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Separation from H, an old friend, and solace in writing poetry(28 Posts)
I'm going through splitting from my H of 8 yrs, after 15 years together. 2 DCs, 3 and 8.
It's hard going from day to day, really - as shit as things have been in the marriage, I am grieving for the brilliant times we have had, and the things we would have done as a family (trips to great places etc).
I recently had some time alone - H took DCs to ILs for a week - so I took myself on a little holiday to my old stomping-ground. I met up with an old friend of 17 years, who is 22 years older than me, has been many things to me, and was, for a long time, a huge, huge crush (and we took things quite far at one point - loads of passionate kissing, cuddling in bed, going out, almost getting to the undressing point - but it just wasn't right - all prior to meeting H, btw). We have been through fallings-out, misunderstandings, and not seeing each other for years at a time, and have come out the other side as dear friends with a lot of love and fondness for each other. Soulmates, I think.
Recently we met up again, I told him face-to-face all about me & H, and he listened and was beautifully neutral, which was really helpful. We had a couple of pints in a sunny pub garden, had a deep chat and also lots of laughing and reminiscing.
It was just beautiful to be in each other's company again, and to feel heard.
He is such a tender soul and such a gorgeous man that I can't say I have no spark for him, because I do. Such a contrast with H. It makes me sad when I realise the contrast. The comfort of my friend is, admittedly, very alluring, when I am going through a very painful time.
We live about 200 miles apart, and neither of us is up for being together, with anyone actually, and our friendship really is too precious. It's the softness and the comfort that's drawing me in.
I've got back into writing poetry in the last few months, and after writing a poem late last year (about the end of a HOT fling I had with a guy for a couple of years), I wrote another a couple of nights ago that was absolutely about this old friend: our meeting, and the extreme depth of our connection and my crush on him; like, how things were through my eyes and in my dreamy mind. It reads like a love poem, but I've found that I like to use references that only I will understand, but that can be interpreted in different ways. There's a part about 'darkness', for example, which reads as if it's about making love at night-time, whereas it's actually about his emotional darkness when he found out that his daughter had made a suicide pact and had very nearly gone ahead with it.
I posted both of my poems online, and sent him a link so he could read them, and he didn't realise that one was about him. I needed to express the things I wrote, and it would be silly to tell him it was about him. Writing this stuff is about closure - getting it out of my head and out into the world. I just like the fact that it's 'out there', and that, to all intents and purposes, it just looks like I have a way with words and written some beautiful stuff - the people it's about may never know it's about them. And I like that.
Anyone else out there who likes to write poetry to get thoughts out into the world?
Song and Lament
I met you in Summer. It was instant: our knowing of each other, our kindred
Your voice, familiar from the first moment; your heart, poised.
We circled each other in a labyrinth dance, edging closer,
toward a meeting-place in a wooded glade, sunlight speckling the floor;
birdsong and cool green all around us.
Sunshine and wild meadow flowers turned to long evenings
of red wine and starlight blankets under your window. Heart caressed,
I melded myself into beautiful shapes for you, and fluttered in the warm night breeze;
pinned back my long hair with one hand, and sang songs
more beautiful than I thought I would ever know.
When darkness came, I touched your fingers as you talked;
held your trembling hands, curled my soft arm around your soft neck
cupped your beautiful face in my hands, kissed your cheek, your lips
Watched your sad eyes and anchored you here, as though you might
and I would no longer have
I don't think I could write poetry (haven't really tried) but I absolutely love it and you sound a very poetic type . It's a great way to get in touch with parts of yourself that need waking up or nurturing I think. I get that from reading poetry, there's something about the relative sparseness of it that is very powerful, more so than fiction even. It's like anything extraneous is stripped away.
It must be so tough going through divorce. Your friendship with the older man sounds lovely and really rather romantic!
Are you sure he doesn't know it's about him? It wouldn't take a genius, OP!
Eastername - yes, I like what you said about the sparseness. And yes, it is rather romantic! We wouldn't make a good couple, but it's a tender thing of fondness and respect. A thing of great beauty in dark and shitty times.
RebornSlippy - I know! I know! Perhaps he does know. Maybe he knows, and can handle it. Maybe it's a big ego-boost for him, at the age of 64 ! It doesn't need saying, I don't think.
Oh god, do I sound like a girl with a crush again? I just get so much gentleness from him, he has such a tender soul, and it is in such contrast to the lack of kindness, love and care from H. Easy to feel beautiful and cherished. We won't be together, so I feel like I can just enjoy letting some lovely love into my life. If we became more than friends, that would be the end of our friendship, or it would at least change it too much for us to still truly have it.
But if we /could/ be together, I would. I've got butterflies thinking about it.
He'd surely know it's about him.
Out of interest, his name doesn't begin with C does it?
I think it's lovely to have someone in your life who makes you feel safe, understood and beautiful. It sounds like that's the kind of connection you have and there's no need to make it anything else if that makes sense. That said, perhaps a shag could be on the horizon? Sorry to lower the tone but it could be great to connect sexually with someone you know cares about you, without having any pressure to go the whole hog relationship-wise.
Also I agree he probably knows it's about him.
Sheldon, Yeah, I wonder. I'm just playing with the whole idea through this forum! I am fine with it if he does know. It's just kind of sweetly funny, despite the enormous passion that the poem confesses to. If he asked me whether it was about him, i would say yes, and he must remember how hot things got between us all those years ago, so it's not just a one-sided thing from me.
I think it might just be one of those things that don't need to be mentioned, though. I don't want to set our friendship back 16 years - it feels like we've reached a really lovely point i our relationship. possibly the best since we met.
And no, it's not a C. Why, pray tell?! Sounds like you have an interesting story behind that question!
Eastername, you are so tuned-in! You have summarised it in those two first sentences.
As for a shag, i would! Another friend asked me once, when I had just visitied the guy in question a few years ago, whether I would still have him, and I said at the time that I wouldn't. And as much as I keep saying i wouldn't want to change our friendship by taking it further, there's always that hot sexy fantasy in situations such as this! Just curious, i suppose. He was a free-love type in the 70s and he still has a lot of sex appeal, plus the deep connection. Could be an amazing fuck! But he's had a lot of health problems and been on a lot of meds, and when we were once in bed together and I was about to get on top (!), he said he "couldn't". i don't know what that was all about, but I guess I will never know.
I don't think we will ever have a shag, but it does make me wonder what it would be like.
Everyone seems to think he knows the poem is about him! I don't think I will ever learn the answer to that question - but MNers are usually spot on......
Yes! Me me me. I've found my way back to poetry and am going through divorce. I wrote some of my own poems but wouldn't dare put them on line it really helped me a while back when I was feeling really savage
I'm going to go back and read them now. They're about different things in my life, not just the present moment.
I'm also finding great comfort in quotes etc. I've recently discovered Maya Angelou. Fabulous
Your poem is sublime. I was wanting to write something about a steamy relationship from years ago but couldn't quite do it. Yours is very atmospheric and evocative.
It sounds as though you are sitting back and simply seeing where the flow of your friendship takes you - which is a great way to be. I'm sure this man will be an enduring and deep comfort to you, whether as a friend or lover - your underlying mental and emotional connection is far more important than the way it happens to manifest itself.
ANewDawn - lovely to meet you.
I would really recommend putting them on line. It's totally anonymous and it's exciting to see them 'in print'. I am on a site called ALLPOETRY. It's really cool. Only joined it yesterday.
That's wonderful to hear that you're reading them again. one of the beautiful things about writing poetry is that you can either keep them a secret, just for yourself, use them as closure and just write them down and then that's it - or take them out and remind yourself of how you were feeling, and how beautifully you can express yourself.
Thanks for using the words "sublime", "steamy", "atmospheric", and "evocative"! I would love to read anything that you might want to share. You could always p it to me.
Hope you are feeling alright. xx
Asmoto, thank you for your perceptive words. You've got it in a nutshell. And it is brilliant to write all this down and ask MNers for perspectives, and to have people saying other things than just confirming that I sound like a girl with a crush. He and I have been friends for longer than I've known my H, and although I do feel a bit crushy sometimes, there are so many other facets to the friendship as well.
I second the love for Maya Angelou, she's fabulous!
Pink - I'll think about that re: sharing. Hope you're ok too. Divorce is way more destructive than I ever thought possible. It's awful. I'll be back a little later. Your connection with this man sounds very special.
Oh my god. I'm sitting here crying. I've been chatting with him on Messenger and he's told me that he's had basal cell carcinoma of the nose, and is clear for now but can't ever be 100% clear.
I'm totally reeling.
Him: "Sorry, don't want to put any more tears in your eyes sweetheart. It is just life and we all face such things sooner or later and hope to live life as well as we can while we can."
Maybe life really is too short for you and him to not see if this is a relationship that could work? Does that make sense? A soul mate is a wonderfully special thing.
What distressing news! I've no experience of this illness, so have no advice to give, but I hope you will be able to be strong for him. It's good at least that he feels able to talk to you about it, and has such an understanding friend as a listening ear. .
Isadora! I love your name, and I love the fact that you think exactly what i thought, but no.
Oh, why am i going against my instincts with a flat-out "no"?! I bloody love him.
He's now told me that's OK, really really OK. It's hard to talk about stuff on messenger sometimes - you lose the nuance and the immediacy.
I agree about the soul mate thing. he thinks the same too, in terms of music - we met through an ad I put in my local music shop window, asking for people to play music with me. He's often said that of all the people he's played with over the years, I am the one he's felt the most connected to musically. Of course, music is a nice metaphor kind-of-thingy for sex and intimacy. And I feel totally, astronomically blown away to know that in my life, i actually found a true soul mate. not even one that i would end up marrying or staying with, but a soul mate all the same. Not everyone finds one, or is found. I count myself lucky for that.
Asmoto, Yes, it's really distressing. Out of the blue. I had absolutely no idea.
He has reassured me that he is really, really OK.
I'm still very shocked.
I am glad that he and I have a good friend in each other, and, yes, that he has told me. Apparently it dates back to 2009/10, so I think he's been clear for a few years now.
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