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Relationships

I messed up - and he's punishing me.

77 replies

amyc88 · 17/04/2017 14:00

Hi everyone,

Okay so I'm gonna be totally honest and say, 'I messed up'

Me and my OH wen away on a trip for valentines. The day before I found out I was anemic and pregnant. I spoke to the midwife who told me it was absolutely fine for me to fly. I'd felt a little sick, which is to be expected as I've been pregnant before.

Unfortunately when we came back from our trip, I had a miscarriage. Due to what's happened to me in the past and being left on my own when I lost my baby 2 years ago, I was stupid and panicked and didn't tell my partner or anyone and didn't want to tell him till after the trip once I'd been for a scan, because we both want children. We came back on the Thursday and I came straight home Thursday night which is unlike me, I'd normally stay but I just knew I needed to go home. The early hours of the Friday, it happened. It tore me apart, how moody I was really put pressure on our relationship while we were away. When it happened, I was so scared, I didn't tell anyone, not even my own family or friends. I freaked out and dealt with it alone, it the only way I knew how. I've always dealt with things on my own, And i shouldn't have and it's broken me beyond belief.

Since then I've felt like a failure as a woman, as an expecting mother and as a girlfriend, daughter and friend.

The Friday after it had happened and I was home alone, I kept thinking about how
I can even tell my OH, how could I keep
Something like this from him. He then proceeded that day to text me and tell me how much of a b*h I was while we were away, kept giving me st all day about how I ruined our trip. At this point it had been about 12 hours since I'd lost our baby, my head was well and truly up my a and I couldn't comprehend anything I was feeling. I felt numb.

That night he came round as we were going to see my mum, I was going to tell him that night. While he was getting ready, I looked at his phone, I never have before, something told me to. I'd just lost our baby, f**k knows what was going through my mind. I opened his phone and what did I see...messages to some woman he'd slept with before me, some woman who I've asked him 3 times not to speak to because it upsets me...talking about ME and OUR relationship and how shit things are. She then proceeded to tell him all about her sex party antics and how she's taking whatever she can at these parties...which he didn't seem to dismiss.

At this point, what am I meant to do. I've had a miscarriage and I see messages to some woman who we've had arguments about before. It's been a series of events since the miscarriage, new job, new house, putting the dog down. No time ever felt right, and it slowly ate at me.

I was an idiot and my reasoning behind why I did this was pathetic...about a week ago, i texted a guy I used to go to school with. my confidence and self esteem has been rock bottom. I guess me messaging him was an easy cop out, or a way to justify myself as a woman, to make myself feel desirable again, after what had happened, I felt worthless, through my
Own doing. I've not seen this guy since I was 17. I've not sent a picture, FaceTime, Skype, phone call or anything. It was a few stupid texts that I know I shouldn't have sent. I'm an idiot and I know I've done wrong.

Now, my boyfriend now knows about the miscarriage and the texts.

The strange part about this...he's taking me on the worst emotional rollercoaster ever....

The night all this came out, he wouldn't touch me, come near me, even look at me...but shared a bed with me that night...because, in his words, 'you're a girl that needs me'

Since then I've had onslaughts of abuse. Then the same night he made me my tea and picked me tulips after we'd been for a walk (where he also gave me an onslaught of abuse)

Then he made me my tea again another night. And then proceeded to give me more abuse after I'd taken us out to a museum and got us a coffee...literally as soon as we got our coffees, we were 20 steps outside costa and he started again in my car for a good hour and half.

Then he has sex with me Saturday morning. Doesn't look at me and then when I saw him Saturday night, he told me to my face that he couldn't even look at me while he was having sex me. Then gives me another onslaught of shit and tries to have passIonate sex with me again Saturday night.

Then, to top it all off. He went on a boozy camping stay over last night with his best mate - and ignored me till about an hour ago.

My head is mush, I make a mistake; I had a miscarriage and am being made to feel like I can't even grieve. And like
I've killed someone or cheated on him with his best mate. Like the world revolves around his feelings alone.

I deserve a lot of things, but this is torture. I feel used. Like an emotional punching bag.

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Waitingonasmile · 17/04/2017 14:05

You poor poor thing. He's sounds awful and you do not deserve this. End the relationship, block his number and never ever speak to him again. He's abusive and vile and you need support from family or friends.