Argument with DF over visit

[Dashper]

I've just had an argument with my father and I'm looking for some perspective.

I live 6 hours away from him. A few months ago, I suggested DH, DS and I visit for the Easter weekend. He asked if we could come a few days after Good Friday as his DPs family were visiting until then and they'd need a rest in between (DPs family are lovely but DF and his DP find them hard work). I explained that we couldn't as I've recently started back at work and have no holiday outside my part time hours. Said I'd think about when we could next fit in a long weekend and we left it.

I then found out that DSis visited with her DP and DS. They were there for 2 days and helped with the post-DPs family visit clean up.

On Monday Father wished me happy Easter by email (we don't phone much) and said maybe next time we'd arrange our Easter visit earlier. So I asked him why DSis got to visit when we had respected his wishes for a rest.

Father has kicked off. Calling me childish and horrid, wondering what has got into me and accusing me stropping, using the cliched 'after all I've done for you', saying it was me who refused to visit.

I replied stating the facts as I see them and that I was hurt. Also expressed my surprise at his response.

He has yet to reply but I don't know where to go from here. We generally have a good relationship, though not one to talk about feelings. I've always been respectful and I don't really tease or question him.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I reckon he's feeling guilty now and deflecting.
Give him some time.
See if he contacts you again soon.
If not then I'm not sure what you do next?

[scottishdiem]

Could DSis have got in first with the Easter visit and he didnt want to look like he was telling you not to visit as something else was already arranged?

Is DSis more likely to ignore such statements of being tired and just turn up anyway?

Of course, asking why one person got to visit and not another can be taken the wrong way. When that happens to me I just note it and say something like "hope you had fun with X staying". The question is there without any hint of accusation.

[troodiedoo]

I don't have siblings so no expert, but your sister visiting him is not your concern, so try not to let it get to you. Irritating but not worth bothering about. There will be so many variables that change the dynamics of her relationship with him compared to yours, but he is on the defensive now so it'll be hard to resolve calmly.

[Dashper]

Thank you for your replies.

DSis is his favourite and I feel she might have pushed to visit. My querying him was prompted by that plus him saying me not asking early enough was the reason I didn't visit. But I know DSis asked around the same time.

I'm not sure I could have booked early enough this year-his DP had a big birthday and her family can only come in school holidays.

I expected a "don't be an idiot, it wasn't like that" sort of response. It's the sheer vitriol in his reply that's got to me.

Hopefully he'll calm down.

[Hissy]

You've called him out... challenged him and busted him and his favouritism.

Try not to expect anything more than what has already gone before.

[Siwdmae]

What does your dsis say?

[anxiousnow]

The tone of his reply is his defensiveness as he knows and probably feels guilty. Yes it was wrong for him to come out fighting but personally I would let it go. The way he reacted shows he is already aware. Otherwise it could just go on and on. It may well have been Dsis being less aware of their rest needs.

[Dashper]

I mentioned to DSis that it was odd he let her come not me and she said they weren't there for long anyway. I've not mentioned the emails as she wouldn't necessarily support me and could say something to Dad to make it worse.

I shall let it go-won't mention it if he doesn't. I'm just hoping that he calms down now because I'm not going to apologise. Whether or not I should have questioned him initially, he said some very hurtful things.

[Dashper]

He's back from holiday and has emailed to say he is still upset with me.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a 72 year old who's behaving like a cross between a toddle and a teenager?

[Dashper]

*toddler.

[xStefx]

I wouldn't back down as I don't see you have done anything wrong.

I would reply, " well, that makes two of us. You dramatized a question that just needed an answer dad and your still causing a scene now"
its not you OP

[QuiteLikely5]

Absolutely shocking behaviour!

Do not back down or doubt yourself, you were well within your rights to call him out - his response now is designed to shut you up from ever doing it again!

[Semaphorically]

I'd stick to non-confrontational language. "I see", "I'm sorry you feel that way", "Why don’t we talk about this when you’re not so upset" etc.

It sounds like an over-reaction on his part. Is there anything else going on in his life that could have caused him to be unreasonable?

[Dashper]

Thank you. DH is at work, so I can't talk to him.

He says I've accused him of partiality (true) which is my own perception (not true IMHO). He says he's hurt. There's no apology for how rude he was, so I've said he's hurt me too.

The irony is that he experienced HUGE favouritism from both is parents in favour of his older twin brother. So it is a sensitive topic for him.

[ofudginghell]

Hi op.
Awkward situation there.
I have to tread carefully with how I say things to my parents that are a similar age group.
My fil has also got more toddlerish in behaviour with age.

The defensive manner to which your on the receiving end of is probably because you called him out on something to which he knew wasn't very fair sounding.
I have a mother that regularly favourites my sister but when I call her out on it shel get defensive and rude and turn it around so that I've really upset her after all she does etc etc etc.

My way of dealing with it is to say well I'm sorry if you feel that way however this is how it happened,state the facts and then leave it at that.
I'd also say you don't appreciate the nasty manner that he came at you with or his tone.

Let the air clear and see what happens.
I do agree though they do get odd with age

[Dashper]

They certainly do ofudginghell. I'll try to do that. He's always been a bit like this. He talks about people in our family not being the best socially. He's getting more like his DF was to him though.

Unless he's got a health problem he didn't tell DSis about, there shouldn't be anything worrying him. Unless the snorkelling in the Red Sea this past week wasn't up to scratch

[Aussiebean]

If the original conversation was done by email send it to him.

[Dashper]

It's all on one thread Aussiebean. He could easily scroll back to see.

[Catsick36]

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick but he asked if you could go after his partners family left and you said you couldn't make it because of work.
How is he being unreasonable by having yr sister there when you'd already said you couldn't​ go?

[Dashper]

Because he said they didn't want anyone there so they could have a rest for a few days and tidy up. His DPs family is large, loud and chaotic. Much as they love them (and they really are lovely, warm people), DF and his DP always moan about the mess and noise they create.

[Dashper]

So it was him saying neither of us could go over the Easter weekend, yet he magically found the tolerance for DSis to be there.

[Catsick36]

You couldn't go because of work though? Sorry I am not being deliberately dense, maybe he was bulldozed by yr sister into allowing her visit.

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

I think I would try and limit contact and visits to avoid being exposed to his behaviour.

He clearly knows he plays favourites between you and your sister, and wants you to apologise so he can continue to do so.

I can't see how being treated like that is anything other than very hurtful, and you can either go NC, which sounds like it wouldn't suit as you would lose contact with your sister and df's dp's family, or try to minimise the occasions where he has an opportunity to make differences between you.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds really hurtful and unfair.

[yippeedoodar]

why dont you just tell him you will be over next long bank holiday weekend and put it down to experience. That age group can be tricky. Even if he is in the wrong be the bigger person and let him have his moment. Forget it.

[SandyY2K]

cat

You're not understanding this. The OP wanted to visit at a certain time over Easter. Her dad said they needed a few days break as his partners family would just have left.

He offered another time (after Good Friday), but the OP couldn't make it.

She later found out that her sister and family visited at the time she originally requested to go.

I would also be upset in your position

He became rude because he didn't have a good answer to your valid point.

I'm a pretty stubborn person and if I feel treated unfairly, I take it quite hard. I would ignore him, until I receive an apology. Unless I thought he was confused with old age, then I'd just say to forget it and I'd keep my distance after that.

I abhor parents who have a favourite child. It's so very damaging and I've seen how it causes lack of confidence in later life.