A male friend came to visit today and I keep going over a couple of comments he made. He's late 30s, single, to the best of my knowledge hasn't really had a long term relationship but is a decent guy, he's quite well off and independent, works a lot, travels for work. I'm a couple of years younger, and was in a similar situation life-wise until 4 years ago when I was kind of having a breakdown, made some poor decisions, ended up pregnant and have raised a child on my own. The father left early in the pregnancy and I didn't so much decide to keep the baby, was more in such a state that I never made a decision - I don't regret it in one sense, my daughter is gorgeous, but those 4 years have gone by in a flash, and they have been so hard. There has been noone there to see it really. I went from being single, independent, someone who liked travelling and generally enjoying life, to what I am now - I feel so much older than my years, frumpy and fat, I live in the middle of nowhere, barely go out except to work full time and then look after my daughter and a house, and that's life. I've had poor mental health and still struggle daily to think positively (have been on an NHS waiting list for talking therapies for a very long time). I don't know many people and don't know how to get out to meet anyone new, or where I would do that, even if I could afford a babysitter. I'm worried that I lean on the few people I do know too much already, and hate asking for favours because there is very little I can offer in return. I feel like everyone else has someone to talk to and I don't, from a conversation about the most basics of things to anything that matters.
The comments he made were basically that from Facebook it looks like I have no friends, and he more or less asked whether that's true. I kind of fudged the answer but it upset me because while it probably is the harsh truth, I don't know how to change it. Other mums don't seem interested in more than occasional play dates, colleagues live too far away as I commute an hour each way to work and am constrained by childcare hours so can't stick around to socialise. I often feel like I'm a loser, but also recognise I put myself in this situation, so I don't complain or try not to, to other people, though in my mind everything seems very bleak.
The other thing he did was not so much comment, as help me out (which was great, it was an odd job that I would have struggled with myself) and then practically bolt. I offered a drink, he didn't want one, he just wasn't very chatty, and then made his excuses and left. I don't want to read too much into it, but it made me feel like even more of a loser, like I'm not even interesting enough for a basic conversation. Maybe I'm not, it's the most likely explanation.
On top of this I was thinking to myself the other day, that I've never really had what you might call a proper, normal, healthy relationship. I se friends in lovely relationships - I know they take effort, give and take, but the do exist. I've begun to think that by this age and with a small child, and not even getting out of the house by myself let alone dating, I might go my whole life without really experiencing just a decent, normal relationship. Thinking that just makes me more upset though. Even right now, all I have to console myself with is a message to anonymous MN, cleaning up my house for the umpteenth time today, a cup of tea and probably repeat play of something on netflix. I'm not tired but the house is so silent, I don't normally notice that but it's different when I've actually had a visitor and they are gone again.
Sorry, I know this just all sounds full of self pity.
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Full of self pity
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usernamechange6579 · 17/04/2017 22:11
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