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When did you meet your husbands?

(48 Posts)
Lillybettx Tue 18-Apr-17 12:13:04

Hi there,

I'm nearly 33, and find myself single again after a seemingly perfect relationship of 14 months has come to an end five weeks ago. My boyfriend, now ex (i can barely bring myself to say it), broke up with me with little reason. I am left confused, scared and alone. Terrified that I will never find a partner and have children. I don't want children on my own, so that is not an option for me. It's not about just having a child, it's about being a family and having a life partner to have a family life with.

Anyway, my ex has decided he doesn't want those things with me and has cut and run. I think he has panicked. We got another wedding invite (making 8 for 2017) through that morning, and then by the evening I was dumped. I think he was standing on the precipice and had to decide. Because of our ages (both 33) and need to settle down it was a case of all or nothing, and he has balked at the idea of committing to a future with me. He says he doesn't know if he will ever want children or to get married.

I know time is of the essence and I need to get back out there, but when is too soon? When is the right time? And how do I do it?

All i want is for him to change his mind. I never experienced love with anyone else like I did with him. I'd had other boyfriends, but it was nothing like what we had. It was a whirlwind. He bought me an expensive watch on our third date - that sort of thing. He showered me with romance from the word go. It was absolute besotted-with-each-other love. I was head over heels, and more so with each passing day. I never saw this coming. I don't think he is ever coming back. You don't hear of couples reconciling down the line...

I'm curious to know when you lovely ladies met your husbands, and importantly, how you met them. I am self-employed, I work from my spare room so finding someone organically doesn't seem like an option. Although, I am considering getting a job in an effort to find someone.

Any advice to give me a boost would be appreciated as I am feeling dreadfully low and depressed. :-)

livefornaps Tue 18-Apr-17 12:20:25

Better he ran now rather than later, leaving you without the possibility of having kids. By the "watch" anecdote, he sounds like someone who enjoys the first flushes of romance, but settling down seems humdrum & mundane. You had a lucky escape from a man child!

user1486956786 Tue 18-Apr-17 12:30:14

I am such a firm believer of letting it happen naturally. You are only 5 weeks out of what you thought was forever, I just think it's so early to be thinking about the next. Personally I think you can't / shouldn't start another relationship until you are 110% happy single.

So many women have children late 30s / early 40s! You need to believe you have nothing to worry about!

I met my partner at a work conference, after a very very drunk night... totally not romantic or planned.

Haudyerwheesht Tue 18-Apr-17 12:34:03

Remember you are still very emotional. I was a teenager and met dh in a nightclub but I was the exception amongst my friends who mostly settled down between 28-38. You're still young please don't fee pressurised and remember that you are worthy of love and affection and it will come.

Evilstepmum01 Tue 18-Apr-17 12:40:26

OP, At your age I could have written this post!
After counselling, I stopped looking for someone and concentrated on my life and being happy for me.
Then I met DH at the dump and we bonded over our dogs! That was it, we just clicked. A year later we had DS (I was 34), then 2 years later we were married!
So its never too late and please dont give up hope. Sometimes you have to wait for the best!
Do you have a dog? They're the best ice-breakers ever! grin

juneau Tue 18-Apr-17 12:42:26

The panic and desperation you exude even in an anonymous post is palpable and is likely to make any decent bloke run a mile. OP your ex wasn't ready to settle down and you were clearly looking at the clock and dropping hints, so better that he runs now than in another couple of years. TBH the watch on the third date and madly in love from the get-go would've been a big red flag for me. Guys like that who are all about the whirlwind and the grand gestures aren't quite right.

As for what you should do now? Take a deep, deep breath. Stop panicking, slow your heart rate and firstly accept that you aren't in any fit state to meet someone new right now. You're still reeling from this break up. So, by all means go to the weddings you've been invited to, accept any and all invitations to go out, have fun, reconnect with old friends. Get a job if you're going stir crazy staring at the four walls of your spare bedroom. But don't go out hell-bent on picking up Mr Right. Concentrate on putting your head and heart back together. Make this summer all about you. Marriage is forever and absolutely NOT something to be rushed into just because you're feeling the tick tock of your biological clock. I'm 10 years older than you and I have several friends who married in haste in their early 30s and their marriages are either now in trouble or over and they're now trying to figure out how to keep a roof over their and their DC's heads while juggling childcare and shared custody. So please, don't prioritise leaping into another relationship while you're feeling the way you do. There is actually something far worse than being 33 and single.

roarityroar Tue 18-Apr-17 12:43:30

Interested as single at 29

Oly5 Tue 18-Apr-17 12:43:43

I was 34 and had decided not to leave things to chance as I really wanted children. I went Internet dating and met him quite quickly. Now expecting child number 3! So don't give up. But don't waste any more time thinking about this guy. He is an ex, he's been honest rather than stringing you along and he's done you a favour. And no, he won't come back. Cut contact with him and get back out there! Good luck

TheNaze73 Tue 18-Apr-17 12:48:17

Really good post by juneau

Lillybettx Tue 18-Apr-17 12:54:15

Thank you, ladies.
With clarity, I think I am starting to realise I was a rebound. He met me two months after breaking up with his ex of 4.5 years. We had this almighty whirlwind and it was crazy head over heels in love sort of stuff. Him saying he loved me on our second date. We chose to wait to have sex - waiting til the 12th date. The whole thing felt very much like a virginal school relationship. It was special and we were absolutely besotted. 4 months into the relationship he has a major motorbike accident and breaks his leg (serious open fracture, bones out of leg). He spent the next 8 months on crutches. I nursed him through four operations. I did things most women new to a relationship would shy away from. Emptied his commode, shopped for him, walked his dog, bathed him, helped him to walk, cleaned his house. During his last hospital stint, I physically put him onto the loo and he clung onto me whilst I stroked his back as he struggled to poo. I literally did everything for him. In January he gets the all-clear from the doctor that the last op was a success. Throw away the crutches he says, get some exercise. So my ex joins the gym and he starts focusing on that. Six weeks later I'm dumped. I don't know if it's just my mind creating scenarios, but the more I think about it, the more I feel exceptionally used. I could be being completely unfair to him, but my gut is telling me something is not right. You don't just leave a relationship for no real reason after you've been through so much together.

And I do have a dog. I got a puppy recently to give me some comfort/company whilst working at home alone. So I'm looking forward when I can take her for walks. Maybe she'll introduce me to someone at the park...

juneau Tue 18-Apr-17 13:03:26

I would also recommend some counselling OP. The way you leapt into the nursing role in your last relationship strikes me as slightly worrying. Are you someone who feels like you need to be needed? This creates an imbalance at the heart of any relationship and for a relationship to be healthy both partners need to be equal. It might be worth giving some thought to past relationships too - how have they panned out? What sort of people are you attracted to? It sounds like your ex was indeed on the rebound, so how did those big romantic gestures make you feel? Specifically, did they worry you? If the answer to that is 'no' then I would definitely want to make an appointment with relationship counsellor who can help you to recognise unhealthy behaviours and people who may not be looking for the same things as you.

Oly5 Tue 18-Apr-17 13:04:23

Fuch him, he doesn't deserve you!
I know you're upset and that takes some getting over, but don't dwell on this too much. There is somebody else out there for you!

NoSuchThingAsTooMuchCoffee Tue 18-Apr-17 13:19:20

Wow. You did a lot for him. Makes this especially bewildering and painful, I can imagine.

I don't think it's fair to question 'why' you took that nursing role. What else would you do when that happens to someone you care for? I think many would do the same. Seems a bit cold to take this as meaning you have 'issues'. I'd ignore that comment.

Chasingsquirrels Tue 18-Apr-17 13:20:53

I'm sorry you are feeling like this x
And having just read your update - OMG, poor you.

I met exH (1) at university when I was 18, got together at 19, living together already - in student house and it just progressed, married at 26, kids at 30 & 33, separated at 35.

I met late-DH (2) at 28 when he interviewed me for a job (which I got), worked there for years with not a hint of anything between us nor any interest, got together with him at 39, married at 44 and widowed at 44.

Does your work involve people at all? It must be quite isolating if not.
What about your friendships and the rest of your personal life, do you get out and about?

It's very early days for you (it's nearly 4 weeks since my DH died so I can relate to your timescale although the circumstances are obviously different). You need to give yourself dome time to heal.

I hope you have people around you who can help you with this x

RestlessTraveller Tue 18-Apr-17 13:26:41

Tinder. Although I wasn't looking for a husband, just some fun. I was on there for 1/2 am hour and two years later the wedding is booked for later this year and I've acquired a soon to be DH, a step daughter and two dogs!

Minime85 Tue 18-Apr-17 13:48:17

Hi op sorry to hear you have had such a tough time. You are still a. Any at 33! My exh and I went to school together and met by chance in Asda when we were 22. Married for 10 years but divorced at 36. I felt very low too afterwards. Went on line and met a couple of people. Been with DP for nearly 3 years now and I'm 40 in June! One of my uni friends met her she online too and they met around 37, married at 38 and first baby at 39. You have loads of time yet at 33. Get yourself in a good place and ready to meet someone before jumping in with both feet. cake

NurseButtercup Tue 18-Apr-17 13:51:59

Lillybettx

You are a kind, loving woman and sadly yes sounds like he used you.

4/5 weeks is too soon to embark upon another serious relationship. Now is your time to heal your wounds and take time to rebuild your confidence and LOVE yourself.

When I was in my 20's young, carefree and a bit too trusting and naive, my now deceased mom and auntie told me repeatedly, never marry the man who you love more than he loves you.

It's taken me 20years and a lot of heartache to finally understand what they meant.

Develop some new hobbies and interests that will help you to make new friends. Don't spend time overanalyzing why he left or didn't love you enough to stay. Go and live your life and enjoy it. You'll meet HIM along the way and have babies when the time is right.

Take care and try not to be too hard on yourself xx

maras2 Tue 18-Apr-17 14:03:25

Met 1968 at a Young Socialists meeting.
Married in 1975.
Still together with kids and grandkids.
We still share the same political views but can have healthy discussions about this and other things.
I think that we've been very lucky.We're from the same background ie solid working class families,comprehensive education and free university education.
Shit,that sounds smug,blush
I'm sure that your turn will come soon lillybett.
Good luck. Mx.

Lillybettx Tue 18-Apr-17 14:10:47

Thank you everyone.

What makes this whole thing worse is I gave up my permanent job to go freelance. I'm a magazine editor and I handed my notice into work from home. My first day freelance is the day he left me. We had had plans to work together at home (he's self employed also), and yet none of that happened. And now I'm just stuck indoors with no steer in life. No routine. No reason to get out of bed. I'm finding it really difficult to motivate myself to do anything. Be that clean and tidy my house, put make up on even, let alone try and pick up freelance commissions. It's hard to rebuild your life when you feel like you have nothing.

I have joined POF, but just don't have any interest talking to anyone. I have people telling me to not delay and get back out there. I'm 34 in August. My family especially saying I need to hurry up and meet someone. I feel this almighty pressure to settle down else I'll miss the boat. But maybe those things aren't on the cards for me.

I do overanalyze, and I know I shouldn't. I wade through websites for advice on winning the ex back, and trying to work out what I did wrong. I truly don't think I did anything wrong though. It's a classic cliche case of "it's not you, it's me." He even used the line on me.

In the end, I think i did love him more than he loved me, I just didn't realise it at the time. He pulled away ever since he got the all-clear from the doctors and I was left wondering what the hell happened after the rug was pulled from beneath me.

It's so encouraging to hear your timeframes, and how you met your DHs. I envy those that are happy around me.

I've had four long relationships since I was 17, which all ended for different reasons:

The first was 3.5 years - we were together at college and through uni and drifted apart as we grew up.
(Single for two years.)
The second was three years - he cheated and slept with another woman, having an off-on relationship with her behind my back.
(Single for two years.)
The third was 4.5 years - we tried and tried to make it work, but we were just were not compatible. Square peg and a round hole. He pulled the plug in the end because I couldn't do it, but I am thankful he did. I was heartbroken and didn't think i'd love again, but knew it was the right thing to break up.
(Single for 7 months.)
And, then this last one was 14 months long. And I had no complaints and thought he really was the one. I knew with the previous ones it wasn't right, and I could write a fair pro and con list. But with my current ex, I can't write anything in the con column. I was so happy.

Each one was a major major break up and took me a long time to get through it. But I'm hoping that there is someone else out there for me. With each of my previous breakups I never thought I could or would love again and I did. So I am holding onto hope that I will find someone again, when the time is right.

I need to get my work up and running and focus on that, and then the rest will follow. Or so they say...

Minime85 Tue 18-Apr-17 14:16:46

Honestly you are just a baby yet at 33. I think my typos didn't say that properly in last message. It is so hard and when my exh left me I didn't know how on earth id find anyone again or even if I wanted to. But I gave myself at least 6 months. I felt ready at the Christmas but made myself wait until the original date of march before I went on line. I liked pof best. Match was a waste of time. Honestly enjoy the summer. Join some meet up groups. Get out in the fresh air with your dog.

OdinsLoveChild Tue 18-Apr-17 14:22:24

I met my DH when I was 18 but we didn't really start dating properly until in our mid 20's. Neither of us wanted a long term relationship just more a FWB type scenario....we still say that 3 decades later grin I had a few relationships in between first meeting at 18 and settling down with him at 25ish.

I met him at a golf club, I was the club supervisor and he used to drink all the Drambuie hmm

He works in emergency services, I like the fact he is out of the house some days, some nights and some weird times in between. I do as I please and he does what he pleases and we meet in the middle. It works for us. We have children too and have fostered.

My advice would be don't compare your life to that of others. What works for you may not work for anyone else you know. Counselling will help you move on and it will help you see what it is you want for yourself.

maras2 Tue 18-Apr-17 14:22:54

Our DS met his now wife on POF.They were both in their early 30's and had both had previous LTR's.

FishyGill Tue 18-Apr-17 14:25:20

Love that someone met their DH at a dump grin really made me smile.

You sound so much like a friend of mine after her break up last year. She spent the last year really putting herself out there on POF and another site, can't remember the name. Every month she had a new partner who she treated like they'd been together for decades and the men quickly ran.

She got herself into a right old state thinking she'd never find anyone and she was thoroughly miserable alone. She realised that in itself was the problem and so joined a gym group. She's made amazing friends there and is now a competitive weight lifter. She goes off alone on weekends away and is much happier in herself. When we're out now, she gets so much more attention because she's so confident in herself and she can take or leave the blokes (which seems to make them tons more interested in her).

FishyGill Tue 18-Apr-17 14:26:50

Oh and I met my DH at a networking event which I was at with another friend who thought it'd be a great way to meet a bloke. We bonded over our mutual lack of interest in networking grin

redgloss Tue 18-Apr-17 14:32:19

Wow, he sounds like he had a lot of red flags and you're well rid of him OP.

I met DH aged 28, I'd taken up a hobby which I'd always wanted to do and met him through that. We've been together for 10 years. I wasn't out looking for a relationship as I'd decided to raise a baby on my own so I was focused on that, but we had a strong connection from the start.

It sounds like you've always gone for fairly serious relationships, and it's a good idea to relax and just enjoy meeting men for a bit. I had a lot of casual flings in my 20s which was a lot of fun - online dating means you can meet a variety of people and not be pressured about finding 'the one' or settling down.

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