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Time to bring a counseller in?

(12 Posts)
PixieMiss Tue 18-Apr-17 09:27:17

I don't know what to put in the email to the counseller. We have only been married 7 months and it has been a long time coming. We have a 1 year old.

He has been violent in the past but not for a long while. He has a nasty, nasty tongue which makes me feel like shit. His attitude is appalling and he ALWAYS has to be right, loves an opportunity to put me down.

Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect by any stretch. I'm sure he could find things about me that he doesn't like.

But now he has cheated on me, with a woman he works with. I can't bear his touch now and he makes me so angry when I look at him. Obviously the marriage can't go on like this hence the email to the counseller. I really struggle with this kind of thing and I don't know what to put. I don't even know if I am doing the right thing sad

Wormulonian Tue 18-Apr-17 09:31:44

If you are emailing a counsellor for couples counselling I would think twice - there is verbal and in the past physical abuse in your relationship ans couples therapy in that case is to be avoided. Go foe counselling on your own first

kittybiscuits Tue 18-Apr-17 09:35:09

A counsellor isn't going to make him behave like a considerate human being. You should find a counsellor for yourself only and use that space to think about why you have put up with this awful behaviour. No decent counsellor would take you on as a couple because of the abuse. An unscrupulous one might encourage you to take responsibility for his disgusting behaviour. Do not do this!

EasyToEatTiger Tue 18-Apr-17 09:38:30

None of us are perfect, but you certainly don't deserve to be put down, bullied, threatened or cheated on. You never deserve to endure violence, any more than you deserve to be bashed at the bus stop by a stranger. Your husband is sadly doing nothing more than abuse you. Look up what constitutes domestic abuse, and make a call to Womens' Aid.

Any counceller worth their salt should explain to you that in instances of domestic abuse they will not be able to help. If your husband has struck you, no matter how long ago, it leaves a long shadow. It is an offence and if you ever feel afraid, please report your husband to the police.

It's a really lonely place to be. Please seek help first for domestic abuse. You owe it to yourself and to your child. You are not alone. WA are just fantastic and will guide you through the next steps and help you with the way forward.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 18-Apr-17 09:42:40

I think emailing a divorce solicitor would be time better spent. .

Racmactac Tue 18-Apr-17 09:57:38

I agree find a divorce lawyer and spend your money on that not counselling.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 18-Apr-17 10:03:17

Do NOT enter into couples counselling with an abuser.
Any decent counsellor would not take you on together knowing the full history.
You do however, need counselling on your own.
You need to understand why you are putting up with this.
Why are you trying to fix it?
Do you really want this violent abuser as the male role model in your DD life?
She will chose just like you have and the cycle of abuse will continue.
Only you can put a stop to it.

Contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
They can help you see this for what it is and put you in touch with local support services.

You KNOW you deserve better.
You KNOW your DD deserves better.

PixieMiss Tue 18-Apr-17 11:01:07

Oh crikey. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing sad

I will look into counselling alone instead, it is probably long overdue and something has to change!

I guess I feel that I owe it to my DS (sorry, I should have specified) to try and keep the family together. My own parents divorced when I was young during a time when hardly anyones did and it was awful. Used as an example in school, custody battles, my DM struggling by.

I am also a SAHM at this moment in time, though I am taking steps to go back to work - applying for roles etc.

PixieMiss Thu 20-Apr-17 13:08:07

Sorry to double post but I agree that seperation is best. No divorce as we haven't been married a year yet. How sad is that sad

If I see the CAB will they help me on steps to take, what entitlement I will have etc? Obviously I am looking for a role in my field but these things take time and I don't think I could support myself and my DS sad

hellsbellsmelons Thu 20-Apr-17 13:48:59

Yes, that's exactly what CAB are there for.
You could also google entitledto.co.uk
And look at maintenance calculator
Just so you have an idea?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 20-Apr-17 13:59:01

I guess I feel that I owe it to my DS
Yep - you owe your DS an abuse free life.
A life where he sees women as role models.
A life where he can respect women.
A life where he sees that abuse on any level is not OK.
A life where he grows up in a loving home where mum and set an example of what relationships should look like.

Don't think for one minute, staying with an abuser is in any way good for your DS, It's not.
It's actually now child abuse to leave a child in an abusive household.
The psychological effects and long lasting trauma are not what your DS deserves.
Please remember that!

Adora10 Thu 20-Apr-17 14:10:11

If you really mean about doing right by your child then get him as far away as possible from this nasty piece of work; you talk about him like he's normal; he isn't, he's an abuser and you should not tolerate any ever from anyone.

What a horrible role model to show you children how men treat women; do it OP; you won't regret it.

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