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Going to bed together

(27 Posts)
DavidDavid5665 Mon 17-Apr-17 22:56:08

I'll just dive in. 90% of the time I go to bed with my wife. The other times I like to stay up late have some alone time. We have 3 kids 6,8 and 9. I get up and take care of my duties. Sometimes I'm tired and the day is hard, sometimes that is and my wife also has times the she has been out late and finds the day hard.

I have some time off so am enjoying staying up a bit later and not having to get to bed. I knew something was going to be said. I prepared for it. My wife feels we are drifting apart because over the last 3 weeks I've not come to bed with her for say 7 of those days.

Just wanted thoughts really

f83mx Mon 17-Apr-17 22:59:03

You're a grown up, you can go to bed when you want if, as you say, you still get up and share responsibilities etc.

0hCrepe Mon 17-Apr-17 22:59:35

I always go to bed earlier than dh now. I used to want him to come at the same time to have that togetherness but I gave up and now I've learned to like my time in bed on my own.

DavidDavid5665 Mon 17-Apr-17 23:16:01

Thanks everyone. I understand that togetherness and we have that but just not all the time and that's not a problem for me

Dieu Mon 17-Apr-17 23:39:12

I used to stay up later than my ex husband, but often fall asleep on the sofa blush. It really was one of the many nails in the coffin. However, if you are actually making it up to the bed, then I don't really see the problem. Definitely nice to mostly go to bed together, at the same time though. Bedside reading lamps are a godsend for the one not ready to fall asleep!

Obsidian77 Mon 17-Apr-17 23:44:59

Is there anything going on at the moment other than you staying up a bit later? It seems a bit extreme for her to think you are drifting apart if this is all.
I often stay up later than DH to deal with admin or to read a bit because we have 3 DCs and sometimes i just need the downtime and silence to decompress.
Other times he stays up to watch bloody cricket from Australia or NZ.
This works for us.

Darbs76 Mon 17-Apr-17 23:58:56

I don't see a problem, it's nice to want to unwind when the kids are in bed. Maybe agree you will stick to 2 nights a week if she really has a problem, or maybe she can stay up with you at the weekend.

sniffle12 Tue 18-Apr-17 00:08:10

My DH often likes to stay up later than me but we'll compromise in that when I want to go to bed, he might come up with me and we'll have a bit of a cuddle/chat/debrief on the day, then as I'm ready to settle down and lights out, he'll go back downstairs. Essentially he tucks me in haha grin

I do really like the feeling of actually falling asleep with him, which we often do, but I wouldn't want him lying there wide awake just because of me.

DavidDavid5665 Tue 18-Apr-17 00:27:14

Obsidian** I don't know because even if there was I have to wait for her to express it somehow. This though I feel has always been the same for the last 11 years. If I don't come to bed at the same time as her over a small period of time results in I feel like we're drifting apart.

DavidDavid5665 Tue 18-Apr-17 00:27:44

Sniffle - That sounds lovely.

Mari50 Tue 18-Apr-17 10:29:49

My ex preferred me to go to bed at the same time as him but wouldn't tolerate any reading lights or iPad use, I was expected to lie in the dark and fight off his advances and go to sleep.
Another reason he's a bastard and I'm well rid.

Mari50 Tue 18-Apr-17 10:30:40

I started finding a lot of ironing to do around about 9.30 pm latterly. . .

Nicole69 Tue 18-Apr-17 11:15:22

I think going to bed at the same time is really important (in my relationship at least). We both work ridiculously long and late hours and spend some time eating and watching tv and generally catching up. In bed, we do some more chatting, always, and DP has always needed some background noise to get to sleep so we listen to and doze off to something from youtube most nights.

It would bother me if he wanted to stay up and we missed out on this close time together.

deydododatdodontdeydo Tue 18-Apr-17 11:21:59

I need a lot more sleep than DH so go to bed earlier, and he likes to stay up a bit later as he says he feels like he has very little down time otherwise. He works till 6 then looks after the kids until 9, so if he goes to bed when I do at 10 he only has an hour of evening.
It's nice to go to bed at the same time, though.

Joysmum Tue 18-Apr-17 11:25:25

I don't think it's important to go to bed at the same time to feel connected.

The fact that she feels that way tells me you both need to focus on your connection at others times so this isn't a problem.

I'd advise that you chat this through so your waking hours are more focused on your relationship.

MysweetAudrina Tue 18-Apr-17 12:02:49

I think it's ok to go to bed together if both of you are tired at the same time otherwise its up to each individual to decide on their own bedtime. I think if one partner was off work or retired and started living on another time zone then that might cause problems. Like if one partner has to be up for work and the other is staying up til 2am and then lying on in the morning I would find that difficult as I would feel we were both just doing our own thing. I tend to go up to bed early and read or go on my tablet whereas dh prefers to watch TV. Can you compromise maybe go to bed 4 nights together and decide which of the other 3 would be best to stay up later?

user1486956786 Tue 18-Apr-17 12:34:48

I'd love to get a head start before the snoring kicks off. She's a lucky woman :-)

Oly5 Tue 18-Apr-17 12:36:59

I think going to bed at separate times is fine! We do it
Ask her why she thinks you're drifting apart. Is it just this or something else?

gingerscot Tue 18-Apr-17 12:47:21

Are you still getting up and dealing with your responsibilities? Or does "tired and finding the day hard" mean that you're abdicating work to your wife or are more grumpy - that would annoy me. You're on leave from work, not from your father and house life and you should be stepping up there.

Christonacracker Tue 18-Apr-17 13:01:14

DH and I love each other and have an enjoyable sex life but are basically incompatible sleeping partners. I like an early night, he likes to stay up late. I wriggle like a snake in a sack, he lies still like a corpse. He snores like a maniac, I need total silence. Can you see where this is going? We sleep in separate rooms! I think some people view sleeping arrangements as a barometer for the health of their relationship. Indeed DH viewed his move to the spare room as the beginning of the end, but if anything it saved our marriage. Is your DW insecure in other areas of your relationship?

PuntCuffin Tue 18-Apr-17 13:11:19

We almost never go to bed at the same time.
DH gets up at 5.30 so likes to go to bed by 9.30. I don't​ get up til 7.00 so tend to stay up later.

Minime85 Tue 18-Apr-17 13:53:16

My exh and I never went to bed together as he worked shifts that culminated in at least 2 10pm-7am. I hated it. It's part of what broke us. I think going to be together more often than not is important

Naicehamshop Tue 18-Apr-17 14:07:26

Everyone is different on this but I think one partner trying to insist on their OH going to bed at the same time is rather controlling, especially as the op doesn't go to bed later every night.

If my dh tried to tell me when to go to bed I'd be extremely pissed off. angry

kirstxx Tue 18-Apr-17 14:09:52

I am one of those that likes going to bed at the same time as my OH. I understand what your wife means about drifting apart because I've had similar feelings BUT I do think 7 days in 3 weeks isn't unfair to her unless they were all quite close together.

I struggle to sleep without my OH because I'm slightly pathetic but I wouldn't ever stop him from staying up/try to guilt him out of it. I do make a point of saying to him if we haven't had any quality alone sexy time and he hasn't come to bed at the same time as me for a few days that I would like him to..

Possibly some quality time before bed might make her feel more at ease when you don't go at the same time, though I understand that's not always possible..

DavidDavid5665 Tue 18-Apr-17 22:00:44

Thanks everyone. Appreciate your thoughts.

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