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DH messaging a lap dancer...(152 Posts)
I'm posting because to be honest, I'm 11 weeks pregnant and not sure if I'm overreacting. It certainly doesn't feel trivial to me.
DH went out a few weeks ago with some friends. I was in the hospital with heavy bleeding, but I told him to go as he was really looking forward to it, and he could come back if there was any bad news. It was just to football and stayed overnight, came back, said he had a really boring time blah blah blah. No details.
I went to use the iPad one morning because I'd left my phone upstairs, Facebook conversation had been left open. All perfectly innocent. I jokingly asked who she was, and he said just a girl he was chatting to about selling CAMERA EQUIPMENT giving DH's work I had no reason to doubt him. And who cares? He can have a female friend!
Saturday, again, went to use the iPad. Conversation open again. Transpires he's obviously talking to her about webcam work, asking her what she's wearing, that he would 'love to experience her again'.
I hit the roof, threw it at him, and asked him to decide if he wants an abortion or counselling which may have been an extreme reaction. And I feel awful saying it. We've been trying for years, had several loses and it hasn't been easy.
DH then explains he had a lap dance, again I'd have been fine with that, from the girl he was messaging. I explained I was pissed off with the lying and obvious attempt to see what she was wearing... a lap dance and that are completely different things to me. He was clearly trying to get her to 'cam' with him too.
Anyway he cried, said he never wanted to hurt me, he's nothing without me, me and the baby are his entire world, and I think all that made me listen was that he DIDNT want to be like his father.
DH had an awful upbringing. I won't go into it loads. His father and mother were physically and emotionally abusive, I don't know that half of it, but I know that along with constant rejection he was also made to share a room with both his parents while they had sex with strangers. He seems genuinely terrified of ending up like that, not that specifically, but being an awful parent. I don't think he's playing up on this part of his life though.
I comforted him a bit and sort of let it fizzle out. I let him know that he'd made me feel like shit, and I was thinking about it all.
This is the only time he's acted like this in six years. He's always been amazing. And I know we're both stressed, and I'm stressed and worried about another miscarriage and hormonal and constantly puking so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting slightly I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave DH, he seems genuinely remorseful. He has no idea why he did it. And I love him and want to finally start out family together.
I'm sorry this is so long and numbered. I'm just so confused and don't even know where to begin in sorting this out in my head. It's just such a mess.
And obviously I've name changed. Because I'm embarrassed that I'm even having to post this. I always thought we were so solid.
Reading it back though I'm quite sure I'm not overreacting...
You aren't overreacting.
Dont rush to forgive.
Plenty of men without abusive backgrounds would do this.
As a largely separate issue, it would be a good idea for your H to get some good quality counselling or psychotherapy around the abuse he experienced.
No you're not.
He is messaging a lap dancer and you are comforting him?
He is well out of order. He lied to you and it wasn't a one-off.
I couldn't forgive but in your circumstances I get that it is difficult.
Thank you Gruffalo
Ah I just don't know. I'm not rushing to forgive him, because I'm hurt. And I'm going to be hurt for a while.
I did suggest counselling to him. He has been before, but it sort of phased out. I just worry that this is all linked, he just seems so genuinely devastated that he even did it.
You think you're overreacting??? You comforted him?!
I really need to decide what I'm doing don't I?
We're away at a relatives house at the moment, so I have gotten much distance from the situation.
Do you think it's fair to suggest counselling first? Or am I a complete fool to even consider?
Without being harsh, devastated he did it, or upset he was caught? Important to distinguish these in your own mind.
So.. you're pregnant, in a hospital with a major bleed, while he gets a lap dance.
And later he starts messaging the woman + hounding her for cam stuff.
And you end up comforting him?
He had many opportunities to be "devastated" about what he did (and stop) before he got caught, didn't he.
You don't need to decide anything at the moment. Just tell him how upset you are and that he needs to give you space. Maybe relationship counselling, but go by yourself first, to help you decide what you want.
I think devastated he did it.
I think I've worked with enough idiots to know the difference, but I guess it is different to distinguish when you're so close to a situation.
I wouldn't have forgiven the lap dance whilst in hospital, let alone messaging the dancer afterwards.
What would have happened if you had not discovered the conversation when you did? Would he have been devastated then?
Which bit is he devastated at?
Choosing to go to a lap dance club while you're in hospital?
Choosing to pay family money for his experience?
Choosing to take her number?
Choosing to lie to you?
Choosing to pursue another woman?
If I was in hospital and dps thoughts while away were oh il get a lap dance is end it just for that. But that's just me . Appreciate your situation is difficult but if you don't want to leave him I wouldn't let him off easy or hel think he can do what he wants with no consequences
You'd have been fine with a woman straddling him etc; bending over so that her fanny was in his face; with him smelling her and getting turned on by her; wanting to touch her; getting a hard on and either sorting that out himself or availing himself of other services to address it; reliving it whilst wanking at home or having sex with you?
You'd be fine with that? Really?
And this wasn't even a regretable one off, a moment of madness, a lapse in judgement... he's been seeking her out again, messaging her and saying he'd love to repeat the experience.
I am disgusted by him on your behalf, even if you are not.
I would have already kicked him out, tbh. I ended my 14 year marriage over less. I am worth more and so are you.
Are you sure she is not a prostitute?
What's with, I would love to experience you again?
You really shouldn't be 'ok' with him getting a lap dance op. That's NOT ok. And to me it shows you have low self esteem yourself. Lap dances are physical exchanges. It's not just a girl dancing in front of a man.
They often sit on the man and grind, allow the man to touch them too.
It's really not ok. I am so sorry you're having this right now whilst you're pregnant because it does make it that much harder to see and think clearly.
If he was devastated that he'd done it, he'd have removed all evidence of it from his life so that he wasn't confronted by memories of it (e.g. messages arranging the night out, photos, everything. He would literally be eradicating it from existence). He would not be messaging her hinting at webcaming and saying he wanted to repeat the experience.
I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. But in the first paragraph you said you were bleeding ... there is no way you should have been left alone in the hospital. How could he go out and have fun knowing you could have lost your baby - this in my mind in unforgivable.
I have had two mc ... I also have a STBXH who used strippers and porn constantly as well as have sex with my ex best friend. I have has twenty years of not trusting him and checking up on him. My life is good now and I am happy. He too cried when confronted by me over his terrible behaviour.
Anyhow at the very minimum he should be suggesting counselling, comforting you and doing everything in his power show that he loves you and deserves a second chance.
Do you have friends you can discuss this with? Family that will support you?
I've had this happen to me. I ended the relationship. 4 months later we reconciled.
A few years later we went on to have a baby together. Whilst I was pregnant I caught him messaging several women. Including receiving pictures from one.
I left him when dd was 10 weeks old. We tried relate but the trust and respect had gone after what I had discovered.
I hope it's a one off on his part for your sake but from experience this tends to crop up again further down the line.
His behaviour is a disgrace I would be questioning the whole relationship tbh
And actually the more I think about it the more annoyed I get for you. There really is a certain type of man that equates football weekend away with paying for a sexual experience with a woman . Made even more disgusting by the fact you , his pregnant partner is in hospital .
He had a lap dance when you thought you might be miscarrying, he has lied to you - several times - and is actively pursuing another woman. Every time you turn your back, he's messaging her.
He's devastated because you caught him but you know he'd still be trying to meet up with her if you hadn't confronted him.
I wouldn't be able to get past this.
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