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How to get out of this?

(14 Posts)
tooters2017 Tue 18-Apr-17 14:47:22

Regular poster but have name chaged for this.

I am 35 and have been with my partner for 20 months. There have been many many incidents that have made me so incredibly unhappy in the relationship (no cheating). I don't even know how to get this down in writing concisely. I won't go into details of everything that has happened over our time together as I feel it will be identifying. He is not obviously abusive emotionally, never physically, but from everything that has happened over our time together, I feel it has chipped away at me and I know I need to get out, I just don't know how. I am not sure what it is that is stopping me from leaving, but it has really been damaging to my emotional wellbeing and also physical wellbeing as I have been signed off from work for months and months with anxiety. I was doing pretty well before I met him. I had previously lost my mother 2 years before, and I finally felt like I was getting myself back on an even keel after such a devastating time.

I guess what I want advice/help with is my mindset and getting myself to a place where I can leave him for good. We have split a few times in the past and I have gone NC. The longest being about 2 weeks, and after me telling him never to contact me again, he did and it all kind of went from there again.

I reached a place before where I was detaching from him, I was taking steps to get over him and move on, but I feel that that has all just gone out of the window. I feel I don't have that in me anymore and I just feel stuck and hopeless, I'm doing nothing about it despite being so miserable.

I'd love to hear from people who have left relationships where they have felt as stuck as I feel and how you did it, also any advice to actually take steps to leave would be most welcome. I know I cannot go on like this. We have no ties together so I feel even more stupid for staying in this relationship. Is it possible to detach from someone emotionally first whilst you're still with them before finally pulling the plug?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 18-Apr-17 14:58:50

Why do you feel 'stuck'?
Do you own or rent together?
I honestly can't imagine how you must be feeling right now.
But your independence, your job and your mental health are all on the line right now and you still can't leave?
Do you have other family or friends you can talk to?

Please call Womens Aid today 0808 2000 247
They can help you with local support and an exit plan.

tooters2017 Tue 18-Apr-17 15:06:26

Sorry, I should have mentioned that. We don't live together. I have my own house and he has his. This is why I know this situation is ridiculous. I know that I have to leave him, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I have done it before, so I don't know why I can't do it now. I think it just feels like I have lost my resolve and I just feel at such a low level. I know that the last time, if he hadn't contacted me, I never would have contacted him again. I don't know what I would benefit from Womans Aid as there is no abuse neither has there been.

LineysRun Tue 18-Apr-17 15:16:30

This kind of relationship can be like a form of self-harming.

As a matter of some urgency I think you need to seek support, counselling and medical help if necessary for your grief and your self-esteem issues flowers

You MUST go no contact with him. Block and delete him. Change your lock if he has a key. Tell him to stay away and that you mean it - and seriously, call the police if he hassles you. Take control back.

Take comfort from the company of others, and look after yourself.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 18-Apr-17 15:18:15

But you admit he's chipped away at you.
Brought your self esteem and confidence levels right down.
Affected your mental health massively.
You now feel stuck and can't leave!
I would suggest he is very emotionally abusive.
Womens Aid might say it's not that but at least get a professional opinion on it.
Might help you understand it better.
Are you having therapy/counselling for yourself?
If not then get that sorted out fast.

PollytheDolly Tue 18-Apr-17 15:45:33

I'd go with EA.

What did he do to make you feel this way?

thegirlfromthehill Tue 18-Apr-17 16:08:57

Hi - I know exactly how you feel. I am in a similar position, although I live with my DP in his house.

Much as it pains me to say this, you would not be feeling as you do if this man was kind, caring and had your best interests at heart. And, as HellsBellsMelons says, you admit he has chipped away at you with your confidence right down. That sounds so like emotional abuse to me - I am so sorry to say this to you. It's so horrible to think that someone can treat you like that.

Do you have a friend in whom you can confide? That's a good starting point. You deserve better than this.

Kittencatkins123 Tue 18-Apr-17 17:03:11

I agree with confiding in a friend. Talk to them about the ways he has chipped away at your confidence and affected your wellbeing. You need their support and also in telling them you're going to end it, this may help strengthen your resolve if you're wobbling once you've done it, or he gets in touch again. Iv

Kittencatkins123 Tue 18-Apr-17 17:05:01

Sorry - that posted too soon.

I was going to say that I have been text support for a friend going through a split - so any time she wanted to text him she could text me instead. That kind of thing can help.

Or a sibling?

You can do this and you will feel happier and healthier as a result.


wasbumpers Thu 20-Apr-17 14:22:11

I feel exactly the same. I ended my marriage previously but can't seem to break away from my current relationship. He hasnt done anything specific but it's not making me happy anymore. Am interested to see people's responses to this.

Wormulonian Thu 20-Apr-17 18:20:53

I would get some counselling with the specific aim initially of how to withdraw. If you can't tell him face to face - do you think you could write a letter? Could you stay elsewhere - have a little holiday or the like after you split?

Do you feel frightened of him in some way?

Change your locks and block his phone number, email, FB etc. You need to leave this man you have only been together 20 months and you say there are many, many incidents that have made you very unhappy. Please leave him - you deserve to be happy. This man is not right for you. Heal yourself first.

You could try reading a Lundy Bancroft book such as "should I stay or should I go?" to try to work out what is happening and plan an exit strategy. I think you would be fully justified in calling Women's Aid - he is causing you emotional distress.

Jackeve Thu 20-Apr-17 20:52:20

I know how you feel as I'm in a very similar situation with my partner. We have also been together 18 months and don't live together. He hasn't treated me badly in any way but the way he is towards me has dented my confidence so much. He never seems to show me affection unless I initiate it, in the whole time we've been together he has never paid me one compliment on my appearance and only wants to spend time with me when it suits him ☹️. I'm so sad he's made me feel this way as I'm normally a strong independent woman who divorced my ex for his verbally abusive behaviour. Will be reading your replies with interest X

PollytheDolly Fri 21-Apr-17 13:53:30

Emotional withdrawal/withholding is just as bad Jack. You deserve better.

happypoobum Fri 21-Apr-17 14:19:27

I totally understand as have been in your shoes. It was an incredibly painful and difficult time and it took me ages to recover.

You have to go completely and utterly NC. If you don't then it is a form of self harming.

I got a lot of help from friends and from The Baggage reclaim website

I made a list of "X's Many Faults" which became extensive as I added to it. Things that were big, small, ridiculous, all went on the list.

I realised over time that he wasn't that special and that he would never be who I wanted him to be.

Good luck flowers

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