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Am I being a doormat?

(10 Posts)
NewView Tue 18-Apr-17 09:04:50

I'm sure I probably am.
STBXH and I separated over a full year ago, although he only moved out about 6 months ago. He bought another house and left me with the family house, which I can't afford. This one was his choice anyway.
Still, he acts like he still lives here. If the DC come in with their keys- he just follows them in. Upstairs ,if they go up and on occasion straight into my room. Even if I'm just out of the shower or getting changed.
Or into the kitchen where he helps himself to my food and drink and I find him sitting at the kitchen table waiting when I get home.
He doesn't ever let me know he's coming so it's quite random when.
I am currently trying to sort out the finances through my solicitor: Up to now he pays a lot of the bills, but has only once given me maintenance which he said was going to be regular, but then seemed to change his mind. Just as he is gradually reversing on everything else he promised about money. I feel him helping me is totally conditional on me not pissing him off- I don't feel I can go on a date for example or be seen to be spending money. If I did I would be subjected to his searing criticism and sarcasm. Which is one of my reasons for divorcing.
What's my best approach here? I've just stopped waking up with my heart racing every morning and I'm managing to sleep through the night. Small things, I know, but I'm perhaps too reluctant to make things flare up again.
Anyone out there found a way to deal with people like this or does it have to get worse to get better?

SeaCabbage Tue 18-Apr-17 17:17:28

How old are the kids? Does he need to come in with them? Can you tell him you want him to just drop the kids off? ie not come in. That sounds awful having him there.

To a certain extent he may be doing this to just be a bastard but if you tell him not to, and that is isn't acceptable, he may stop.

Would you be able to explain to the kids too that you dont' want him there and to just come back to the house by themselves?

I don't know much about this but if a court has decided on finances etc surely he has to stick to the agreement, no matter what you do? When can you go to court to get it all settled?

You need your freedom don't you?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 18-Apr-17 17:24:19

Take the keys off dc for now. They can knock for now. .
Explain its not appropriate for df to just come in anymore.
My friends ex used to do this. . Even told her off for reorganising the kitchen drawers!!
And a whole lot more. . He may own the house but he doesn't live there anymore.

NewView Tue 18-Apr-17 18:30:54

Thank you for replying.
Kids are nearly adult and teenager. So no, he definitely doesn't need to come in! I don't think he is doing it to be a bastard- he just doesn't have any sense of boundaries. Yes, he comments on any new thing I've bought ( to be rude about it ) We're not very close to any formal financial arrangements because he has dragged his feet for months over providing any financial information. Also, the house won't sell.
In his mind it is all amicable. Not so much!

SandyY2K Tue 18-Apr-17 18:38:29

1) Does he still have a key to the house? If so change the locks.

2) get a lock on your bedroom door.

3) talk to your DC about arranging visits at dad's house from now on.

Explain that you need the clear boundary and separating line drawn.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Apr-17 18:42:15

Yes, you are being a doormat

I would tell him the house is your space now and he does not come in

Just give him a hard stare if he makes any comments

And if you want to buy new clothes or try some new men, you go right ahead

NewView Tue 18-Apr-17 19:08:16

Sandy- I've got the key back. Yes will put lock on bedroom door and talk to kids. I just need to tell him, don't I?
AF- I just need to pull myself together again- have been pretty assertive and run out of steam. Unless it's about the kids- I have no trouble sticking up for them.
Quite like the idea of trying some new men ( or man) blush

AnyFucker Tue 18-Apr-17 19:14:54

Go for it. It's none of his business.

user1488723505 Wed 19-Apr-17 18:58:40

Have you got a nice male friend that sbxh doesn't know that you could borrow to be sitting at the kitchen in a robe with a nice cuppa when sbxh is due to be coming round next?

NewView Wed 19-Apr-17 20:25:01

I can just imagine that 😂- unfortunately this is a very small place. The only unattached males I know are Ds's friends and they are way too young!

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