Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Might he fall back in love or is this it?

(16 Posts)
User2410 Mon 17-Apr-17 14:46:25

Me and H have been separated now for 13 weeks now, he said he wasn't happy and hasn't been for a few years now. He does give me alot of mixed signals but most of the time says 'at the moment ' he doesnt want to make things work. When we first split he also told me he had cheated last year so the break was something I felt I needed anyway and although I have been devastated I've been trying to stay busy with friends and have been out as much as I can. The last couple of weeks I have started to feel so desperate to make things work and forgive him and basically begged him for us to try again.we spent the day together this weekend with the kids as DD has been acting up and is so unsettled with him being away which has made it harder because we get on completely fine. He says he can't promise anything and seems quite reluctant. Is there a chance with communication and effort on both parts that he will re kindle his love for me? The issues he has raised I believe can be fixed but once u fall out of love is that the end. He says he is still completely attracted to me it's just there are resentments that have built up and he just doesn't 'feel it' anymore.

User2410 Mon 17-Apr-17 14:47:46

Excuse the repetitiveness I didn't proof read!

QuiteLikely5 Mon 17-Apr-17 14:50:40

He cheated, he's been gone for 13 weeks now and still doesn't feel the need to return.

I would let him go tbh

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Mon 17-Apr-17 14:51:02

sounds like he is rather enjoying dangling you on a string, putting the blame on you for the relationship breakdown, and his cheating

and you are fantasising about living happily ever after with this specimen??

I certainly would not lower myself to beg him to come back.

wizzywig Mon 17-Apr-17 14:53:08

I think if he has bern with someone else then thats a line he has crossed that cant be uncrossed. Yes he sounds confused. But dont let his confusion confuse you. Can you be with him after whats happened?

User2410 Mon 17-Apr-17 14:57:07

I was doing so well as well really got back some confidence I don't know what has happened but I can't stop crying alot of the time and do feel like a pathetic human. I think it's coz I want to feel in control of the situation as it came out of the blue. I thought we were happy. Whereas if we try again I can be aware of how we r both treating each other and know I've done my best. I just can't imagine ever meeting someone like him who I'm so attracted to and love like I do. He's definitely in no way perfect but who is

MickeyRooney Mon 17-Apr-17 15:00:12

I wouldn't be doing the pick me dance for him to choose between you and whatever he's after outside of your marriage.

i'd have slung him out ages back for that kind of behaviour.

why do you want someone who doesn't want you? this would be enough for me to see sense and chuck him for good.

SandyY2K Mon 17-Apr-17 15:04:33

How long will it the separation last? I think you should set a time limit in your own mind and if he hasn't shown willingness to want to try, then you should seriously consider a move towards a divorce.

Don't beg a man, unless you've screwed up by being unfaithful or something else as serious as that.

The 180 will help you move forward and have a good life without him

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-unfaithful-spouse.html?m=1

AnyFucker Mon 17-Apr-17 15:08:02

No. He is keeping you on the back burner though in case his shiny new shagabout life doesn't work out

Would you really want to be the very obvious last choice ? Please find your self respect and stop doing the demeaning Dance of Pick Me.

User2410 Mon 17-Apr-17 15:09:16

It should be most of my friends and family are in agreeance with many of you. I could forgive him for the cheating if he could make up for it. But he doesn't seem that keen to even try. I think he's agreed because I've pressured him. And that's because I do believe we could be happy together as we don't argue all the time or anything and for the sake of our children. It is pathetic tho I'm 27 so it's not like I'll never meet anyone else. The break has been good in the sense that I have completely gotten use to having the children 24/7 as he's rarely back on the weekends either and one of the issues he has was that I use to 'harass' him when he didn't come straight home from work and went to the gym or wherever.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin Mon 17-Apr-17 15:14:01

As hard as it is you need to stop letting him decide when he's ready to give it another go and decide for yourself. If you're ready, tell him it's now or never and mean it. Or better yet tell him to do one and start your life apart from him for good.

As for playing happy families for your daughter's sake because she's acting up... please don't. Of course she's playing up and having a tough time but she's in limbo too. He is keeping her there by not bringing the relationship with you to a final conclusion. She will start to calm down when she knows where stands with it all. Best way is fucking her dad off for good and starting your lives without him. Good luck.

TheoriginalLEM Mon 17-Apr-17 15:14:06

You are better off without him.

User2410 Mon 17-Apr-17 15:20:09

I will definitely have to soon. In 6 weeks he will be on shifts and will have to either come home or go and live at his mums. That feels like a long way off though but perhaps if we r trying in between now and then spending time together he will know how he feels. I've tried making the decision for him and it's last this long but I still feel like I can't let go.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Apr-17 15:23:59

Neither of you are doing your dd any favours

The person getting mixed messages here is her

Why don't both of you actually put her first. This adult game playing is what fucks children up, not straightforward splits where every one is on the same page.

User2410 Mon 17-Apr-17 15:45:31

That's the last thing I want. I have heard of families where the mum ad dad spend time together for the sake of being united for the kids and that's what he's wanted to do whenever he is home but it sounds selfish but unless it was to work towards us getting back together I couldn't spend time with him solely for the kids. Maybe that's because it's early and he hasn't the same feelings as me. Maybe the fact that I've kinda of forced him into giving another try will have the adverse effect as being needy and desperate is far from attractive. I will make sure I don't act that way when we r together

Adora10 Mon 17-Apr-17 16:06:55

Being realistic and possibly depressing what is the point in him coming back and playing happy families.

For a start, he cheated on you, at least once that he's now admitted to.
He's not feeling it equates to he now sees you as a last resort, should something or someone else come along in the meantime, he'll not give you a second thought, do you really want to hang about for scraps?

To take control is to get on with your life, expect nothing from him although why is he not taking the children and giving you a break, if he's so great?

He's either seeing someone right now or is definitely out looking; save our self respect and tell him you are going to live your life now as a single woman and do it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now