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STBXH and totally irresponsible parenting.

(25 Posts)
JohnnyMarr Mon 17-Apr-17 11:49:23

I've posted a bit recently about the demise of my 20 year relationship, basically STBXH left suddenly at the end of January. It soon became apparent there was an OW, although, true to The Script, he has continued to deny her existence, despite the fact that they're actually cohabiting and a whole host of additional evidence to the contrary...

Last week STBXH text to say he would be taking DS to a theme park near to his new shag pad (which is a couple hours away) and so they would be staying there overnight. I categorically stated that whilst I had no problem with him taking DS out I absolutely did not want him coming into contact with OW under any circumstances, he replied that since they were "house mates" DS would be bound to meet her. I reiterated I didn't want DS to meet her and he ultimately agreed that he wouldn't take him.

Fast forward 48 hours and I message DS while he's with his dad. They are on their way to aforementioned theme park angry It subsequently transpires that X has finally told DS about his relationship with OW, although neglected to mention that it had been going on for months before he walked out. He then tried to essentially bribe DS with the lure of the theme park and said they would stay at his place afterwards. DS became upset (as one might expect) and said he didn't want to meet her or stay there and didn't want to go, at which point X said he and DS would still go on their own. Except half way there he revealed that they were actually going to be meeting OW and her DD there. DS started crying and repeated that he didn't want to meet her, X just told him he would have to meet her "sooner or later" and carried on regardless, thus blatantly ignoring not only the agreement we'd reached but, more importantly, DS's wishes.

My poor boy came home to me yesterday and cried his heart out. Not only had X deceived him into meeting OW without even so much as 24 hours to digest the news of her existence,, but she had her DD with her. Who is now obviously living with DS's dad. He said X had carried her all day (she's 6 ffs) and had paid more attention to her than to him and asked if X loved her now more than him. I can't even type that without crying.

I am fucking apoplectic with rage that even in his wildest dreams he could contemplate behaving with such utter contempt and insensitivity to DS's needs during what's already a pretty harrowing time. it's not just me being bitter and twisted, right? Surely that is pretty abhorrent parenting?

To make matters worse (who'd've thought it was even possible?) he and DD have had an incredibly difficult and fractious relationship for many years, up until a week or so ago she had had no contact with him since he left (her choice) However, coincidentally enough, X's sordid little love nest is also in close proximity to where DD's boyfriend lives and so, with no prior discussion with me whatsoever, he offered to take 14 year old DD to stay overnight with her 17 year old boyfriend (who he's met once) in a strange city she's never been to 90 minutes from home. I told DD she couldn't go (cue much hysteria and hatred coming my way) I told him she couldn't go. He has taken her anyway. Clearly point scoring and painting me as the bad guy is more important to him than DD's personal safety. What the actual fuck is wrong with him?

Huge apologies for the length of this. I'm just utterly at a loss as to how to deal with his fuckwittery and can't afford counselling!

JK1773 Mon 17-Apr-17 11:59:24

Mmm. Few issues here. Yes he's behaving irresponsibly, especially with your DD. He's undermining you and point scoring. Immature behaviour. How did the opportunity arise to take her if you'd said no?

With regards to OW it is very soon but ultimately there's nothing you can do about that. Assuming she's not a risk to your child it's his choice. It sounds to me as if your anger is at his behaviour towards you. I don't mean that to sound harsh because it must be very very difficult but this OW may be in your children's lives for a long time. You need to be positive about her as massively hard as that is. Your DC already have a lot to cope with and don't need to be caught in conflict between you and her. They also don't need to feel guilty if they like her, it's better that they do if it's a LTR. I'm sorry, must be horrible for you flowers

Voice0fReason Mon 17-Apr-17 12:03:44

You had no right to insist that your DS was not allowed to meet the OW.
Ideally, these introductions should be done carefully, but a day out at a theme park is a pretty good way of doing it.
There are a lot of issues here that need separating, and that's not easy to do. You're angry at both of them so you're angry at everything they do when that isn't always reasonable.
How old is DS?

WorknameJimEllis Mon 17-Apr-17 12:11:36

Totally irresponsible is a bit strong.

Going boating in the North Sea with no life jackets is totally irresponsible.

Meeting his girlfriend on a timescale other than the one you want to dictate. Annoying but no biggie. Your son was probably only distressed at the thought of going against your states wishes, not actually genuinely distressed at meeting (in his world) some random woman who seems to be living with dad.

Pick your battles. You are in his for the long haul.

JohnnyMarr Mon 17-Apr-17 12:30:59

Yes, damn right I'm angry at his (and her) behaviour towards me, he has comported himself despicably throughout. However at no point have I let my feelings for him impact on his relationship with the DC, and have in fact facilitated him seeing DS as much as possible

I accept that OW may well be a part of DC's lives in the future and that at some point they would inevitably have had to meet her. I'm not going to lie, it kills me - this woman has been instrumental in the breakdown of my marriage and has, essentially, actively encouraged STBXH to abandon not only me but his DC and now she wants to play happy families with them? At no point have I suggested that she must never come into contact with them but do you honestly think it's okay for X to deceive DS (he's10) into meeting her when he had specifically told him he wasn't ready to do so? That's a genuine question btw, I'm well aware my judgement is clouded here.

JK DD was intent on going, he was intent on taking her. Short of creating an incredibly ugly and upsetting scene by physically preventing her from doing so I had very little choice.

SammyL100 Mon 17-Apr-17 12:41:58

I can completely understand why you are angry Johnny. Whilst still insisting to you that OW is a "house mate", promising you not yo let his son meet this "house mate" he decides to tell his young son everything and take him to meet her in one visit, whilst he is in tears?!

I think you have every right to be angry.

JohnnyMarr Mon 17-Apr-17 12:42:27

Workname DS had no idea of my stated wishes so no, that's not why he was upset. As I said, he didn't feel ready to meet the woman who X had explained was his new girlfriend and felt that X was favouring her DD over him.

Irrespective of my feelings, I would have thought that in the eyes of a 10 year old, to have your dad leave the family home and then suddenly discover he was living with another child (never mind her mother) who he appeared to be prioritising over you would be very hard to bear.

And, imo, depositing a 14 year old for 48 hours in a strange city with little regard for her safety is irresponsible in the extreme.

JohnnyMarr Mon 17-Apr-17 12:46:08

Thank you Sammy He's spent so long lying and gaslighting me I honestly do wonder if it's just me.

dibly Mon 17-Apr-17 12:52:40

No way should he be introducing your children to a home wrecker 3 months after you breaking up, it's just too soon. Never mind the rest of his nonsense. I'd be raging.

donners312 Mon 17-Apr-17 17:05:58

well i cannot believe anyone would think it is ok to drop a 14 year old of in a city she is unfamiliar with, to sleep with her boyfriend is good parenting.

Likewise taking a 10 year old boy who is clearly upset out with 'new mum' new sister/dads new daughter' is a good way to treat him.

Just unbelievable, your ex just sounds like an utter utter twat, i can't believe pp describe this as no biggie. it is a biggie if you are that child. Hopefully your DC will recognize where they are valued and i am sure they will and learn not to enter into toxic relationships where their dads could care less about them!!

SammyL100 Mon 17-Apr-17 17:15:44

14 years old is underage, so if he is effectively encouraging his daughter to have underage, unlawful sex in order to win points with her, is utterly shameful.

I think you have to be careful how you proceed Johnny, as he is clearly seeking to manipulate the children (trips to theme parks, so DS meets OW, offering lifts to win points) Probably because he knows in the future they will be well aware of what he has done. But you will need a level head as he will probably want to portray you as the angry, spiteful ex so do tread carefully.

usernumbernine Mon 17-Apr-17 17:20:49

You can't stop him introducing him to anyone he likes I'm afraid. OW or not. You can be very angry about it, for sure, but you can't stop it and if you tried any court in the land would give you short shrift - I know that sucks, I know it's hard but that's the way it is.

Beebeeeight Mon 17-Apr-17 17:21:45

The issue with the 14yo is much worse than the 10yo imo.

He's effectively pimped her!

JohnnyMarr Mon 17-Apr-17 22:28:47

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts.

Donners I think you've just about summed it up - he is indeed an utter, utter twat. In fact I genuinely believe there's a strong possibility that he actually has some kind of personality disorder as he consistently appears to be entirely devoid of emotion of any kind.

Just to reiterate, I have not at any point attempted to forbid X from ever introducing Ow to DC, frankly I'd like nothing more than this but obviously appreciate that it's a sad inevitability. What has infuriated me is the insensitive, underhand and manipulative way in which he has engendered the introduction, and that this has resulted in additional upset for DS which could easily have been avoided had he behaved with rather more moral integrity.

YY Sammy, just to add insult to injury he (and she) are both doing their very utmost to portray me as some bitter, twisted psycho which really couldn't be further from the truth. I can say, hand on heart, that she's genuinely welcome to him - I'm only sorry he didn't leave sooner - but I won't accept my DC being used to further their agenda.

Religionorno Mon 17-Apr-17 22:35:26

Chérie, you can't stop him introducing the OW. What he does with the gosses while he has them is nothing to do with you, unfortunately. However, taking DD14 to stay at her 17 bf's house is absolutely outrageous. I would have had the ugly scene. He's a dick.

usernumbernine Tue 18-Apr-17 07:30:11

So if you haven't attempted to forbid your ex introducing the ow, what do you mean by this

Last week STBXH text to say he would be taking DS to a theme park near to his new shag pad (which is a couple hours away) and so they would be staying there overnight. I categorically stated that whilst I had no problem with him taking DS out I absolutely did not want him coming into contact with OW under any circumstances, he replied that since they were "house mates" DS would be bound to meet her. I reiterated I didn't want DS to meet her and he ultimately agreed that he wouldn't take him.

Unless I'm being very dense, that reads to me like you tried to forbid it?

Honestly, this is a battle you don't have a chance of wining and you'll muddy the waters over the one you need to fight re your 14 year old

JohnnyMarr Tue 18-Apr-17 10:38:50

user Yes, as per your quote, I "forbade" him from introducing DS to OW as, at that point, DS wasn't even aware of her existence.

As I have attempted to clarify above, I was not forbidding him from ever introducing her and appreciate that regardless of my personal sentiments towards her such an attempt would be both futile and unreasonable.

I considered it ill-advised for him to broach the subject of his (not so) new relationship with DS and to then engineer a meeting with her before he had even had time to digest the fact that his dad was now living with another woman and her child. And clearly it was a mistake, as evidenced by DS's subsequent distress.

As for his handling of the situation with DD I stand by my claim that he has behaved reprehensibly by unashamedly jeopardising her safety purely in the interests of point scoring.

usernumbernine Tue 18-Apr-17 12:39:21

Your language towards your ex is very very angry. You might find you benefit from some counselling to help you to process that and enable you to coparent with him more effectively and in a less adversarial way. And that will be of benefit to your children.

I wish you all the best with it.

hottotrotsky Tue 18-Apr-17 14:16:30

Not seeing their feckless fuckwit father anymore would be of benefit to op's dc user. What a vapid wrongheaded post. She's dead right to be spitting feathers and I'd refuse him access. Is that possible? You have all my sympathy op.

usernumbernine Tue 18-Apr-17 14:29:53

The OP can't refuse access on the grounds she has spelled out here. I've been there - my ex replaced me with an older more haggard version of me and there was a not inconsiderable overlap, so I get it, really I do. But you can't stop him introducing the kids to her and the best thing to do is save your energy for the battles you have a chance of winning - like the one the OP needs to have over their DD.

I was not being in the least bit sarcastic when I suggested counselling - I went for it myself when I had a breakdown in my doctor's surgery and the doctor suggested it and despite being a total sceptic I found it very helpful in untangling my feelings and dealing with my anger and it enabled me to coparent more effectively.

scottishdiem Tue 18-Apr-17 14:39:52

1. You have no control over how the OW and DS are introduced. Ever.
2. Lying to his son and forcing an introduction is very poor parenting. That needs to be noted for future contact arrangements as a negative mark. But not much that can be done about it now.
3. Whatever the fuck he was doing with giving DD a lift I would seek to stop that immediately. Explain to him, in no uncertain terms, that he is not to be facilitating underage booty calls.

EweAreHere Tue 18-Apr-17 14:53:05

Your children will see through him. They will. They will know that he's prioritizing himself, OW and her daughter over them. And you! He's point scoring and doing what he wants no matter what you say, so say nothing negative.

Except ... I would seriously consider contacting social services if he drops off a 14 year old in a strange city to have sex with her boyfriend. That's shocking and dangerous. I would tell him that on this one, you can't stay silent. He's endangering the welfare of his daughter.

But the rest of it? Let him see what he's like. What he's really, really like. And be there for them, with your mouth zipped, no matter how hard it is. They are going to need you more than ever.

Aspiringcatlady Tue 18-Apr-17 15:03:56

I think you have every right to be annoyed.
Your marriage broke down a matter of months ago, that alone is hard enough for a child to deal with.
He denied this OW was his partner and claimed they were house mates. And decided to tell your DS that he was in another relationship and he would be meeting this woman and her child and expected your child to process this and meet this woman in a what, a 90 minute period?! That is NOT how you deal with a situation at all and I would be fuming.

And as for your DS, what the hell is wrong with this man?! She is 14 years old, she is not old enough to stay round a boyfriends house AT ALL! Most fathers would have a fit even thinking about this.

100% completely irresponsible parenting!

NotJanine Tue 18-Apr-17 15:21:45

I think you have valid reasons to feel as you do

He should not have introduced the OW and her DD to your DS if he was not ready for it.
He should not have made DS feel less important than the OW's DD
Everything about what he did with your DD is so obviously wrong

Sounds like he just doesn't have a clue how to look afer his own children and if I were you I would be concerned about their welfare.

JohnnyMarr Tue 18-Apr-17 22:24:58

Well DD is home safe and sound, thank god. She's largely monosyllabic so clearly I've been branded the bad guy in all this, despite the fact that in reality I'm the one fighting her corner in terms of school, CAMHS etc, Disney Dad can't be arsed with all that - no glory to be had.

Hot I can't reasonably deny him access. And the worst thing is I'm not entirely convinced he'd care even if I did, but would certainly feign heartbreak and twist things to appear as though I was doing so out of spite rather than concern.

Ewe Perhaps DS will begin to see his true colours, it's not the first time X has prioritised OW over him, but I can't take any comfort from the possibility of that happening because it will break DS's heart. Tbh I think DD already has the measure of him but is currently too mercenary to care.

User I am angry - I would argue justifiably so. He literally walked away from our 20 year marriage following a five minute conversation during which the only explanation I got was that he wasn't "feeling it". I haven't seen or spoken to him since, so yes, it's fair to say I'm struggling to process. I absolutely concur that counselling might be cathartic but unfortunately along with the rest of his twattery X is also intent on shafting me financially so I'm currently battening down the hatches in terms of finances whilst he wines and dines OW on the six figure salary I've supported him in achieving.

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