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My husband's cheated twice I'm in so much pain

(94 Posts)
PennyDreadfull Tue 18-Apr-17 01:27:24

Can someone please help me ?
Just 5 hours ago we were sitting eating dinner perfectly normally and now my worlds devastated.

I overheard him speaking to a female colleague upstairs. He thought I wasn't listening. I was eavesdropping because I've had suspicions about this woman before.

He said "I love you" and I miss you" several times and "I'll try to see you this week. "
I confronted him when he came back down.
I cried and begged for the truth.

He's eventually told me that they've slept together on two occasions in the past 4 weeks. Once when I was visiting my mother.
Apparently he "loves" her. They only met 4 months ago and work together.

He's in a hotel room right now. I'm sitting here crying. I'm leaving to go stay with my mother tomorrow.

I'm so scared. I can't even breathe right now.

iogo Tue 18-Apr-17 01:30:08

I'm so sorry you are going through this but you deserve better. You will be happier in the end. flowers

I'm sure lots will have better advice for you.

booksandhearts Tue 18-Apr-17 01:58:26

how terrible for you flowers

he loves her?, in 4 weeks?

I think he maybe loves the fact that this is all new and exciting

What are you thinking of doing?, I know life probably seems unimaginable without him in it right know, but things do get easier.

Is she in a relationship?

mylaptopismylapdog Tue 18-Apr-17 02:13:08

What a horrible shock for you, like logo I am sure you will get lots of advice tomorrow and you will be better off in the long run. It will take time to absorb what's happened, so be patient and kind to yourself. 💐

Beachhairdontcare Tue 18-Apr-17 02:19:25

Agree with mylaptop. A horrible shock and you need some time to take it all in.
I guarantee you 100% that in the long run he has done you a massive favour. I have been where you are.
Are you married, do you own property? Focus on the practicalities and get through each day as best you can. It will get better in time, and you will be happy again, probably happier than you were before...particularly if you were suspicious already.

PennyDreadfull Tue 18-Apr-17 04:20:57

Fucking fucking bitch

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan Tue 18-Apr-17 04:25:22

Don't direct your anger at her, save it for him. He's the one who's done wrong.

I'm so sorry you are going through this flowers

Patienceisvirtuous Tue 18-Apr-17 05:08:00

How awful sad

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Do you have children?

You'll get through this OP - and people here will help you do that.

Thinking of you, and here to listen x

AlfaMummy Tue 18-Apr-17 05:18:55

Is it a good idea to leave and stay with your mum? Could she come to you?

I don't know what you're thinking at the moment but if this goes to separation / divorce, expect his 'loyalty' towards you to disappear in a heartbeat.

You might want to start protecting your position now.

I'm so sorry OP but as others have said, ultimately you will come through whatever happens.

KazenoTaninoNaushika Tue 18-Apr-17 05:46:17

Penny I'm so, so sorry this awful thing has just happened to you sad. I remember your other post last week where you explained how you are having such a horrendous time with anxiety, and with your employer's awful attitude to your being signed off work. In that post, you mentioned having thoughts of wanting to self-harm - please, can I urge you to go to this website and get some help from one of these contacts to help you deal with these powerful and terrifying feelings? www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/useful-contacts/ What you are going through is the most cruel set of circumstances imaginable, and this latest blow must be utterly devastating. For your husband to do this to you when you are at your lowest ebb is unforgivable and there aren't any words from us that can take away the pain, although I wish to god I could find some. I think you need to get all the support you can right now from outside agencies: legal support to secure your financial position with regard to both your employment and your marriage; support from your GP to ensure your medication is as optimal as it can be; and perhaps most importantly counselling-type support to help you navigate your pain, heartbreak, anxiety and thoughts of self-harm. The next few months are going to require you to reach inside yourself and find phenomenal reserves of strength to deal with everything that is happening. On a physical level, try to stay as healthy as you can by eating well, avoiding alcohol, and if possible trying some breathing exercises to help you stem the anxiety and help you sleep (I swear by the Andrew Johnson apps for guided meditation, available here: www.withandrewjohnson.com/) Please do stay connected to us here on MN, especially when the feelings of pain are at their strongest. Sending you so much love and hopes for a gradual sunrise in your current dark night. You are strong, you are important, you are valuable, and you don't deserve any of this. flowers

dingodon Tue 18-Apr-17 05:53:55

No - fuckin fuckin arsehole

Kick him out permanently and don't take him back until he has done everything possible to show it was a mistake that won't be repeated - that's if you want to!

Don't forget if you hadn't overheard/eavesdropped you would still be in the dark.

Look at your life and start thinking about yourself - it's time to get selfish

TheNaze73 Tue 18-Apr-17 07:35:19

Don't blame her, she may well be single & oblivious to your existence. He's the cheat. He's basically sticking two fingers up at you & your relationship. After 4 months it's lust, so don't let that worry you. End it, you're worth so much more than that

Dozer Tue 18-Apr-17 07:37:07

He might be lying about the extent of the infidelity. He might have done this before.

Leave the bastard.

Bones2017 Tue 18-Apr-17 09:16:49

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a truly horrible and painful experience and nobody deserves it. Xx

PennyDreadfull Tue 18-Apr-17 11:46:36

She knew he was married. .I've met up with her!
She also knew we were having problems.

I am in literally so much pain right now I can't stand it. I can't believe this is happening
I keep imagining them together and I keep going over him saying I love you to her.

What do I do? we've been married for 11 years!!

I'm so frightened

Dozer Tue 18-Apr-17 11:54:54

LTB.

WhooooAmI24601 Tue 18-Apr-17 11:55:31

You know what? It doesn't matter what she knew; he was the one who said wedding vows to you. He's the fucking prick. She's a crevice, sure, but be sure to direct your vitriol at the dickhead who shat all over his marriage, not the stupid woman who was dumb enough to believe his bullshit tales and offer a sympathetic bosom.

Before you leave, get together everything you're going to need; bank statements, deeds to the house, passports, pensions/savings and change everything so that he can't access anything private of yours; online accounts, banking details, leave him with nothing to hold over you as leverage. And for goodness sake, don't do the "pick me" dance; if he wanted to be married he'd have remained faithful. Let him have his cheap cake with his cheap woman.

Dozer Tue 18-Apr-17 11:57:37

Could your problems have been due to him having "checked out" of your relationship and initiating the affair?

mimishimmi Tue 18-Apr-17 11:58:19

When you find yourself imisgining him saying 'I love you' to her, try to keep in mind that in the back of her head she is most certainly thinking " He'a cheating on his wife. He could/probably will cheat on me too". It's going to undermine the foundations of her belief in his love for her.

Keep your dignity. Don't accept him back or plead for him to cone back if he goes willingly. He's fortunately made the first move of leaving (awful when they refuse to and still carry on affair) - pack his bags for him and make it clear it's permanent. Now lawyer up.

JohnnyMarr Tue 18-Apr-17 11:58:24

I agree with Alfa that if at all possible it would be wise to ask your mum to come to you and, given that this awful situation is of your H's making, for him to be the one to have to find alternative accommodation.

If he has any compassion for you whatsoever he will at the very least allow you some breathing space while you absorb the shock.

flowers for you, I'm three months in and can totally empathise with how you're feeling.

mimishimmi Tue 18-Apr-17 11:58:30

imagining

hellsbellsmelons Tue 18-Apr-17 12:16:19

Get to your mums asap and get some RL love and support around you.
Don't keep his dirty little secret.
He's vile.
She is too but she didn't make a life long commitment to you and she didn't break your wedding vows.
HE DID THAT!!!

The hurt is indescribable.
So many of us have been there.
Your heart is literally breaking and the pain is immense.

Do you have DC?
You need to think about looking after yourself right now.
Solids were not possible for me for a good while.
Sugary tea and ice lollies.
Keeps you hydrated and your sugar levels up.

You will be running on adrenalin right now.
That will keep you going for a while but you will crash when the shock really sets in so you need to look out for yourself.

Do NOT do the 'pick me' dance.
Right now he is in lust and thinks the grass greener.
It very rarely is though.

Bones2017 Tue 18-Apr-17 12:33:53

It's not a nice road to have ahead of you OP. Don't make any big decisions yet. You won't be thinking straight. If you have joint bank accounts, take half of it now. Get in touch with tax credits and tell them. Council tax also. Tell him to leave you alone whilst you have some space. Don't beg him to stay. And most of all, you'll need people around you who love you. Get to your family lovely. Just be very gentle on yourself.

redandwhite1 Tue 18-Apr-17 22:04:57

As much as people say you should aim your anger at him I know how you feel and how much you hate her too right now

Yes it's his fault but also as much hers as she knew, it takes two

I won't rest and truly be over my hate for the OW til I have the opportunity to pin her up against a wall and give her what for

Good luck flowersflowers

honeyroar Tue 18-Apr-17 22:19:37

Yes she's a bitch. Yes she's a low specimen of a woman. Yes she knew about you, however you're nothing to her, she doesn't know the person she's hurting. HE on the other hand is meant to love you. HE knew he was married. HE is the one cheating on you. HE is the one creeping around lying and plotting. HE has done it before. You gave him a chance, he blew it. Get angry at him. Get rid of him. It's no wonder you're anxious and upset, he's giving you reason. Let him go, your life won't be any worse, even though it might feel like it. Get help and support for yourself and build yourself up without a liar to worry about.

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