Mil crossed line with me, I cant stand her but have to live with her

[CantCopeWithMil]

I have emailed some therapists and waiting to hear back from them. Will definalty get some professional help but any other support gratefully received.

MY DM has just died and not a word from Mil, who met her several times, to say " I am sorry for your loss" nothing. In fact she almost treated me with contempt the last time she was here, no recognition of my loss at all.

This is after a long time of being negatively impacted by her, in my life. Older DD does not warm to her at all, younger is OK at the moment but we keep getting constant pressure from FIL to get dc over there. This situation isnt going to go away.

[KungFuEric]

You have to live with her? As in resident in the same address? Or just live with her as in maintain a relationship?

[troodiedoo]

Sorry for the loss of your mother

You can't change your mils attitude and personality. You can change how you react to her or go no contact. You need your husband on board to back you up here. Is he supportive?

[CantCopeWithMil]

Thankfully no not in our house but in our lives.
Thank you Troodiedoo, yes this is what I need help with.

I am happy to go no contact with her myself as in - limit contact to as minimal as possible, but will still have her in my life, they live close, Fil is OK, DC like him much better than her, but due to family events etc, xmas and so on..will probably have to endure her.

DH has had his own major issues with them a long time ago before he met me, and he has had professional help with them, he can deal with brushing them off far easier than me.
I just find her negative and a miserable presence. She has a very narrow view of the world, very materialistic etc I hate the way she views us in general, always has some gripe never says anything positive at all.

[CantCopeWithMil]

I just find not even mentioning my DM passing the lowest of the low really. It certainly shows what she thinks of me, as if I didnt already know.

[AmserGwin]

Firstly sorry for your loss
Honestly, just stop making an effort with her, don't go around there. Be civil if you are together and let her get on with being miserable by herself

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It is a shame MIL can't bring herself to express any thoughtfulness on the loss of your DM so can imagine this hasn't endeared her to you, never mind what sort of relationship you have always had. As long as DH doesn't pressure you to mingle there seems no reason to light a fuse; just steer clear and don't engage with MIL.

Besides I think it's perfectly all right to stay away and give yourself space to cope with your loss.
Sometimes a big life event gets us evaluating what is special or superfluous and we decide what's worth our time and what isn't.
(You haven't implied as much but DH may claim not to sense any atmosphere or antagonism from MIL? He presumably trusts you in every other sphere so why not this, however you are both entitled to your own views so don't put barriers in his way seeing his parents).

If you dislike MIL isn't it better DH takes them over to PILs' place rather than they descend on you? The DCs form their own opinions and ultimately will decide for themselves whether they hang out with their grandparents.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Sorry am so slow typing I missed your 12:06 post. If DH knows what she can be like he will be well-versed in how she can be towards you.

[CantCopeWithMil]

They are very pushy so for instance we wanted to relax over Easter - they email and say " when are bringing dc over for E egg hunt" ( never a hunt just handed eggs which is fine) but Dh replies - " we want some down time after horrifcially busy few weeks"
They respond " we can pick DC for hunt and drop them back then" DH says " well, we would like to just relax with the dc today but your more than welcome to come here"
So they do - Mil sits cringing at our house, doesn't address me at all - first time she has seen me since DM etc....fil looks at funeral order of service and mil deliberately walks off.

Younger can certainly go over there but older is not keen on MIL at all.
I think they have sensed this now so the campaign is to constantly get her over. But I have seen DD and Mil in action Mil makes DD furious and rude, not like any behaviour we see at home.
Mil makes comments like " we cant buy you anything nice for the garden because we dont see you enough" She also when she seens them - here or there - starts the campaign for next time " why dont you tell mummy you want me to pick you up from school/nursery" etc....Why dont you tell mummy you want a sleep over....

We went NC for a long time but as cut off from whole family and no family on my side we thought it would be best to try again...esp as FIl seemed to have softened however they had their sleepver for two nights last year, older DD hated it and begged not to be sent there again. She said " please mummy give me a break I dont want to go there again" and kicked up a stink.

So this isnt going to go away - and its now FILS life work to get them over there....and praise MIL, he is always standing there " ooh arnt you lucky GC isnt your GM an amazing cook what an amazing cake" etc....

[CantCopeWithMil]

He knows she uses emotions as black mail and is constantly on verge of tears over mess, and any other myriad of stupid things...but while he has stood up to them, they are the toughest hardest characters I have ever come across and I have certainly got some prize people in my family but no one as forceful as they are.

[CantCopeWithMil]

The DCs form their own opinions and ultimately will decide for themselves whether they hang out with their grandparents

Older dd likes fil but not mil, so what do we do?

Its not enough for them to visit with us there or them come here it has to be alone so mil can have full control.

[Oly5]

U think you just refuse to go over there or let the dcs go there alone. Meet up in public places - national trust places/walks etc.
I don't think you should keep the grandkids from them, especially the ones that get on. You can tell your eldest DD that you understand how she feels and you'll all just put up with mil so that you can see fil.
Then just grit your teeth when you're together.

[Oly5]

I not U... Sorry for typo.
If your dcs hate going there then don't send them. I'd just let them come over or meet publicly.
And you must ignore her patheticness. Not mentioning your dm is awful but says far more about her than you

[CantCopeWithMil]

Not mentioning your dm is awful but says far more about her than you
Thats a really good point and the kind of thing that helps me deal with it thank you [flower] I am hoping counsellor will come up with stuff like that to help me deal with it.

They would never agree to meeting up in public places, mil adores her house, its better than anyone elses or anywhere else, its where she has control. I think one of her ways to get attention is to have lovely things in her home that no one can touch or use...."oh no dont scrape that, dont sit there, dont go there etc"

[CantCopeWithMil]

unless its in her home alone - there will be lifetime campaiggn to get them there.
They just cant enjoy the time when they see them. unless its right for mil.

[TheReefer]

I think one of her ways to get attention is to have lovely things in her home that no one can touch or use...."oh no dont scrape that, dont sit there, dont go there etc gosh that sounds like one of my family members

I am sorry to hear about your Mother.

It sounds like MIL is only interested in commenting on stuff that is about her and her direct family. Of which she is queen

Some MIL never see their daughter in laws as part of the proper family. Their line of vision doesn't go beyond their immediate family -
Mine doesn't, to her I'm just a cling on. On my wedding day, she asked me to stand aside so she could have a photo with 'her family'

[Hulder]

FIL is not OK, he is her enabler. As long as you see the problem as MIL and not both of them, it will not get better.

[Chavelita]

Sorry to hear about your mother, OP.

Are they English? Because honestly, as a foreigner from a culture with a much less hands-off attitude to death, I'm continually taken aback from how strangulated with awkwardness/fear of saying the wrong thing/provoking a tearful outburst many English people seem to be, even when they mean terribly well. I still remember reading with total bafflement a post on here by a woman who had just gone back to work after her mother's funeral, and not a single person at work, even her own team, even mentioned her loss, like they all had bereavement amnesia.

Didn't they attend the funeral? Did your FIL express his sorrow you lost your mother?

[gillybeanz]

So sorry for your loss.
Please tell your dh to stop inviting them over and just say no when they contact you.
I think the lack of compassion on your loss would be the last chance I gave them too.

Wait until you are feeling more in control and ready to face them and tell them you are going nc and why.
The kids don't want to go, tell them this.
You don't have to have toxic people in your life, you are in charge of your life and can decide who to keep and who's not worth it.

[ButteredCrumpetNow]

Any chance you can move away? This is my dream to get away from family but we can't afford it.
Sorry for your mums loss, these twats are nasty.

[CantCopeWithMil]

It sounds like MIL is only interested in commenting on stuff that is about her and her direct family. Of which she is queen

Yes 100% she cant bear me to mention my family at all and in 18 years has never asked me about them ever. But I know this I know they adore themselves think they are very successful, I am used to her wincing and walking off when my family is mentioned etc but this has gone too far.

FIL was much softer yes but at the time DH told them she has passed he only said to DH to pass on condolences nothing directly to me at all. Funeral was a long way away and I didnt want them there it was only small anyway literally less than 10 pople. Wwe have invited them to many family events and they have - she has never joined in and always acted in a superior removed way and made everyone feel awkard.

[CantCopeWithMil]

Buttered YES thats my dream to move away but then we have to deal with longer visits from dc to them, we have in past looked into moving away.

[CantCopeWithMil]

Mine doesn't, to her I'm just a cling on. On my wedding day, she asked me to stand aside so she could have a photo with 'her family

Disgusting. This is where you need a DH to step in and totally close that down.

If that was me - I would have said directly " excuse me what did you just say? X is our family and my chosen family, do not speak to her like that again or there will be consequences which you wont like.

[Oly5]

She's a complete cow OP. Just stand up for yourself and say "come here or meet there" or nothing.
Just don't go to her house. If she kicks up a fuss then she doesn't get to see you all. End of.
What does your DH think of the current situation?
I'm only saying don't go NC because I don't think it's fair on your kids if they have some sort of relationship with them

[Jaxhog]

On my wedding day, she asked me to stand aside so she could have a photo with 'her family'
Seriously?

I'd go minimum contact. Stay polite, but ignore texts and emails. You aren't obliged to respond, so don't.

[CantCopeWithMil]

^^ that was someone eles post, mine didnt say that


I had a health scare about two years ago - thought I had C. And totally re - evaluated relationships, there is literally no family on my side and non would put dc first.

We gave them another chance - and dc spent two nights there last year for an event. I thought if something happened to me it would be good for dc to be comfortable in another home....

But older DD came back begging not to go again and begging for a break.....so that didnt really work out.

It would have been great for us if DC had enjoyed it, I would love odd night/weekend away with Dh alone....but her behaviour and obsession with her house and cleanliness makes that impossible