Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Friends of the opposite sex!

(69 Posts)
Nameswitch101 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:08:01

I've name changed as my partner knows my usual user name.
Not really sure where to start and I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I'm very confused and can't talk to anyone in real life.

I've been with my dp almost four years and we have one dc, we're relatively young and dc was unplanned.

A few months ago I made friends with a dad at a baby group, we were both at a bit of a loss and not fitting in with the other mums and got chatting. He's a fair bit older than me, but we have a lot of similar shared intrests and we hit it off. All completely platonic, I told dp about him the same evening and I wasn't in the slightest attracted to him.

Since then we've become good friends, we meet with our dc a few times a week. He's met my dp, I've met his wife, all good. We added each other on social media and message each other, generally to sort out meeting with dc, and general stuff.

Just recently though, over the last few weeks really. We've been messaging a lot more, nothing untoward or anything I wouldn't be ok with my dp seeing. I look forward to it though, if I've messaged him I'm waiting for his reply, if I see a message from him, I get that fluttery excited feeling you get when you first start seeing someone.

Where as at first I wouldn't have said he was attractive at all, and he's really not my type. The more time I spend with him, the more attractive he seems. I know that's probably just because we get on, but I've got other male friends and never felt like that about them.

I'm confused and unsure about what I'm feeling. I honestly would have put him in the category of a completely safe friend as he's just so not my type.

Now I'm not so sure, and don't know if I should speak to my dp about it or to him or just try distance myself from him, but he is a good friend and I don't have any parent friends really.

Chamonix1 Mon 17-Apr-17 18:37:53

You need to distance yourself.
Maybe catch up once those feelings have gone but keep the distance there.
Definitely distance yourself OP.

yetmorecrap Mon 17-Apr-17 18:49:10

This was how my H ended up having an emotional affair. It was a time when he felt a bit low and it gave him a buzz, once that buzz is there it can be intoxicating, especially if you have been with husbands or partners a few years. It's very easy then to feel there is a spark, because in LTR the spark often fades once real life gets in the way. I would say if you want to stay with your partner , pull back.

Thephoneywar Mon 17-Apr-17 19:55:18

How well do you and your dh communicate, in general and in terms of sex, relationships and happiness. Would you be able to talk to him about it? Would he understand and be able to work with you to keep your friendship with this man and not let it slip into affair territory?

If you can't talk to him you either have to distance yourself from the friend or risk this escalating into an emotional or physical affair. Unless you can control your own behaviour.

Do you want to have an affair with this man?

Nameswitch101 Mon 17-Apr-17 20:44:10

I definitely don't want an affair Thephoney there's no way I'd let that happen and I'm sure he wouldn't either.

My relationship with dp is really good, no lack of spark.

I find the idea of telling him difficult, because I really don't know what I'd be telling him! He did mention over the weekend we'd been messaging a lot, but in a relaxed way he didn't seem bothered by it at all.

I think distance might be the best thing Chamonix but I just don't know how to, he's already messaged to see if I want to meet tomorrow as our normal group is not on, as its school holidays here.

Chamonix1 Mon 17-Apr-17 20:47:53

I'd honestly just make an excuse not to go.
I'd keep on making them I know it wouldn't be easy and if he asks maybe honesty would be a good policy if you feel close enough to him.
After you've had some time apart and got your head straight you could meet maybe for coffee and catch up with the children but be more aware to keep those boundaries firmly in place.
It's hard because you say you don't have many parent friends and I can relate but it's better to offend him then lose your dp or hurt him.
I can see how easily these things happen, I'm sure he's not oblivious to it all either so deep down may know why you're distancing yourself.

BerlinerBelle Mon 17-Apr-17 20:50:46

The fact that your DP mentioned it probably means he's not that OK about it. He's noticed.

If I were you I would take a step back. Tell him you are busy tomorrow - make an effort to meet other friends and limit this guy to a week. The reality is that we all fancy lots of people in our lives and that we are all capable of having affairs (emotional or otherwise).

Nameswitch101 Mon 17-Apr-17 21:30:50

I've told him I'm meeting a friend tomorrow Chamonix which I wasn't, but I am now. He then asked for the rest of the week though. I don't have any other parent friends and I'll see him next week when groups back on, unless I don't go. But I really like going.
I don't think any boundaries have been crossed though, we only talk about our dc and general stuff, not our partners or anything intimate.

No I really don't think he's bothered Berliner he said it as a general 'you've been on your phone loads' I said who it was and he just asked if I'd told him something I was supposed to tell him and asked if he was having a nice easter.
He's not a jealous boyfriend at all, but if he was bothered he would say.

Darbs76 Mon 17-Apr-17 21:39:55

Definitely put some distance between you. Can you just say you've got an usually busy week on but will catch up at the groups next week. If you don't want an affair then you need to make sure a line isn't crossed. Maybe it's just friendship you're lacking in and that's why you're excited when he messages, it can be lonely sometimes being a SAHP. It's your decision if you want to stop this friendships altogether but sounds like it would be a shame but the last thing you want is an affair. It's very easy to say you don't want one but sometimes before you know it you're in deep - don't let it get that far. I wouldn't speak to your H about it at this point. You could even say to this friend in a jokey way your H has commented you're on your phone too much so you're making an effort to limit your social media time at the moment. He might get the message you want to cool things down re messaging all the time

Thinkingofausername1 Mon 17-Apr-17 22:15:01

It's fine to have male friends. I'm actually starting to prefer my male friends to female because, I don't get any shit from them. However, I only am in contact when it's appropriate e.g. Kids coming round. You have to respect your dh; e.g. would you like it if a woman was that keen on meeting him out of work etc

Nameswitch101 Tue 18-Apr-17 07:01:00

I think it's friendship with another parent I'm missing Darbs I've got lots of friends but none with children.
I think that must be my attraction too, he's a really good dad. My dp has struggled with being a dad and although he's been great and really trying, he has to try at it. My friend loves being a dad, it's so natural to him.

I really don't see it becoming an affair, I don't think he thinks of me in that way and I'm really not the affair type.
I feel guilty enough, feeling like this about him.

I did think it might be a good idea to tell him dp has expressed concern over the amount we message. I'm just worried in case he suggests speaking to him or something.

It's horrible, the only thing I can liken it too, is when I was in high school and I had a crush on one of my teachers. Which is silly and I think he'd probably be really offended at that!

Nameswitch101 Tue 18-Apr-17 07:06:04

I think my title is misleading Thinking I just didn't know what to put it as. It's not a problem if me having a friend of the opposite sex, I've got a few and my dp is fine with it. It's my feelings for this one.

My dp is fine with the meeting up it's always with our dc, but honestly don't think my dp would be bothered if we met without the dc either.

Wristy Tue 18-Apr-17 07:33:30

Read back your posts op. You dismissed your partner's comment regarding your phone use. He has noticed and he does care (why say it if he doesn't).

On the other hand you're overly worried about what your friend would be offended by (a crush on a teacher is still a crush).

You seem to be back-pedalling fast in order to justify not backing off a bit here. You know you should, you just don't want to.

Chamonix1 Tue 18-Apr-17 07:39:35

Just reply vaguely, I'll have to check but this week is pretty busy; hope you had a good bank holiday!
You don't need to give reasons and excuses, if he knows you probably aren't doing anything he should get the idea.
I didn't say you have crossed boundaries but to put them in place, firmly if you do see him again. Keep things very much based around the children and your conversations so.
It's okay to find someone attractive but it's not a great idea to hand around wth someone who you have a "crush" on. It's just temptation. If my DH did this I'd be devastated.
Well done for recognising it's inappropriate just make sure you act on it. smile

Nameswitch101 Tue 18-Apr-17 07:49:29

I'm honestly not back peddling Wristy if my partner is bothered by something he tells me.

I've said I'm busy this week and I've made plans with friends and a lunch out with my grandma, so I really am busy.
I think that's what's confusing me Chamonix I wasn't attracted to him and objectively I know my partner is much better looking. I've never been in the situation where I've been solely attracted to someone based on their personality, so it's really thrown me.

Cricrichan Tue 18-Apr-17 07:57:34

I think that getting some distance between you and cutting down on messages is good. Ideally, try and get other mum friends so you can be part of a group and not have so much one to one time.

I wouldn't tell your husband because nothing has happened or will happen and it's not that unusual to have a little crush on someone.

KateDaniels2 Tue 18-Apr-17 09:00:30

How would you feel if your dh was texting a female friend, then he became attracted to her, carried on texting and admitted part of the attraction was because she took to being a mother better than you?

noego Tue 18-Apr-17 09:01:02

I have friends of the opposite sex. Their OH's know about it. We meet for coffee, breakfast, lunch etc. It is purely platonic. There is no threat to their relationships. It is not full on. Odd messages. Meetings infrequent. Its a comfortable relationship between us. No guilt.
If you are having feelings other than just friendship then it is going in the wrong direction

Thephoneywar Tue 18-Apr-17 09:08:10

How do you know that this friend is a good dad? Perhaps behind closed doors he struggles too and puts on a brave face in public. You're only seeing one side of him, the side he projects to friends and new people.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Apr-17 09:25:05

if I see a message from him, I get that fluttery excited feeling you get when you first start seeing someone.

It's already escalating so you should think very carefully what you do next.

My dp is fine with the meeting up it's always with our dc, but honestly don't think my dp would be bothered if we met without the dc either. Because he doesn't yet know you get that "fluttery excited feeling" when you receive a text from the other man.

heron98 Tue 18-Apr-17 09:30:16

You say you can't see it becoming an affair and you're not the type but I wouldn't be so sure.

I cheated on my boyfriend when I was 18 (so no marriage or kids but still shitty) and it started exactly as you said - messaging about innocent things, increased frequency of messages, starting to look forward to the messages, feeling excited about contact, then hiding it from your partner. It's the start of many stories.

I think you need to get out now before you get sucked in. Invest the energy you're using on this other guy into your relationship before you do something you regret.

WannaBe Tue 18-Apr-17 09:39:38

"I really don't see it becoming an affair, I don't think he thinks of me in that way and I'm really not the affair type." but in the beginning you didn't think he was attractive either, and now...?

Things change, and you're playing with fire.

Paperdoll16 Tue 18-Apr-17 09:59:02

I actually admire your honesty with coming on here and confronting your 'stepping over the boundary' feelings for a friend of the opposite sex. Many people would just carry on and end up in all sorts of bother, EA's or even PA's without ever intending to.

I do agree you need to back off from him if that's how you feel though. That is if you love and respect your DH enough to trust he would do the same for you.

Nameswitch101 Tue 18-Apr-17 15:49:10

Thank you all!
I've been out with a different friend today so have only just had time to reply.
He's good as in wanting to do the dad things Thephoney just for instance he's split the maternity leave with his wife, which my partner can't understand at all!

I seem to struggle making mum friends, I go to lots of groups and things but just don't seem to click with any. It's quite isolating as I've never struggled with making friends and my baby is really good, so I have a lot of free time.

That's why I wondered if I should tell my dp Donkey

I find it so hard to not answer messages though, he's sent 4 today and I'm trying to just not reply, but I feel bad doing that!

Cricrichan Tue 18-Apr-17 16:13:48

Maybe organise some stuff to do together as families over the weekend? Do a group chat so start including your spouses?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now