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Trying to believe I'm ok

(21 Posts)
midnightsnacking Tue 18-Apr-17 17:57:18

I posted a few months ago about my husband leaving. Completely out of the blue he told me he didn't love me. 2 days later I found sexts to his younger employer. 2 weeks later he took her on holiday. And that was it. After 27 years together I was toast.
So I've worked hard to come to terms with this. I'm moving. Moving on. Painting s brave face for kids and friends. But. I feel so rubbish inside. So rubbish. Not good enough to be talked to. The only conversation we had was I didn't want the marriage. We're over. Deal with it.
Well I am mostly. But inside I feel rubbish. Friends family are wonderful. But when will I ever feel ok? Please tell me I will ,

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 18-Apr-17 18:37:36

What a terrible thing to happen op, I'm so sorry.

You will of course feel better. This bit is so shit isn't it, but before you know it things will settle down.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 18-Apr-17 18:42:06

The fact that he spelt it out - tho so bloody cruel - means you aren't in limbo- making it easier to move on imo. .
Give yourself time to grieve then choose a date that will be the start of your new life.
I cried for 3 weeks solid when i told exh to move out. . Then the cloud lifted. .
And life started to get good. .

midnightsnacking Tue 18-Apr-17 18:49:13

Thank you. I loved him and our life. I feel bloody stupid though. I'm ready to move on but there's a place in me that says I'm just worthless. Doing all the right things, counselling, antidepressants. I used to be happy.

TooComplicated Tue 18-Apr-17 18:50:05

I wanted to say I'm in a similar boat to you but at an earlier stage. So although I can't answer your question, know that you're not alone. I'm going to lurk here for a while to read the advice you get. flowers

midnightsnacking Tue 18-Apr-17 18:59:11

I'm trying so hard. Working, going out, even laughing. But it's all fake. Fake it till you make it I suppose.
He wasn't nice or kind or gentle. Don't know why I care

Bubblebath01 Tue 18-Apr-17 19:11:09

Exactly the same (27+ yrs), life improving. Counselling done, antidepressants finished, university level course completed, career restarted, kids doing ok. My kids and friends respect me, which amounts to a huge deal, even members of his family.

I'm nearly 22 months on, don't beat yourself up for not being able to move on happily yet. Small things will suddenly dawn on you that he is the loser. In my case his children have lost all respect for him, and feel safe and secure with me. They are prospering and developing as decent humans. I have a career I love, and I am slowly planning for the future. He regards his job as just that, a job, no satisfaction. I no longer have to deal with his financial control (bullying), and I no longer have to deal with his hording (collecting and storing absolute crap). I have no pension, I have half a house in equity (unmarried, although together since very young, and 2 children). But, I have my self respect.

And there is karma, and there will be for you. PM if you want, it will take time Hun, I thought everything would be sorted immediately.... But, you will get through it. Xxxx

midnightsnacking Tue 18-Apr-17 19:32:27

Thank you bubble bath! Our experiences sound very similar. My kids think he's an embarrassment. But that makes me sad for them. They lived our perfect family. Except it wasn't. I was holding it all together, trying to keep everyone happy. I do feel a great relief, not having an angry miserable bugger sucking all the fun out of life.
I think I'm low because his girlfriend has digs. Facebook crap, leaving makeup in my car. I don't know how people can stoop so low.

Bones2017 Tue 18-Apr-17 19:46:03

I'm nearly 5 months post D-day. And hopeful. The last 2 days I've felt nothing. Almost numb. And completely exhausted. Wondering almost why I fought with myself in my head so much.
My kids are younger (7&3) and have been my rocks. After 20 years together I've lived in devastation for 5 months but now I feel 'different' - not better, just different. Lost maybe but hopeful. And very very tired.

My H is being difficult with the divorce despite evidence of his secret 'friendship' with a female Colleague for 6 months pre splitting with me saying he was unhappy and wanted space. Classic script. Now he's claiming depression (I think he may have been dumped). Oh well. He now stinks like a stale pub. Sits in his parents box room every night drinking on his computer. Hmm...

My house is a happier one. I manage my money better. My kids respect me so much more and we've become such a tight unit. I honestly feel liberated. But scared and worried about going it alone too. Many different emotions. And I'm taking it day by day. I don't love him anymore either. I think I mourn the plans we had for our future more than anything. I did love him. But he's hurt me so cruelly it's now gone.

We'll all get there. We have to. And we've already proven our strength. Xx

Bubblebath01 Tue 18-Apr-17 20:23:59

Hard as it is, ignore it. She is responding so, because she knows he is already regretting his decision. She wants you to react, so his decision is validified. Karma will happen.

My ex (after a year of non contact) opened up that his life had been awful since he left. The 21 yr old barmaid, (soon to be be divorcee) turned out to be a sociopathic, dysfunctional and attention seeking person with serious mental health issues. No comment really, but what was it that attracted her to a 52 yr old, well off executive driving a £40k car, earning more in a year than her husband would in a decade.

I think my ex knew as he was leaving he was making the wrong decision, but (and even he admitted this), he was almost brainwashed. The whole, you don't love her, she doesn't love you, I love you, you love me, etc. He has admitted he was bombarded by texts, phonecalls, manipulation when they met, yet he still went along with it.

You cannot change it, just stay strong. The FB and make up are designed to wind you up. Ignore it. Or go one better. Give her a gift of brand new make up (whatever the cost!!!) To "replace her lost make up". Block her on FB, and him, so you don't have to go through this. Block anyone who winds you up. There are control settings to stop you being abused.

Stay strong Hun, It's hard, but he isn't worth it. Xxx

midnightsnacking Tue 18-Apr-17 20:35:58

I'm feeling better already! It's strange how my emotions are all over the place. Yes I know that she is lashing out. My husband (soon to be ex) returned my car, that she had been driving. Nice. So she is back to her crappy car. Cheap makeup. I love the idea of replacing it with something a lot better. Think I just might!
It's good to know I'm not alone. That there are lots of pollock nlinded by flattery and lust.

noego Tue 18-Apr-17 23:08:00

one day you will look back on this and realise that these things happen for a reason. You don't know what that reason is at the moment but it will come to light eventually.
Take one day at a time. Slowly re-build as and when your are ready to take the next step. There is no rush,

kennypppppppp Tue 18-Apr-17 23:17:10

Things for me have been averagely crap since he moved out. Numerous MH stuff and loads of uncontrollable tears. Although God knows why as it wasn't a surprise.
I'm nearly two years post split. People who are married tell me it gets easier. Although how they know this, with the benefit of no hindsight from them whatsoever, i don't know. But I've turned into a cantankerous old bat.
Which is no help to you but you can't rush the feelings and emotions you're having. When it all gets too much just stopping and going to bed (even at 7pm sometimes) is all I'm capable of.

But obviously you have the OW issues too which must be REALLY tough. I don't know what to say. Alcohol didn't help me. Watching made in Chelsea did. Such a difficult time and I feel for you massively. Good luck.

midnightsnacking Wed 19-Apr-17 00:09:40

One day at a time definately . Sometimes one hour at a time. I refuse to be a bloody victim. Comparing myself to another woman is crap. So. Head held high. Trying to stop that little voice that says I'm not worthy. Argh.

Bubblebath01 Thu 20-Apr-17 19:47:47

Been thinking of you today, hope things moving positively. Xx

midnightsnacking Fri 21-Apr-17 23:45:54

Thank you. I'm ok. I wish I didn't feel so stuck. I know he's not a nice person. But his words have traumatised me. Basically get lost. I wish I could!! His kids think he's awful, his friends are horrified. But he seems as happy as can be.
Anyway. Gotta be a. If girl about it. Thank you for thinking of me

IsNotGold Sat 22-Apr-17 03:54:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladylunchalot1 Sat 22-Apr-17 04:48:35

This was always in him I believe and it's nothing to do with you be strong rise up and you will be a better person easier said than done babe but you will get there x

Startoftheyear2017 Sat 22-Apr-17 05:16:52

Be strongflowers

LostSight Sat 22-Apr-17 07:23:29

But he seems as happy as can be.

Of course he seems that way. He's an arsehole. No way would he want to lose face in front of you.

Good luck OP. Your self-respect will return. Treat yourself well.

Bubblebath01 Mon 24-Apr-17 23:24:21

He's not happy, far from it, but he won't admit to you. He may have sex on tap, but I imagine even he knows that won't last.

My ex knows he was a total wanker, treated myself and his children appallingly, but guess what, it's my fault! KARMA, it comes around. Meanwhile, hold your head high. He is behaving totally juvenile, you, are being an adult. Putting the financial and emotional of your children first.

The relax Hun, he will disintegrate. You will rise above. 😘

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