Abuse Question

[somebodydifferent]

I am ashamed to say. I've been verbally abusive to my wife before There is such a long story behind it but let's just say I've sought help. A lot of it was insecurity that I didn't know I had. Anyway I would like to say that people can change. I know it's not productive with a lot of things posted on here but people can change but ONLY if they want to the trick is to set your own boundaries as to when that should be. You need to have healthy boundaries first though. So google healthy boundaries.

[KinkyAfro]

And how long has it been since you verbally abused your wife?

[PurpleDaisies]

Thank you for that amazing tip.

Who is supposed to be googling healthy boundaries? The abuser or the one they abuse?

[Gallavich]

Wow! Healthy boundaries! What an amazing insight!
Forgive us if we don't jump at advice given by an abusive man. Take your mansplaining elsewhere sir.

[GolderAndWiser]

Geez.

Verbal abuse is an abuse not on your intelligence or on your knowledge, it is an abuse on your self-esteem.

Poor boundaries are a symptom of a damaged self esteem.

[mineofuselessinformation]

Good for you.

[SantanicoPandemonium]

Or how about you stop victim blaming, and realise being abusive isn't about someone's lack of boundaries - it's about abusers being pathetic cunts.

[GolderAndWiser]

Good question purpledaisies

[Valentine2]

[SparklyMagpie]

Fuck sake

[somebodydifferent]

I never expected good or bad responses. I'm just curious as to what people will say. I know who I am and what I've done. There is no victim blaming here.

There is only reflection on what I've done and how I can correct that. Nobody else is to blame.

I am so saddened to hear what people have gone through here on this board and the more I read the more I also think that we all need to look at ourselves and the choices we make. Why do I pick these people, why do I let these people abuse me. I am also a receiver of very subtle emotional abuse and it was only when I looked at what I was doing could I see what others were doing to me too.

[GolderAndWiser]

You came here to learn clearly as there is so much you don't know. You have a tiny bit of self-awareness now and yet your post came across like you were in the position to teach us something.

It is possible to repair one's self-esteem and erect boundaries and walk away from men who don't obviously respect you and also value you, but that is usually a fairly significant journey.

What would be interesting to me would be if you told us why you did it ? I always imagined that telling me I was a crap hairy midget was like a coping mechanism for my x. He would verbally abuse me for 30 minutes or so (although sometimes his rants went on for hours) and then he would feel better. After seeing that he had the POWER to make somebody who had been feeling good previously feel distraught, then he felt better.

[Gallavich]

If you came to learn then shut the fuck up and read. You have nothing to teach women on here and it's disgusting that you think you do.
We know abusive men and we know how they work already.

[nachogazpacho]

I believe you still chose to use that particular abuse tactic and knew it was wrong when you did it. You own your behaviour. All abusers are dysfunctional. But that does not give them an excuse to purposefully harm others. It's part of the reason but it's not the whole explanation of why you were abusive.

Basically abuse is a tactic of control. You abuse someone so you can use them. You abused your ex so you could control her. If your therapy has convinced you that you Don't need to control people anymore then that's great. But if it's convinced you that you didn't choose that behaviour then it hasn't worked and you are still blaming other factors for your behaviour

[nachogazpacho]

I also think it is random whether you end up with an abuser or not. Yes they test you early on but that is just testing which abuse tactic they will need to employ to control you. You only realise this with hindsight because you want to believe that other people are functioning normally. I'm teaching my dc that if someone shouts or swears at you then they have lost control and they are at fault. Every time no matter what. If someone calls you names or makes you feel upset that is also their fault. I am also teaching them the reverse.. If they do that to someone else they have to own it. Also, if they feel a relationship is hard work then they need to give that a rest and move on. Lots of their playground interactions are good teaching points about dysfunctional behaviour and how to deal with it.

[qualityjaisket]

Well woop-de-fucking-woo. I don't need to google healthy boundaries because I am not an abuser. HTH.

[Wondermoomin]

"...we all need to look at ourselves and the choices we make. Why do I pick these people, why do I let these people abuse me.^*"
*^
No victim blaming you say...?

Anyway... thank goodness a man has come along to explain the dynamics of an abusive relationship to all us women.

I can only imagine the anguish and existential crisis you're going through, OP.