Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I messed up - and he's punishing me.(78 Posts)
Okay so I'm gonna be totally honest and say, 'I messed up'
Me and my OH wen away on a trip for valentines. The day before I found out I was anemic and pregnant. I spoke to the midwife who told me it was absolutely fine for me to fly. I'd felt a little sick, which is to be expected as I've been pregnant before.
Unfortunately when we came back from our trip, I had a miscarriage. Due to what's happened to me in the past and being left on my own when I lost my baby 2 years ago, I was stupid and panicked and didn't tell my partner or anyone and didn't want to tell him till after the trip once I'd been for a scan, because we both want children. We came back on the Thursday and I came straight home Thursday night which is unlike me, I'd normally stay but I just knew I needed to go home. The early hours of the Friday, it happened. It tore me apart, how moody I was really put pressure on our relationship while we were away. When it happened, I was so scared, I didn't tell anyone, not even my own family or friends. I freaked out and dealt with it alone, it the only way I knew how. I've always dealt with things on my own, And i shouldn't have and it's broken me beyond belief.
Since then I've felt like a failure as a woman, as an expecting mother and as a girlfriend, daughter and friend.
The Friday after it had happened and I was home alone, I kept thinking about how
I can even tell my OH, how could I keep
Something like this from him. He then proceeded that day to text me and tell me how much of a b***h I was while we were away, kept giving me s**t all day about how I ruined our trip. At this point it had been about 12 hours since I'd lost our baby, my head was well and truly up my a** and I couldn't comprehend anything I was feeling. I felt numb.
That night he came round as we were going to see my mum, I was going to tell him that night. While he was getting ready, I looked at his phone, I never have before, something told me to. I'd just lost our baby, f**k knows what was going through my mind. I opened his phone and what did I see...messages to some woman he'd slept with before me, some woman who I've asked him 3 times not to speak to because it upsets me...talking about ME and OUR relationship and how shit things are. She then proceeded to tell him all about her sex party antics and how she's taking whatever she can at these parties...which he didn't seem to dismiss.
At this point, what am I meant to do. I've had a miscarriage and I see messages to some woman who we've had arguments about before. It's been a series of events since the miscarriage, new job, new house, putting the dog down. No time ever felt right, and it slowly ate at me.
I was an idiot and my reasoning behind why I did this was pathetic...about a week ago, i texted a guy I used to go to school with. my confidence and self esteem has been rock bottom. I guess me messaging him was an easy cop out, or a way to justify myself as a woman, to make myself feel desirable again, after what had happened, I felt worthless, through my
Own doing. I've not seen this guy since I was 17. I've not sent a picture, FaceTime, Skype, phone call or anything. It was a few stupid texts that I know I shouldn't have sent. I'm an idiot and I know I've done wrong.
Now, my boyfriend now knows about the miscarriage and the texts.
The strange part about this...he's taking me on the worst emotional rollercoaster ever....
The night all this came out, he wouldn't touch me, come near me, even look at me...but shared a bed with me that night...because, in his words, 'you're a girl that needs me'
Since then I've had onslaughts of abuse. Then the same night he made me my tea and picked me tulips after we'd been for a walk (where he also gave me an onslaught of abuse)
Then he made me my tea again another night. And then proceeded to give me more abuse after I'd taken us out to a museum and got us a coffee...literally as soon as we got our coffees, we were 20 steps outside costa and he started again in my car for a good hour and half.
Then he has sex with me Saturday morning. Doesn't look at me and then when I saw him Saturday night, he told me to my face that he couldn't even look at me while he was having sex me. Then gives me another onslaught of shit and tries to have passIonate sex with me again Saturday night.
Then, to top it all off. He went on a boozy camping stay over last night with his best mate - and ignored me till about an hour ago.
My head is mush, I make a mistake; I had a miscarriage and am being made to feel like I can't even grieve. And like
I've killed someone or cheated on him with his best mate. Like the world revolves around his feelings alone.
I deserve a lot of things, but this is torture. I feel used. Like an emotional punching bag.
You poor poor thing. He's sounds awful and you do not deserve this. End the relationship, block his number and never ever speak to him again. He's abusive and vile and you need support from family or friends.
Your OH sounds like a bit of a twat to me. Sorry, but if he thought you were moody and a bitch whilst on holiday, why didn't he raise it then? As if you were OK or something? Texting you after the event is just stupid - what are you supposed to do about it then?
I'd bin him off and find a much nicer and more sympathetic bloke to be the father of your future babies.
And sympathy on your miscarriages.
Ask if you were OK, I meant... stupid corrections.
he sounds like an arsehole, and it doesnt sound like you need him that much since you didnt want him anywhere near you or his help when you were miscarrying It sounds unhealthy from all sides. x
He's saying that finding out id been texting someone; and the miscarriage in one day is too much to think about.
He's openly saying that he will be a c**t with me because of how he found out. Because my 'timing' was all over the place.
Because I didn't tell him and 'kept it form him'
Everything he's doing to me is making me worse and feel less of a human than I already do.
At what point do you stop and think...I did wrong, but the way you're treating me and behaving isn't fair!!!
This sounds like a dreadful relationship.
the point you stop and think that, is now, already.
He's openly saying he will be horrible to you when you need love and comfort.
Please tell him to fuck right off and never see him again.
Oh goodness. I did read the whole post but may be a little fuzzy on details as it's so long. One thing that is incredibly clear is that your partner is abusing you horribly and it sounds like you're going through hell after having had a miscarriage. So sorry this is happening. You sound vulnerable and at a low ebb which is hardly surprising given the circumstances. I hope you know you don't deserve any of the shit he's given you and that sadly this is who he is, it won't change, he'll just grind you down and take away your confidence .
You must be reeling from the loss of the baby and not want to deal with anything else on top, but I think now is the time to realise you need to move on from this relationship. It's abusive, pure and simple.
There are good men out there, you do not have to stay with this fuck up. He's definitely crossed a line with the texts between him and this woman as well. Sorry to say it but there's nothing to salvage here, you'll be doing yourself a huge favour getting out now. I hope you've got some really good support to help you through this . I think it won't take long after you split with him (if that's your decision) for you to realise how much better off you are without him.
Just remember this messages to some woman he'd slept with before me, some woman who I've asked him 3 times not to speak to because it upsets me...talking about ME and OUR relationship and how shit things are. She then proceeded to tell him all about her sex party antics and how she's taking whatever she can at these parties...
Nice bit of deflection telling you he is going to treat you like shit when he has done this.
Where is the care and compassion for the woman who has just lost their baby?
Walk away you deserve better.
You've just lost a baby and this bloke insists on having cold sex with you?
I think we all know where you go from here.
And that's anywhere that doesn't have him in it.
He's a nasty abusive cunt bag and the fact he acknowledges "he will be cunt because of how he found out and the timing" when any normal well balanced person would be upset about the miscarriage but realise that however shit he feels you will feel worse than he does. You're the one who miscarried and did it all on your own.
This relationship is horrendous for your own sake you need to end it and stay the fuck away from him.
Also in my own experience the ones who immediately turn to other people outside their relationship when things are a bit off instead of addressing the problems rarely change even after they're caught out. They do it again and again and each time it chips away at your self esteem along with all the other horrible stuff they usually do as well you're in for a miserable time with him.
Please give up the idea of having a baby with this nasty bastard. You will regret it.
Also having sex/attempting to have sex with you between all these head fucks and emotional abuse is exactly what my ex used to do to me. Coerce/guilt me into sex. Its sick and wrong and these bastards know exactly what they're doing.
I am begging you to see him for th abuser he is and take this as your chance to leave.
Bit off track but looks like you don't even live together but were planning to start a family? Doesn't look like there is enough commitment between you two.
To be honest, any sentence that starts 'I'm going to be a cunt to you because...' is going to end with the person saying it being permanently excluded from my life. How does anyone justify saying that? Not 'I'm angry so I'm finding it hard to speak to you', but actually coming out and telling you they are going to be abusive because they don't like how you've behaved? When, by all accounts, they've been just as bad?
Leave him now, honestly.
He's sat there now hungover. With nothing to say.
I texted him how I feel, and he's texted back saying 'I don't know how to respond to that over text, especially today, sorry'
This isn't fucking okay anymore. He isn't gonna treat me like this!!
Sweetheart, I'm so sorry about your baby.
This man isn't good enough for you. Not even nearly.
You are worth more.
Good for you amy. You need to get angry with him. And please, please don't backtrack and let him sweet talk you. His true colours could not be more obvious.
You can do so much better than this. Leave him for someone who actually cares about you. Better still, leave him and learn to care for yourself, on your own.
i sincerely hope you mean it and get rid of him op you deserve better than that shit. Delete his number and block it. I wouldn't even bother telling him it's over, wouldn't waste anymore of my precious time on him. Even a thick fucker like that will work it out before long.
Am I right in thinking you don't live together? This is seriously not ok, please do not give him permission to treat you like this, tell him to leave and go no contact till you can get yourself in a bit of a better headspace
Any normal man would be doing whatever it took to support you just now, this is abusive behaviour and will only get worse
Sorry to read what you have been going through. He is not the right one for you. As PPs have already said, anyone who tells you 'I'm going to be horrible to you because' is clearly acting like this on purpose to hurt you. This is not OK, ever. It would be no life for you, having to 'pick the right moment' to tell him things he doesn't want to hear.
He is telling you what sort of person he is. Please listen and get him out of your life as quickly as possible. Nothing good for you will come out if this relationship, so the sooner you end it, the better.
All the best.
Join the discussion
Please login first.