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Leaving a controlling man

(11 Posts)
thegirlfromthehill Tue 18-Apr-17 14:44:45

Those of you who have left controlling men successfully - how do I get beyond the blankness that seems to grip my brain when I make moves to leave him? After another huge blow up from him over a simple request from me I have been told to 'go' once again, and, I am on the point of booking a removal van to get all my stuff and 'just go', and yet, why do I hesitate still? Where is my pride? Where is my anger? Where is my self-respect?

He has said the most awful things and made me feel awful and I know that my life would be so much the easier without him as for all the good times, there are an equal number, if not more, bad times.

But he has been such a huge part of my world for years now and it just feels so bizarre to even think of life without him - even though he is emotionally hurting me and my wider family. I hate him for this attitude of discarding me like a piece of rubbish when I have done nothing but love and care for him.

I have lovely friends and a supportive family, and a good job that I have managed to hang on to, so I am not without others in my life. But daft as it sounds, I feel sorry for him! I fall into the trap of thinking that 'he'll come round' to my way of thinking. But he doesn't. If anything, he just gets worse.

I have left him several times before, only to crack a few days later and resume contact, and then flip myself inside out to get back with him. I need to find the strength not to do this again.

Someone talk some sense into me please.

Noodles4Me Tue 18-Apr-17 14:56:32

I think the fact you have posted this is a positive, it means you are self-aware and perhaps getting closer and closer to leaving for good.

I cannot give you much advice, just want to wish you luck and hope you make the break. flowers

MickeyRooney Tue 18-Apr-17 14:58:55

You should leave.
Why are you living your life like this? Sounds miserable.

splendidglenda Tue 18-Apr-17 16:11:43

I am also married to a controlling man. Have been together for 15 years. I don't have any words of wisdom but just wanted to post to say that I get it. My only advice might be to get things as organised as possible so that you feel more secure when you leave. flowers

thegirlfromthehill Tue 18-Apr-17 16:18:03

thank you @Noodles4Me @MickeyRooney and @SplendidGlenda

I know it's the right thing to do, but I feel so sad and cheated

0live Tue 18-Apr-17 16:26:54

It's ok to feel sad. It's been a long time and a big part of your life.

I guess you had hoped that if you just loved him enough and did what he wanted them he would love you and threat you better. So it's ok to feel cheated too.

JellyBean31 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:41:51

I think the key to leaving a controlling man is to do it on your own terms when you're ready, not because he has told you to go. While the decision still feels like its under his control, you will feel weak and be more likely to go back if that's what he decides.

Can you cancel the van, tell him you will go but at a time when you are ready. Spend a couple of weeks sorting out finances etc and then just leave because it's what you have decided to do.

He doesn't want you to go, he just wants you to do as you're told!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 18-Apr-17 17:04:40

Just pack a bag and go and stay with a friend for a few days at least, then work out when and how to collect the rest of your stuff. Spend that time with friend/s crying your eyes out, drinking wine (if that's your thing) and just planning what to do next. It is very, very difficult to do without any support at all, even just for moral support. But I did it, thank God. And you can too. Best of luck, be strong! Do not waste your life with this man, my only regret is not leaving sooner.

isitjustme2017 Tue 18-Apr-17 17:21:24

I totally get this. I'm finally getting out of my horrid relationship after 17 years together. SO many times I've wanted to leave and just couldn't do it? why? I can't explain it. It becomes a way of life. It becomes the norm. You have been with this person for so many years that the thought of life on your own is worse than the behaviour.
I always used to feel sorry for my dp. I knew he would be a mess if I left. Even though he treated me like sh*t, I still put him first!! Its mad but you're not the only person to feel like this.
Even now, we are putting the house on the market so things are actually happening but I feel lost and sad. The thought of starting a new life with the kids felt amazing but now its happening, it actually doesn't. However, I know its the right thing to do and am determined to power through. You will eventually reach this point too.

Mouseface Tue 18-Apr-17 18:01:28

Hi.

I was in a very abusive "relationship" 15 years ago now, but there isn't a day that goes by that that scumbag isn't in my head. I'm finally having counselling and seeing a lovely lady every few weeks about my mental health, as I suffered in silence ever since leaving him because I was so ashamed of what I allowed him to do to me.

I'm slowly understanding that actually I have nothing to be ashamed about as all I did was fall in love with a wonderful man who (unbeknownst to me) actually groomed me into the person HE wanted to be with, at any cost.

For me, he made sure that I had no support or friends, my family had no idea just how controlling he was, he controlled EVERYTHING! My bank account, phone bill, and even making sure I lost the job I loved due to beating me so badly, for not cooking his dinner on time for example, that I'd have to hide away in the house until the bruises had gone. He slept with numerous women, lied where he was, women would come to the house asking to see him, asking who I was, they'd call at all hours of the day and night, it was never ending and eventually, I unplugged the landline one night.

When he found out, he threw me out in the early hours of the night with nothing but my bra and pants on. It was January. The police were called by the neighbours on a regular basis but each time anything like that happened he'd beg me to come back and tell me that he was going to change, get help etc.......

Of course hde never did. He beat me that hard one night that I lost our baby. I was 8 weeks gone. When he found out, he refused to take me to hospital and just laughed as I called for a taxi, crying the whole time. Of course I went home the next day and he was sat waiting for me, wanting to know where I'd been for all the time. He quizzed me over what I'd said to the doctors. I'd told them I'd fallen and hadn't realised that I was even pregnant. I thought that if I loved him and showed him that he was my world, the abuse would stop. But little did I know that I wasn't the first, and I wasn't the last sad

I'm posting all of this because as I type, I'm safe. I'm sat in our lounge. With my beautiful son and our clever daughter is studying upstairs. My wonderful husband is mowing the lawn and our dog is lying in the sun on the patio. I've been with the love of my life for 12 years now, but it took me a while to even look at another man, let alone be physical with him. But I did and although we've had a few rough things to deal with, we've dealt with them as a team, as equals, together smile

How did I get away? I honestly don't know how, but one afternoon, my ex was spoiling for a fight. I could sense him getting annoyed at my ignorance towards him and point blank refused to say a word. I suddenly felt strong, something snapped in me and I went ballistic at him. Although I didn't raise my voice, something made me see him for what he really, truly was. A playground bully, a nasty, controlling, pathetic excuse for a man and I just packed as much stuff as I could, all the while he followed me around the house sobbing and pleading with me to stay, saying he'd change if only I'd please stay, but by then, I didn't want him to change, I didn't want him anymore. I actually felt sorry for him. I laughed in his face each time he promised something else, I was in control now and although I expected it, he didn't touch me once.

I had finally found my voice. And I liked the sound of it! I was cool headed, I was finally ready to leave him under MY CONTROL.

You will find your voice too but you really, honestly, more than anything you have ever felt before, have to want to leave him and all that he has done. It will never get better or be over unless YOU take his control over you away. I promise you that if he loved you, really loved you, he'd NEVER treat you like he has.

You have support. You're family and friends will be there for you, they are now. Find your voice and put an end to this cycle that you're stuck in. You can do this but you have to want to and for good.

Take care xx

thegirlfromthehill Tue 18-Apr-17 19:39:04

Thanks everyone - I am so touched by your kind messages and support. I think that unless you have been in this kind of situation, it's really, really hard to understand why someone like me doesn't tell DP to get lost and just leave him like that.

I think you are right @jellybean31 - it is about doing things on my terms. He's locked me out more than once and demanded I 'fuck off for good' but I've always stood my ground, which I think was the right thing to do. I do feel more organised now and am taking a break from collecting boxes from the supermarket in which to pack my things. @Mouseface you are so right -that's exactly what he is, 'a playground bully.' Pathetic.

But I think what I am allowing myself to feel is almost like mourning - I am mourning the loss of something, and perhaps even realising it never really was there. I've also sought counselling but at the moment can't afford £50 an hour, and the waiting list for NHS services is very long. But you are all really helping. It's just so good to say these things and realise that I am not alone, or mad, or weak, or weird. Just sad.

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