Note - have name changed and altered a couple of details here, to avoid being outed.
I will try and keep this brief. DH and I have been together about 15 years and married for about half of that. We have young children. When we first became serious, we talked about traveling the world together and living abroad at some point. I was an avid traveler when we met. That didn't happen. When we agreed to settle down, have kids, etc we talked about him possibly being a SAHP. I was the higher earner then and very focused in my career. That didn't happen.
We didn't travel when I wanted to because he didn't want to leave his job at the time. We relocated a few years ago...not overseas but away from friends and family. I quit my job and became a SAHM (well actually a WAHM). It was supposed to be a temporary move before moving overseas. It wasn't. His career has since gone from strength to strength. He will openly say that it's because of my support. I gave him the confidence to go for jobs/promotions he wouldn't have done otherwise. The fact I have been a SAHP has meant he's been able to be flexible at work, travel, etc. His income (which we see as family money) has sky rocketed. My career options have nose dived and my earning potential has, obviously, done so too because of the time of out that field.
The decisions were, on the surface, joint decisions that would benefit us both. The move really helped his career. I got to be able to spend more time with the kids when they were little (I was in a long hours line of work before). The kids like having me around. He has now reached a point where he can get flexibility at work and so has more time with the kids (and me) too, much more than many working parents.
However, I also feel that they have largely been following a path that has suited him and what he has wanted from life and I have managed to find the upsides for me too. However, I have been affected by more downsides than him. I've had the loss of a career at which I was pretty successful and well paid, being one. The other major things have been shelving my dream to travel or live abroad and living away from family and friends with a husband working long hours and traveling a lot (in work he has chosen and loved).
As a result, I have felt a bit lost about who I am and my own needs. This has bubbled away in the background but is now coming out in huge waves of resentment. That in turn is affecting my marriage and I'm becoming someone I don't like. I knew this was always a risk and therefore always tried to find positives, for me, in the choices we made. I've kept myself employable with a bit of work from home. That meant I've kept my mind active, on non-family stuff, and had something for me mentally and emotionally (and financially). But I can't help still feeling resentful that essentially every major life decision that we've made in the past few years as, really, been for him and my career and life dreams have gone by the wayside. It doesn't help that I always swore that I'd never do that.
I am now finding the resentment is spilling into day to day areas of our lives. But maybe that's because the attitude that his needs come first is too?? We have a principle of family money....but he has more disposable income each month. We have an agreed split of household chores but he no longer does most of his. Things like that.
I have now become a bit of a bitch towards him. Cold, critical, outright mean sometimes. It's not nice for either of us and definitely not good for our children. How do we/I work through this?
Sorry that ended up longer than expected!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Where to go from here with husband?
Notgrown · 17/04/2017 19:53
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.