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Not brave enough for aibu

(22 Posts)
Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Tue 18-Apr-17 19:58:14

This is long, I am sorry

I am finally free of my controlling ex.
It has been a long time coming and although I feel broken most days, I'm managing to hide it and pretend everything's ok for those around me.

Here's the problem,

My friend (we have been friends since primary so 20+ years) is in a relationship with one of exes friends.

I have today text her the following -
I am fully aware how crazy this will sound, but, I am very anxious over "ex" and his new gf asking you and your bf to go out and do something coupley. I know I have no right to ask this, but could you maybe not meet up with them for a couple of months in this way? I am so sorry to ask this of you and know this will happen eventually.

2 things unfolded from this,

1st she told me I was overstepping boundaries but she understood why, and that she didn't see this happening at all if not for a long time. (I found this response perfectly reasonable)

2nd I text her after this to explain why I was so anxious and to tell her that I know how manipulative he is first hand, that I have many texts to show this but I find it hard to show her because I still feel like I'd be betraying him.

She didn't reply to my text, I'm not upset that she doesn't want to cowtail to me and refuse to meet up with him, in fact, I respect it. I am upset that lately, when I bring him up, she will blatantly ignore me. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I rarely bring him up, it's extremely hurtful to me that while she will happily sit and talk for hours about her bf, she brushes off my attempts to define my relationship with my ex as abusive and painful. She won't listen to me when I need to talk about him (again this is rare).

So, do I text her and say this? Or should I leave it for tonight based on the first text I sent?

I was thinking, something along the lines of "I've notice lately you don't seem to want to talk about "ex" when I bring it up, I'm finding this hurtful and confusing and feel like I need to talk about this sometimes, is there something you need to say?" Or is that unreasonable?

noego Tue 18-Apr-17 20:02:33

if you do you could be seen to be the controlling one. You cannot dictate what other people do or think.

ElspethFlashman Tue 18-Apr-17 20:06:24

I suspect you are talking about your ex more than you admit.

jeaux90 Tue 18-Apr-17 20:07:56

Maybe she doesn't know how to respond to your discussions about your ex as she has never experienced it.

Maybe she is just a shit friend.

I was with a narc and went for therapy after and only talk with a couple of close people about it because not everyone can relate or empathise.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Tue 18-Apr-17 20:08:36

I would just find a different friend to confide in.

Maybe she will be friends with him. If so, this will come out in time. It will probably affect your friendship, but what can you do? Some people don't understand controlling relationships. It is hard to if you've not experienced one.

Congratulations on your freedom, btw. I hope it feels good soon. flowers

arbrighton Tue 18-Apr-17 20:09:01

It's also very hard to respond appropriately over text/ interpret context or sarcasm

Maybe talk about it face to face

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Tue 18-Apr-17 20:10:41

Thank you all, the consensus seems to be to leave it, so leave it I will.

Elspeth, I can assure you I'm not because it is too painful for me.

CassandraAusten Tue 18-Apr-17 20:11:12

I'd leave it tbh. You've texted her twice about him already tonight. Can you sit down with a good book or TV programme and try to stop giving him any head space?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Tue 18-Apr-17 20:12:29

I know when I left my controlling H, I wanted everybody to understand. Everybody important to me, anyway. But I actually talked about what the relationship has been like to almost nobody. People know it was a bad relationship only because they've seen (and told me) how much happier I looked almost as soon as I left.

You have to let people figure things out for themselves. If they don't offer support, don't fight them for it!

BarneyRumbleton Tue 18-Apr-17 20:17:30

I have been in exactly this situation. I spoke to different friends. it did affect my friendship with my friend a bit for a while. But that was a good few years ago and it's come right again.
I've also been in your friend's position and it's a really tricky place to be.
I'd just ask her if you could meet up you and her and try not to be too all about the boys when you do. If you need to vent about your ex, which you probably do, she is probably not the best person for now. It'll make you both uncomfortable.

holidaychocs Tue 18-Apr-17 20:18:56

I think you need to protect yourself.

I would find it really weird that your friend and her new man are meeting up in foursomes with your ex. If I was your friend this is something I would not do. Say hello in passing in the pub but nothing more intimate.

Maybe you do talk about ex too much and she is seeing ( obviously ) a different side to him so doesn't get it.

Ultimately I would stop confiding and stop giving her any info that can be passed on to ex and used. It sounds paranoid but you must protect yourself.

You have done so well and will continue to do so without your ex in your life or your friend. You are strong not them. X

NurseButtercup Tue 18-Apr-17 20:20:04

When I left a controlling ex-bf a friend that I confided in, asked me "why was you with him? Was you so desperate to be in a relationship that you let him into your life?" I was more hurt by her comments and lack of support. She's still a friend but I don't confide in her anymore.

Sometimes you just have to know when to start sharing.

Take care xx

pictish Tue 18-Apr-17 20:21:33

I don't know if this is about her being a bad friend in any way...maybe just not the friend to confide in about your ex. She's in a difficult position really...and remember he will have told her dp his version of events as well. She probably feels like a rabbit in the headlights tbh.

ClemDanfango Tue 18-Apr-17 20:21:41

I don't think she's the right friend for you, I couldn't be friends with the abusive ex of my friend because it would feel like a betrayal to her and because, what normal person wants to be friends with someone so evil and who has hurt your own friend so badly?
I suspect she doesn't want to engage in conversation about him because she doesn't want to confront or face the truth about him, this allows her to excuse her self of any guilt around being friends with him.
Possibly she quite likes his new girlfriend and so she wants to stay friends with her and so doesn't want to admit the truth about your ex in order to facilitate that friendship.
Either way I think you should cut your losses, she obviously feels she can't put your friendship first so she's not the friend you think she is.

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Tue 18-Apr-17 20:29:45

She is a good friend and she does like the new gf, I like the new gf (similar social circles) my ex is the problem.

I didn't realise how much of a minefield escaping a relationship like this can become. I do want everyone to know what he's like, but I don't want to become the woman who always talks about her ex and I also am scared people won't believe me. He's very charming when he wants to be.

Maybe I do need to take a step back from my friendship in this way, and get over my fear that he'll poison her against me.

MadMags Tue 18-Apr-17 20:29:55

She probably feels a bit awkward.

You asked her not to spend time with your ex, she said she understood.

Then you tried to get her more involved by telling her he's manipulative and you have the texts to prove it!

And now you want to tell her that she doesn't let you talk about hon enough.

She might have decided to step back a bit.

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Tue 18-Apr-17 20:37:06

I can completely see where you're coming from this, my second text doesn't seem to have been wise.
I wish I could figure out the right way to talk to people about this.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Tue 18-Apr-17 20:39:01

It doesn't really matter if people believe you or not. People don't really care why the relationship broke down. They'll be happy for you if you're happy to have finished with him. All they need to know is that the relationship wasn't working for you. Just tell people that.

Nobody will think badly of you for that. Anything more is none of their business.

It's galling that some people still think he's great, but inevitable, unfortunately. If you can arrange your life so that he is as small a part of it as possible, then it is easier to shrug this off.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Tue 18-Apr-17 20:43:15

Maybe offload on here and have the topic as off limits irl?

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Tue 18-Apr-17 20:52:19

I think I've offloaded on here enough, I really am anxious not to talk about it too much. I don't fully understand how or what happened either, I wish it was fully in the past for me.

It is galling, but I didn't see it either, until recently I thought he was amazing. I want to be ok again and I want to be happy again. I am happy without him, but I'm not happy at the same time.

HappyJanuary Tue 18-Apr-17 20:54:40

She has heard your ex's version of events via her bf and doesn't know what to think or how to stay neutral. She's already said she doesn't expect to socialise with him, so I think you need to leave it now.

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Tue 18-Apr-17 21:41:58

I agree, I think it's important I leave it now. It's better for me to walk away and learn how to be happy again rather than try and show her the truth.

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