced. There's a woman I like at the moment but she's not interested so maybe it's just my rejection and loneliness getting the better of me.

But I just don't know. I feel really disturbed.

category12 Wed 19-Apr-17 16:15:04

It might be that your closeness with your friend has only ever been previously replicated in a sexual relationship, so that's why your mind went there.

Or you might be bisexual and finding that out now.

There's nothing wrong with not being entirely straight.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 19-Apr-17 16:23:53

Perhaps you're bisexual or gay, maybe you're not. I think you should take it easy on yourself and just let time pass with no worrying about it either way. Regardless of your sexuality you're still the same lovely person. I hope you don't cast off your friend as good friends are hard to find.

chocogirl25 Wed 19-Apr-17 16:28:13


You've said yourself, he is your best friend. You don't avoid your friend because wires are getting crossed. Take sometime to just process it. Admit to yourself that you had these feelings but you don't have to act on every feeling you have.

It could be that you are feeling this way because you are so close, and you are developing feelings but just as quick as they come, they'll leave too.

Also, you're only 26. You say you're heterosexual; but you could be more. Or thse feelings could be real.

I don't know, only you know yourself so the only comfort I can offer is, "This has happened to me too."

I fall for my friends all the time. Some people are like that, but it doesn't mean I date my friends or follow through, I just take it as a reassurance that I feel safe and loved by said friends when the emotions develop, but they always wane after a few weeks too.

bran Wed 19-Apr-17 16:32:14

I would say that you shouldn't give up a good friend because of a momentary feeling of lust. Perhaps it was a one time thing and you don't really fancy him, or perhaps it will develop into deeper feelings but getting scared and cutting him out of your life will just make you lonely.

I sometimes fancy someone in a particular moment, but not otherwise IYSWIM. They do or say something that makes me think they are incredibly hot, but then it doesn't happen again and they go back to being a non-fanciable friend. Perhaps there was something about him being asleep and the way he looked that triggered a reaction in you, and you might never have that reaction again because you will normally see him awake.

debbs77 Wed 19-Apr-17 16:34:35

No advice but I just want to say you sound lovely. And sorry for your loss xx

springydaffs Wed 19-Apr-17 18:40:57

Although it's important to 'own or own stuff' imo it's not always just us iyswim...

People give off vibes which we pick up, especially if we're close. And you sound VERY close. I can't help wondering if 'sleeping on your sofa' was the innocent thing he proclaimed....

While it's always important we take responsibility for our own stuff, we sometimes have to factor in others agendas. People can be quite seductive, not necessarily in a malicious or calculated way. I doubt very much he hasn't considered you as a potential partner.

All VERY close, 'soul mate' relationships will contain an erotic element imo, regardless of the sex or orientation of each.

thelikelylass Wed 19-Apr-17 21:28:30

You both sound lovely, why is it not a possibility that you could be happy together? It's been a tough time for you, the only thing I would say is that he is young and may not be ready for being dad to your child.

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