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Sexless marriage, infidelity, and recovery

(14 Posts)
Chasingtherainbowaway Tue 18-Apr-17 14:11:40

My wife and I have had a mostly sexless marriage for years. This led me to have an affair a couple of years ago. In turn, my affair damaged our relationship and led to my wife sleeping with several people, some women, some men. In part, this was her exploring her sexuality, having realised she might be attracted to women as well as men.

Anyway, we've both betrayed each other badly, but want to make a fresh start and make it work.

One problem is that my wife is not passionately attracted to me, certainly less attracted to me than to her principle two affair partners (one male, one female). However, in spite of this she on balance says she would rather be with me.

Another (related) problem is that she does not want to share the same level of passion and intimacy with me that she did with them. Mostly, this means that she doesn't want to kiss me (at all), despite being very much into kissing them, isn't really interested in sex with me, and is certainly not interested in certain sex-acts (nothing extreme, but would still not go into details!) which she shared with them.

I'm struggling on both of these points. I seem to be struggling to see value in a marriage in which I am not the "most desirable person" to my partner. I am also struggling to be content with a physical relationship which is a pale imitation of what she shared with others.

Now, to be fair, she was never really into kissing (me), and with hindsight I think she married me THINKING that I ticked the romantic/sexual attraction box, but that she has now learned better.

I don't really know what to do. I've told her how I feel, and she just cant find it in herself to feel passionately about me. I'm probably not the best husband in the world (okay, I'm clearly not given the first paragraph above), but I've worked very hard over the years to follow all the advice of sex therapists and counsellors.

Are my expectations of our relationship completely unreasonable? Would I be wrong to bail just because I've found out my wife isn't all that attracted to me, even though she does want us to stay together? Could we successfully make a "parenting marriage" work for the next few years (we have 3 school age children), and have our romantic and sexual needs met elsewhere (I would definitely find this hard to swallow).


Happybunny19 Tue 18-Apr-17 14:47:20

This sounds miserable and can only make you feel that way too. Surely nobody can stay in a marriage that damaged with any self esteem intact. I would personally have to end it as i simply couldn't stay around playing second best, knowing my spouse doesn't fancy me. If you were both disinterested in a sexual relationship it might be worth considering staying together, but you've both slept with others, so clearly still want a physical relationship.

FritzDonovan Tue 18-Apr-17 16:02:28

Sounds like a crappy marriage if you both want your romantic and sexual needs met elsewhere. I would find this totally disrespectful. What's left? Why would you want to stay together??

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Tue 18-Apr-17 16:28:58

Honestly it sounds miserable, there's nothing to stay in the relationship for so why on earth would you?

Thephoneywar Tue 18-Apr-17 16:33:52

Not worth staying in a loveless, sexless, uncomfortable relationship just for the sake of the kids.

Why do you two even want to be together. Just separate and move on to happier relationships.

Staying is just going to lead to resentment and pain.

Guavaf1sh Tue 18-Apr-17 17:38:10

I think you know what you need to do

SandyY2K Tue 18-Apr-17 17:43:46

I think you should just give up on the marriage. She's not into you and probably is happy to have you there for financial support and security and

Life's too short, get out and find true love.

shpioror Mon 26-Jun-17 20:41:15

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LellyMcKelly Mon 26-Jun-17 23:22:23

No, you have one life. Do you really want to see yourself living like this in 10-20 years?

NotMyPenguin Mon 26-Jun-17 23:29:10

I think you could find somebody who would love you and find you attractive, and be a lot happier than you are now.

You can still co-parent together when you are separated, and give your children a good quality of life -- and, just as importantly, happier parents.

AnyFucker Mon 26-Jun-17 23:35:37

Christ, just get out

You don't even have a "marriage" any more

Co parent don't have to be in this sham of a "relationship" to do that

Changedname3456 Tue 27-Jun-17 00:14:35

Jesus, that's no life to be leading. Why would you want to be third best?

cappy123 Tue 27-Jun-17 00:25:55

Sadly agree with the other replies. An curious about you're saying she married me THINKING that I ticked the romantic/sexual attraction box, but that she has now learned better. What does that mean, sounds a bit fait accompli, was there an understanding that you wouldn't be romantic or sexual?

jeaux90 Tue 27-Jun-17 06:44:53

Oh Jesus OP. It's over. Co-parent and go find yourself a life. Being on your own is way less miserable than what you have now.

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