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Separation from H, an old friend, and solace in writing poetry

27 replies

PinkGlitter17 · 17/04/2017 16:45

Just sharing.

I'm going through splitting from my H of 8 yrs, after 15 years together. 2 DCs, 3 and 8.
It's hard going from day to day, really - as shit as things have been in the marriage, I am grieving for the brilliant times we have had, and the things we would have done as a family (trips to great places etc).

I recently had some time alone - H took DCs to ILs for a week - so I took myself on a little holiday to my old stomping-ground. I met up with an old friend of 17 years, who is 22 years older than me, has been many things to me, and was, for a long time, a huge, huge crush (and we took things quite far at one point - loads of passionate kissing, cuddling in bed, going out, almost getting to the undressing point - but it just wasn't right - all prior to meeting H, btw). We have been through fallings-out, misunderstandings, and not seeing each other for years at a time, and have come out the other side as dear friends with a lot of love and fondness for each other. Soulmates, I think.

Recently we met up again, I told him face-to-face all about me & H, and he listened and was beautifully neutral, which was really helpful. We had a couple of pints in a sunny pub garden, had a deep chat and also lots of laughing and reminiscing.
It was just beautiful to be in each other's company again, and to feel heard.
He is such a tender soul and such a gorgeous man that I can't say I have no spark for him, because I do. Such a contrast with H. It makes me sad when I realise the contrast. The comfort of my friend is, admittedly, very alluring, when I am going through a very painful time.
We live about 200 miles apart, and neither of us is up for being together, with anyone actually, and our friendship really is too precious. It's the softness and the comfort that's drawing me in.

I've got back into writing poetry in the last few months, and after writing a poem late last year (about the end of a HOT fling I had with a guy for a couple of years), I wrote another a couple of nights ago that was absolutely about this old friend: our meeting, and the extreme depth of our connection and my crush on him; like, how things were through my eyes and in my dreamy mind. It reads like a love poem, but I've found that I like to use references that only I will understand, but that can be interpreted in different ways. There's a part about 'darkness', for example, which reads as if it's about making love at night-time, whereas it's actually about his emotional darkness when he found out that his daughter had made a suicide pact and had very nearly gone ahead with it.
I posted both of my poems online, and sent him a link so he could read them, and he didn't realise that one was about him. I needed to express the things I wrote, and it would be silly to tell him it was about him. Writing this stuff is about closure - getting it out of my head and out into the world. I just like the fact that it's 'out there', and that, to all intents and purposes, it just looks like I have a way with words and written some beautiful stuff - the people it's about may never know it's about them. And I like that.

Anyone else out there who likes to write poetry to get thoughts out into the world?

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PinkGlitter17 · 17/04/2017 16:50

Song and Lament

I met you in Summer. It was instant: our knowing of each other, our kindred
soul-recognition.
Your voice, familiar from the first moment; your heart, poised.

We circled each other in a labyrinth dance, edging closer,
toward a meeting-place in a wooded glade, sunlight speckling the floor;
birdsong and cool green all around us.

Sunshine and wild meadow flowers turned to long evenings
of red wine and starlight blankets under your window. Heart caressed,
I melded myself into beautiful shapes for you, and fluttered in the warm night breeze;
pinned back my long hair with one hand, and sang songs
more beautiful than I thought I would ever know.

When darkness came, I touched your fingers as you talked;
held your trembling hands, curled my soft arm around your soft neck
cupped your beautiful face in my hands, kissed your cheek, your lips
Watched your sad eyes and anchored you here, as though you might
float away
and I would no longer have
you.

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