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Argument with DF over visit

(9 Posts)
Dashper Wed 19-Apr-17 07:59:00

I've just had an argument with my father and I'm looking for some perspective.

I live 6 hours away from him. A few months ago, I suggested DH, DS and I visit for the Easter weekend. He asked if we could come a few days after Good Friday as his DPs family were visiting until then and they'd need a rest in between (DPs family are lovely but DF and his DP find them hard work). I explained that we couldn't as I've recently started back at work and have no holiday outside my part time hours. Said I'd think about when we could next fit in a long weekend and we left it.

I then found out that DSis visited with her DP and DS. They were there for 2 days and helped with the post-DPs family visit clean up.

On Monday Father wished me happy Easter by email (we don't phone much) and said maybe next time we'd arrange our Easter visit earlier. So I asked him why DSis got to visit when we had respected his wishes for a rest.

Father has kicked off. Calling me childish and horrid, wondering what has got into me and accusing me stropping, using the cliched 'after all I've done for you', saying it was me who refused to visit.

I replied stating the facts as I see them and that I was hurt. Also expressed my surprise at his response.

He has yet to reply but I don't know where to go from here. We generally have a good relationship, though not one to talk about feelings. I've always been respectful and I don't really tease or question him.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 19-Apr-17 08:42:06

I reckon he's feeling guilty now and deflecting.
Give him some time.
See if he contacts you again soon.
If not then I'm not sure what you do next?

scottishdiem Wed 19-Apr-17 12:58:22

Could DSis have got in first with the Easter visit and he didnt want to look like he was telling you not to visit as something else was already arranged?

Is DSis more likely to ignore such statements of being tired and just turn up anyway?

Of course, asking why one person got to visit and not another can be taken the wrong way. When that happens to me I just note it and say something like "hope you had fun with X staying". The question is there without any hint of accusation.

troodiedoo Wed 19-Apr-17 13:05:03

I don't have siblings so no expert, but your sister visiting him is not your concern, so try not to let it get to you. Irritating but not worth bothering about. There will be so many variables that change the dynamics of her relationship with him compared to yours, but he is on the defensive now so it'll be hard to resolve calmly.

Dashper Wed 19-Apr-17 13:24:27

Thank you for your replies.

DSis is his favourite and I feel she might have pushed to visit. My querying him was prompted by that plus him saying me not asking early enough was the reason I didn't visit. But I know DSis asked around the same time.

I'm not sure I could have booked early enough this year-his DP had a big birthday and her family can only come in school holidays.

I expected a "don't be an idiot, it wasn't like that" sort of response. It's the sheer vitriol in his reply that's got to me.

Hopefully he'll calm down.

Hissy Wed 19-Apr-17 20:52:46

You've called him out... challenged him and busted him and his favouritism.

Try not to expect anything more than what has already gone before.

Siwdmae Wed 19-Apr-17 21:59:09

What does your dsis say?

anxiousnow Wed 19-Apr-17 22:05:48

The tone of his reply is his defensiveness as he knows and probably feels guilty. Yes it was wrong for him to come out fighting but personally I would let it go. The way he reacted shows he is already aware. Otherwise it could just go on and on. It may well have been Dsis being less aware of their rest needs.

Dashper Wed 19-Apr-17 22:28:32

I mentioned to DSis that it was odd he let her come not me and she said they weren't there for long anyway. I've not mentioned the emails as she wouldn't necessarily support me and could say something to Dad to make it worse.

I shall let it go-won't mention it if he doesn't. I'm just hoping that he calms down now because I'm not going to apologise. Whether or not I should have questioned him initially, he said some very hurtful things.

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