DH & porn

[BuggeryBollox]

I woke this morning to find DH watching porn on his phone whilst laying in bed next to me. I am so angry and upset. When I asked why the hell he was doing that when I am right next to him his reaction was "Because you never feel like it". He eventually muttered an apology at me. It transpires that this is the second time in a week that he has done this. In our bed. With me asleep next to him.

For background, my DH has always been anti-porn in the 18 years we have been together. This mattered to me because porn was part of the abuse I suffered as a child. He obviously didn't know about the abuse until we had been together several years and tbh he doesn't know much about it now other than it happened to me.

My DH and I have had something of a sporadic sex life over the last 2 years since I suffered a vaginal prolapse. I felt deeply unsexy, was often in pain and had a tendency to wet myself because of bladder weakness. Sound like a real catch, right? However, during this entire time, he constantly told me how much he fancied me, encouraged me not to feel self-conscious, didn't feel any different etc etc. He has always been very loving and not remotely pressuring me into anything. He just wanted me to see in myself what he saw in me.

I recently had prolapse & bladder repair and despite the pain & discomfort, I have been thrilled with the results. However, we haven't yet had sex and I was keen to try but DH has been distant over the last week or so and therefore the opportunity or moment has really arisen.

This feels like a deal breaker to me. I don't actually know what to do. I can't even go into our bedroom because it makes me feel sick. I know I sound like a drama queen. I am sure there are some women for whom this is no big deal. But to me it feels like a huge f*cking insult. I feel old and sad and deeply unattractive. I don't even know why I'm posting other than just to put it out there instead of it going around and around in my head.

[yetmorecrap]

I feel this is deeply disrespectful to you and extremely odd as well. Is he trying to make a statement or something! Personally there is no way I would accept this

[ijustwantfiveminutespeace]

I get where you are coming from and if it has been an issue for you in the past, it's rather off that he would do it beside you.
Would you be okay if he did it in private and you knew nothing about it?
Guys always say they have needs, certainly way more than woman. He obviously needs to let off some steam, could you guys not just 'fool around' and you do it for him without doing 'the deed'? Then he is happy n you are too that he didn't resort to porn?
He loves you and fancies you, prob just needing some sort of release! X

[FritzDonovan]

You don't sound like a drama queen, although be prepared that on any thread vaguely related to porn, people are going to come on here and tell you every man does it/it's their right to do so/you are controlling by not wanting him to watch it.
Personally, I am against my OH watching porn and we are going through a rough patch at the moment because of it. I think you have even more reason than most to be upset, given your history. I don't think ppl who use porn see the ramifications of it, or see it as a big thing at all, even with a partner who is unhappy about it. Is it possible that he is worried about sex after your op and is diverting his attention elsewhere? All you can do is discuss and try to get across why you are upset. Hopefully he will support you once he understands the effects on you personally, and potentially on the relationship. It is difficult.

[FritzDonovan]

He obviously needs to let off some steam, could you guys not just 'fool around' and you do it for him without doing 'the deed'? Then he is happy n you are too that he didn't resort to porn?

He's not 'resorting to porn'! OP said she was keen to try but he wasn't. What a very old fashioned notion, that she would be happy to 'do it for him' with no consideration on his part!

[BuggeryBollox]

During the recovery period after my operation, I made sure we stayed intimate just without penetrative sex (because obviously that's not an option after a vaginal repair). I was really looking forward to being properly intimate with him and he with me (or so he told me).

No, I wouldn't be okay if he were watching porn in private. I don't get the need to watch someone else having sex when you are in a loving marriage with 18 years of quite amazing sex to think about and turn you on. We have had a very full & fabulous sex life, happy to try new things etc.

The point here is that it isn't the wanking that bothers me. It's the fact that he is watching other women. That is what is disrespectful IMO.

[Thephoneywar]

@fritz people are allowed different opinions on porn and porn usage within relationships. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's wrong.

OP, if porn is a red line to you, fair enough, but it isn't to everyone.

You can ask your DH not to use it but he is allowed to watch it if he wants to. You have to decide whether you want to be with someone who watches it.

[LesisMiserable]

First of all. You dont get to tell a grown adult what it and isnt ok for them to do. You get to decide if you're happy with what they do and if you're not you get to walk away from it.

Secondly, your posts are about your feelings about yourself and your body and totally understandably you're not feeling your most desirable at present. But that is your feeling and you cant project it onto anyone else. If he is watching other women its because women star in porn, not that he is attracted to them over you. It is what it is.

Is there any way he could now be a bit worried about hurting you after your operation and that has dampened his enthusiasm to try ? Have you asked him? If you feel crap about yourself for whatever reason this will no doubt come over in your manner whether consciously or not and perhaps he sees that although you are talking the talk you really are not feeling it and that worries him?

18 years of amazing sex is brilliant but that doesnt mean that a person doesnt sometimes want to look at something else, something disconnected even and one step removed. If you're making a correlation between the two then you're not going to sleep at night for worrying that he might do it again.

[OhhBetty]

Do you know what OP, it literally doesn't matter how I or anyone else feels about it. If it's a dealbreaker then it's a dealbreaker. Watching porn whilst in bed with your spouse is disrespectful anyway imo but especially since he knows about your past. I don't think being with a partner who watches porn is right for you considering everything. for you

[SparklingRaspberry]

It wouldn't have bothered me

But it bothers you and as this is your relationships, that's the only opinion that matters here.

Perhaps he thought it was better to watch porn than try it on with you, when he knows what you've just gone through? Maybe he didn't wanna wake you up?

[SunshineBelle]

I think the main issue here is that he was lying in bed watching it with the OP asleep next to him. Which I find kind of odd.
Given what you have been through I can totally understand why you are against it and he obviously knows you are too.

If he has always been "anti-porn" it seems strange that he would be so blasé about watching it so openly - have you spoken about it?

[yetmorecrap]

I am clearly not with the game these days because whilst I dont have a problem with a bit of discreet vanilla porn (not webcam stuff etc) I myself do have a real issue with someone openly sat watching it next to me and if we took a survey on this I bet 90 out of 100 women would in these circumstances. It is especially disrespectful I feel given that the OP is in post op recovery . Couldnt he have at least waited till he was on his own

[MaisyPops]

It sounds like he agreed to no porn because you have an issue with it rather than him personally being anti porn.

I can imagine he probably was watching it in private over time and my gut instinct is that's his choice. I think you have been unreasonable to try to dictate over the years his porn use.

That said, i think watching porn with you next to him is hugely disrespectful and YANBU to be annoyed and hurt at his actions.

If its a dealbreaker to you then that is neither right or wrong. Only you can decide where to go from here.

[ems137]

I would have a huge problem if DH was watching porn in bed whilst I slept beside him tbh.

What he does in private is up to him but I'd feel disrespected if he was wanking in bed next to me.

I'm hugely insecure and hate the idea of DH watching porn but I'd never tell him that. He can do what he wants as long as it doesn't impact me.

[DeleteOrDecay]

YANBU, doing it in bed whilst you're asleep next to him is bad enough but he knows about your past and porn is clearly a trigger for you, yet here he is essentially rubbing it in your face, the very least he could have done was be a bit more discrete about it.

It just shows a complete lack of consideration for others on his part.

Bit odd that he's suddenly not anti-porn now, are you sure he's been completely honest about that?

I'm really sorry about what happened to you

[HerOtherHalf]

Opinions vary massively about porn so I'm not going to add to that aspect of the thread. The thing that stands out to me is his comment "because you never feel like it". What a horrible, spiteful, nasty thing to say, given the reason why.

[BuggeryBollox]

Thank you for all the responses. I'm also wondering if it has happened before. He admitted to having done exactly the same the week before but swore that was it. He had his phone under the duvet & he was peering under it. When I woke, I reached around to hug him & the look of shock on his face told me he clearly wasn't watching football highlights.

I understand that not everyone finds porn offensive. However, I could never stay with someone who felt it was acceptable. Particularly to be watching it in such a disrespectful circumstance. I cannot believe that after 18 years of marriage he would put his desire to get off above his love, desire & respect for his wife.

It feels like such a slap in the face when I did all I could to ensure he felt wanted & desired during my recovery period. Essentially to lay the groundwork, so to speak, for finally feeling like a woman again & having sex fully. He knew I was excited about that - we talked about it. I feel like he has shat on that from a great height.

[BuggeryBollox]

HerOtherHalf The comment he made was almost worse than the thing he did. That it was my fault. That this would be the first thing out of his mouth rather than sorry is so painful. Spineless & spiteful.

[Thephoneywar]

Are you really going to end 18 years of marriage because your DH looks at a bit of porn and has a wank?

[FritzDonovan]

@fritz people are allowed different opinions on porn and porn usage within relationships. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's wrong.
phoney I have never said that ppl are not entitled to their own opinions. However, coming on a thread to tell someone that their opinion is wrong and then trying to change it (what is exactly what some pro-porn ppl do on these threads) is, imo, wrong. If OP does not feel comfortable with it, it's sensitive to perhaps try and explain her OH's side of it, but as sparkling said
it bothers you and as this is your relationships, that's the only opinion that matters here.
Also, Les states
You dont get to tell a grown adult what it and isnt ok for them to do. You get to decide if you're happy with what they do and if you're not you get to walk away from it.
Which makes sense, although one would hope OH had more empathy and sense than to be caught out in the way he was, after essentially refusing sex with OP, which is hurtful.
As far as I have caught up, noone has yet appeared to tell OP that there is nothing wrong with porn (opinion), he has a right to watch and therefore she is being unreasonable and controlling, which is good. The thread is about her (not unreasonable, esp given the circumstances) opinion and banging on about how this opinion is wrong would not be helpful or sensitive to the situation. Which is exactly what usually ends up happening.
Sorry OP.

[scottishdiem]

I cannot believe that after 18 years of marriage he would put his desire to get off above his love, desire & respect for his wife.

Unfortunately an awful lot of men can create an epic disconnect between those to things. The desire for a wank and meaningless (to men) sexual titillation is in no way connected to how they feel about their partners.

"Because you never feel like it" is the shocker for me, not the porn. If, as you say OP, that you had 18 years of great sex (minus two cause of the prolapse? Or twenty years but last two problematic for you both?) then he is awfully spiteful as you have been engaging in other sexual acts. There is something that is problematic for him to deviate from the norm and the boundaries.

I would say though that porn on a phone in bed is not the act of someone who is just looking recently. It is the act of someone who has become comfortable in their porn consumption and may have been going on throughout your illness.

[Aquamarine1029]

No matter how supportive and understanding your husband might be, he is human and he does have needs. Don't expect him to relate to porn the same way you do. That's just not fair or realistic. It was a meaningless escape for him. His big mistake was not hiding it from you.

[FritzDonovan]

I believe in privacy, but not at the expense of honesty.
His big mistake was not hiding it from you.
Says a lot about what some ppl find acceptable in a relationship (I'm not saying it's wrong per se, but in my particular relationship it is wrong, and possibly in OP'S mind too). There must be many happy couples in which one introduced porn to the other and both are happy. However, if one partner sneaks around with it they must think it wrong on some level, and this secrecy is often the most difficult bit to reconcile. There must be a happy medium somewhere, but if the DP will not discuss reasons openly and honestly, with sensitivity for OP'S feelings, I don't think he can expect any other reaction. Porn is not a need. It's a want.

[Aquamarine1029]

Technically, sex is not a need, it's a want. But for most people, sex is very important and the want for it effects their sense of contentment. It certainly does for me. In regards to a "happy medium", how can there be one if one of the partners is denied sex completely, regardless of the reason? Yes, it may be a legitimate, medical reason, but that doesn't mean their need for sexual gratification just disappears because of what their partner is going through. Why can't she satisfy him through other means? Just because traditional, vaginal sex isn't possible doesn't mean she couldn't meet his needs in other ways.

[FritzDonovan]

She hasn't said that she didn't.
From what you are saying though, porn is a requirement for happy wanking.

[FritzDonovan]

Which I don't think it is, if your partner finds it disrespectful and you can respect your partner's feelings about it.