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What the fuck do I do now?

(57 Posts)
SnackSnackEatAndCrave Mon 17-Apr-17 09:14:11

DP threw a meltdown last night. A tiny row after a few glasses of wine escalated into him pushing me, and smashing glasses all over the kitchen. Our 1 year old DD was asleep upstairs at the time. He's never done this before but I know the advice I would give to anyone is to get out.
The question is how?! My family are 5 hours away. I don't have a car, and am a SAHM so completely dependent on him financialy. This was fine when we were in a happy relationship but obviously now is a huge issue.
We have a joint mortgage, and aside from being a massive dickhead last night is a great dad so I don't feel like it's okay to take his daughter far away.
So how do I get out? I'm pretty much maxed out on my overdraft, so don't even have a back up plan for a rent deposit, travel, things for DD. I feel so stupid.

INeedNewShoes Mon 17-Apr-17 09:17:09

If this really is an isolated incident is there any chance he could be ill? Obviously if he's not absolutely horrified today by what he did then leaving is a good idea. But if it was absolutely out of character I would be looking into them getting help.

SnackSnackEatAndCrave Mon 17-Apr-17 09:22:28

How do you mean ill? He's not depressed or anything like that as far as I know. Has a high powered job but he enjoys it and isn't stressed. We argue like I guess anyone does and our relationship isn't perfect but this is completely out of character. I can't explain it but I don't think I can live with him any more, wondering what could happen next?

RueDeDay Mon 17-Apr-17 09:24:27

Are your parents supportive? I would ring them now and ask them to come pick you up. If you can have a couple of weeks or a month with them it will give you time and space to process what happened and work out what to do next.

Great Dads don't push and shove the mothers of their children. Leave, you can always move back to the area in a month if you feel it's the right thing to do. For now, you need to be somewhere safe and supportive.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 17-Apr-17 09:25:09

Contact Women's Aid.

Leave the glass for him to clean up and ask him to leave for a few days. With this being the first incident, he might be so horrified at himself, he goes off for a while.

See a solicitor.

Why do you have an overdraft?

RueDeDay Mon 17-Apr-17 09:25:13

And it goes without saying (hopefully!) that I meant take DD with you.

Bananamanfan Mon 17-Apr-17 09:27:58

Take dd with you to parents. It's totally his fault you are in the position where you have to actually leave immediately. The logistics can be his problem. flowers

INeedNewShoes Mon 17-Apr-17 09:28:59

Neurological conditions can cause sudden extreme changes in character. Obviously this isn't likely but if I were you I'd want to make sure I and DD are safe but then try to establish that his behaviour was his choice and not caused by mental or neurological illness.

noego Mon 17-Apr-17 09:29:11

I'd stay put. Tel him to fuck off and while apart spend some time thinking about what you both want out of this relationship.

SnackSnackEatAndCrave Mon 17-Apr-17 09:29:51

Thanks RueDeDay you've said exactly what I would say to anyone. Great dads do not shove the mothers of their children. He gave up his dad of the year title the second he put a hand on me and it's my job to keep my daughter in a safe environment, not to put him first.
Parents are reasonably supportive but both work in retail and are working today so I can't get them to drop everything. It looks like it might be the only option tomorrow though.

Bananamanfan Mon 17-Apr-17 09:29:54

Sounds like there are additional problems; he earns well & you have no income due to caring for your child, but you have an overdraft.

SnackSnackEatAndCrave Mon 17-Apr-17 09:34:02

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, trying to keep up!
I had an overdraft as a student a couple of years ago and it's been so hard to get out of! I was paying it off and shortening the limit when we applied for a mortgage but DD was a surprise baby so money has been a bit tighter than we'd have liked and I've basically just been living in the overdraft.
My first instinct this morning has been to pack his bags and send him to his parents but what if he refuses to leave?!

PurpleDaisies Mon 17-Apr-17 09:36:21

Have you got a friend nearby, or could you take your daughter out for a few hours? If you want him to go, I'd tell him to leave and you go as well. Hopefully he'll be gone by the time you'll get back.

Can he use the "my parents won't have me/I've got nowhere to go/can't afford a hotel" excuse?

SnackSnackEatAndCrave Mon 17-Apr-17 09:41:59

Our finances are obviously not ideal but not in an abusive way. Honestly.
We met at uni and were both terribly irresponsible with money. After graduation we obviously grew up a lot, he got a great job, I got a basic one but with great progression opportunities and we bought the best house we could afford with an optimistic attitude that things would only get better financialy and we'd be set in another year.
DD was a surprise as I've said and was poorly as a baby so I gave up work as we could afford to live like this on just his wage for a year or so until we felt she'd be okay at nursery and I can work again.
All joint decisions, we talked about everything and I've never felt controlled or anything financially. But now I feel like a fool.

SnackSnackEatAndCrave Mon 17-Apr-17 09:44:18

His parents would have him in a heartbeat and are much closer than mine, so I feel it's only right that he goes. But I don't know how he'll react to being told to get out and if he refuses I've no back up plan.
I hate the idea of imposing on my friends but it looks like it might be my only option.

RueDeDay Mon 17-Apr-17 10:11:10

Try the approach of: "one of us is leaving. Because you've been abusive I think it's only fair that you leave, to minimise disruption to DD. If you don't leave, I'm going".

RueDeDay Mon 17-Apr-17 10:13:19

Also... He is likely not to want to let people know why. Fuck that shit. It protects him but stops you from being able to be properly supported. Tell his parents what happened. Tell yours.

Jaynebxl Mon 17-Apr-17 10:16:19

How has he reacted this morning? HAve you seen him?

BillyButtfuck Mon 17-Apr-17 10:17:35

Hope you're ok. You've had some good advice here, especially from Rue. Shelter and WA are a good starting point for guidance.

ANewDawn Mon 17-Apr-17 10:25:10

flowers

SnackSnackEatAndCrave Mon 17-Apr-17 10:46:29

Thank you so much everyone. He's still in bed, DD went into him and he gave her some cuddles but told me to get out.
So not that remorseful then!
Can't believe my life has turned to such a mess overnight.

ANewDawn Mon 17-Apr-17 11:05:35

Told you to get out shock that's all you need to know OP. I'm so sorry

Bananamanfan Mon 17-Apr-17 11:09:53

So sorry, op. If he won't leave can you go to your parents until you decide what to do?

BillyButtfuck Mon 17-Apr-17 11:11:50

Fuck that, I don't think he's going to be reasonable today and offer to pack up and give you space. Where abouts in the country are you OP?

yetmorecrap Mon 17-Apr-17 11:12:47

He is a twat who has managed to get by so far by being a wolf in sheeps clothing

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