DP miserable. How can I help?

[sparklingwaterandice101]

My DP started a new job just before Christmas. Last week he came home from work and burst into tears. He's completely miserable and finding it difficult to cope under the pressure. I've never seen him cry in the 5+ years we've been together.

He said he made a mistake in some work he was doing that may end up costing the company money. Not a huge amount but still not good in his first few months. The thing is it was doing a piece of work unrelated to his experience and field. They seem to making the job different to the one he applied for and is actually good at. The senior staff member didn't take it well at all and offered little support other than to blame him.

It's been hanging over his head all Easter and he's been utterly miserable. He cried twice over the past few days and it just breaks my heart. He's a really kind and loving person and I hate seeing him like this.

I've been trying to support him as best I can. Saying everyone makes mistakes in work it's how you deal with it, that he's very talented and respected in his career (he is) and when he returns after Easter speaking to his boss about what went wrong as planned and raising the issues he has told me about. But I know he won't be as assertive as I would be and won't fight his own corner as well as he should.

He's been applying for another job he says he's desperate to get but it'll be effectively taking a step back career-wise and also a pay cut. He said he doesn't care the last few months have been horrendous and he can't deal with it any longer.

I support him in his choice though worry he will regret the move will have on his career. But I'm also worried because we were planning on starting to try for a baby next year and what will this do to our finances if he has less money? If money worries mean I have to reduce my maternity leave I worry I'll come to resent him. But at the same time I love him so much and it's been awful seeing him so unhappy over Easter.

Any advice?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Bless him - being miserable at work is awful. It really overspills into the rest of your life and you can't seem to focus on anything else.

I think you really need to prioritise his mental health here. The fact that he's cried twice over the Easter weekend having never cried in front of you before, tells me something is massively wrong. His happiness so, so much more important than a promotion and the "right" career move, especially in the long run.

I do get it's hard when you've got plans, but you're not planning on trying for a baby until next year - it's only April. Things could change a LOT in the next 8 months, but I think you really need to focus on getting him out of this job before you think of anything else.

Resenting him for taking a job that doesn't make him burst into tears isn't a good thing. Could you work overtime or anything to boost your savings to enable you to take all your maternity leave? I don't think relying on his job for that is a good idea, really.

[sparklingwaterandice101]

Thanks so much for responding.

You're right no job is worth it. No, I earn a flat salary so couldn't do overtime. But to be fair my salary is a good one and would be pretty high where we live. I maybe just need to accept that we'd need to make sacrifices in other areas.

But I know you're right. Getting a new job will be priority and then we can worry about everything else after!

Thanks again

[Msqueen33]

My dh was miserable in a job two jobs back. He got a bad feeling when he was interviewed by the boss. Turns out he was right. He was miserable. He's very good at his job but his boss shut him out of important meetings and was awful. He's moved onto two different companies and been successful at both and is highly thought of in his previous role and his current job. Leaving that first job was the best thing he did. A bad job is misery inducing.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Good luck

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

You've got a nerve saying you might resent him!!!

I wonder how he would feel if he knew that?

How about you get behind him? You chose him and maybe the fact he isn't assertive was something to do with your attraction to him!

[DavidDavid5665]

I'm a firm believer these days in that you can't help people or make them happy.You can give them support so ask him what he needs, just communicate with each other but let's not forget your needs too in all this because they can become lost too.

[tallwivglasses]

He's obviously got some lovely qualities but fighting his corner isn't one of them. You're a team - help him. If they're changing the nature of his job has he had adequate training? Maybe that was his manager's oversight - certainly not you DH's fault. He should have a right to take a representative with him to any meetings? Is he a union member? Have you tried ACAS?