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Relationship problems

(24 Posts)
LifeOnHold17 Mon 17-Apr-17 07:54:07

NC'd for this. My DH and I have been married 4 years.

I'm really worried about what is happening with my DH. He hasn't changed really quickly, it's been a gradual thing. I feel like he has started going out of his way to upset me and to begin arguments. Passive aggression and antagonising me all the time. It's like he wants me to feel upset, hurt, let down. I honestly think he's doing it on purpose now.

He also makes no effort at all anymore. Yesterday I had to gently suggest he have a bath as he hadn't had any kind of wash for 2-3 days. His dad is notoriously tight-fisted and he's started acting the same way. I said id quite like an Easter egg. He came back from the shop saying he didn't get me one because it was "probably £7-£8". I just feel like he was telling me I'm not worth spending £8 on.

It came to a head yesterday when I'd spent all day trying to keep his mood up. Making jokes, trying to keep him from being withdrawn but it wasn't working. I told him last night I do that a lot - try to bolster him and cheer him up all the time. It's not working and I feel like a jester tbh.

I'd cooked lovely meals and he barely helped me with anything. He just sits on his phone playing his game all the time and talking to his internet friends. That's what he was doing last night under the guise of cleaning which seemed to take him hours. Why start doing a massive clean on Easter Sunday evening? He doesn't want to spend time with me.

I try to hide my emotions but this morning and last night I've not been able to. I've just been sat in tears and he's not made any attempt to console me. He's just skulking round the house and sighing/huffing. He won't come near me when I'm upset.

I feel like our happiness has been put on hold because of these continual issues. I don't know where I've gone wrong and why he's so withdrawn and unwilling to comfort me or provide me with any kind of love whatsoever.

I've tried so hard to keep him happy but is that my job? When I'm sat here crying I'm not thinking about myself I'm thinking what could be done to make him happy. I just want my old DH back.

noego Mon 17-Apr-17 08:02:15

Why are you blaming yourself? This is something he is doing. On the surface this looks like depressive behaviour. He needs to talk to someone. Can you afford to have him see a therapist. If so google BACP and see if there is one in your area that can see him.
I understand that he may not think he has anything wrong so a diplomatic chat with him is needed to articulate your concerns.

LifeOnHold17 Mon 17-Apr-17 08:08:36

Ive suggested he tries counselling because he's so withdrawn. He just fobs me off and says he'll look into it. But we could afford it. I've also suggested he go the GP because he's obviously not happy and he says he is happy and again just fobs me off.

LifeOnHold17 Mon 17-Apr-17 08:11:47

I'm blaming myself because I'm absolutely broken.

LifeOnHold17 Mon 17-Apr-17 08:16:26

He's now started touching my knee as he walks past and telling me he loves me. He does this a lot - I tell him how I'm feeling, he ignores me, then tells me he loves me in the hopes that that is enough. The actual problems never get resolved and it just keeps going round. I told him a while ago that saying you love someone is meaningless unless you show it. I have no idea if he understood me or not.

noego Mon 17-Apr-17 08:30:22

This is something that needs to be addressed and addressed by professional. I don't know how you are approaching the conversation with him OP but I would suggest that a sit down serious eye to eye conversation is needed to really get your concerns across to him.
Or maybe you write him a letter if that is a better option.
Please try not to blame your self. MH has a way of spreading to people who are around those who suffer MH. It has a way of bringing them down as well. it seems you have tried your best and no it is not down to you to make other people happy. They are responsible for their own happiness.

LifeOnHold17 Mon 17-Apr-17 08:34:32

Tried writing him a letter, he tells me he reads it then doesn't respond. If he's in the mood he'll try to tell me something he thinks I want to hear but I can tell he's just making it up on the spot.

He won't see a professional - I've tried. I sit next to him put my arms round him tell him I love him and want him to get some help and he still won't do it. It's very sad.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 17-Apr-17 08:53:46

Your focus is in entirely the wrong place.

He is a adult, he is not your child. He can access therapy, read self help books, talk to a friend if he wants to change. If. He. Wants. To. Change. (hint: he doesn't, he has told you that clearly).

Stop trying to change another adult's personality to create the person you wish you were in a relationship with. How rude!

Concentrate on yourself. (1) What do you need from a relationship and life? (2) Is this relationship helping you get what you want out of life?

When you decide what step (3) is, assume he will be like this forever. Assume his personality is not a disease to be cured. It is who he is. Step (3) is never "do stuff to make him behave like I want him to behave"

If someone behaves like a cunt to you, as he is, don't sit weeping hoping that your tears will cause him to change. That's pure martyr nonsense. You stand up look them in the eye and say fuck this shit I'm leaving.

LifeOnHold17 Mon 17-Apr-17 09:12:34

Yes I'm a martyr because I'm crying over the deterioation of my marriage. hmm

I haven't come on here to have my feelings validated or pulled apart. I know why I'm upset and I have every reason to feel upset. I came on here for advice about the situation.

Not sure where you got that stuff about his personality from. My post clearly states he has changed gradually. His personality is loving, kind, warm, funny, and easy going. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. I've never tried to mould him in to something he's not.

Isetan Mon 17-Apr-17 09:13:06

Everything RunRabbitRunRabbit saïd, stop making him the priority when he's treating you like an option. The bottom line is, you can't change him and the sooner you accept that the easier it will be for you to start focussing on the things you can change, namely, why you accept this poor excuse for a relationship.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 17-Apr-17 09:21:33

Your posts are all about how to change him.

The most likely truth is that he was on good behaviour at first and has gradually let his guard down revealing his true self.

You've told us a lot about him and his life. What's your life like? What are your aspirations?

melody2967 Mon 17-Apr-17 09:26:29

Who are his Internet friends? What is this game and are you sure it is a game he's playing?
Has this behaviour coincided with more time online? I would be wondering who he's speaking to

Hermonie2016 Mon 17-Apr-17 09:29:12

I really feel for you.Does he work? If so is he managing to wash before work or seeing friends?

What was his upbringing like? It doesn't seem like MH issues as you feel he is trying to upset you deliberately and I would trust your instinct.

I think he's has chosen to check out of the relationship (not something you did to cause it) or he's using tactics to keep you on eggshells so that the focus is always on him.

When he trying to start an argument where you know its deliberate don't try to rationalise it or blame yourself, just tell him to "stop this behaviour".If he sulks then go to something else,If he gives you the silent treatment, tell him he's boring you now so and go out.

LifeOnHold17 Mon 17-Apr-17 10:01:17

He plays Clash of Clans and he's on it nonstop. He's definitely playing it - he takes it very seriously. They have a chat system where they exchange messages about "wars" they're having. He never tries to hide it. I don't mind him playing it at all, we've all got hobbies, but it makes him very withdrawn and he doesn't seem to know when to stop.

If he's got another woman on the go I hope she doesn't mind a man who refuses to wash. 😕 I highly doubt that's happening tbh.

He works full time at a manual job - sometimes he'll have a shower before work, sometimes not.

His upbringing was ok though he says his parents never had much time for him. They had all the necessities but emotional support a bit thin on the ground.

LifeOnHold17 Mon 17-Apr-17 10:03:12

It's possible it was all an act Rabbit, which is a frightening thought. I'm sorry I took your first comment badly. I think I'm feeling defensive ATM which I need to deal with.

Hermonie2016 Mon 17-Apr-17 10:11:09

Life, there is a very real possibility that once married his true personality has appeared.Its not uncommon for this to happen.He seems self centred and doesnt see why he needs to be kind or loving to you.

MajesticWhine Mon 17-Apr-17 10:11:46

It wouldn't (necessarily) be a deliberate act to put on a front and then gradually change, it is probably outside of his awareness. I think it often happens as a relationship matures. The effort subsides and people revert to how they really are.

LifeOnHold17 Mon 17-Apr-17 10:53:07

DH's dad is really miserly and mean - he's hurt so many family members and few of DH's extended family actually speak to him anymore. It's my worst fear that DH becomes his dad. The recent events have made me think it's possibly happening. PIL doesn't wash very often because he thinks water is too expensive, he walks round in stained clothes, he is emotionally very cold. I've started to notice so many similarities. DH has always been generous, funny and nice...when I met him I was shocked at how him and his dad were polar opposites. Just makes me wonder whether he was trying to be the opposite of his dad when really he's just like him.

Hermonie2016 Mon 17-Apr-17 11:06:32

I think you could be right about his dad as we learn how to treat people from your parents.How does his mother respond?

My stbxh was the most charming man until we married and then he changed.He would provoke arguments and be deliberately hostile.Its what he learnt growing up.Very few people saw his behaviour as it was directed mostly at me.

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 17-Apr-17 11:19:23

Tell him he is becoming his dad and it is happening right in front of you and it is hurting you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 17-Apr-17 12:11:43

It doesn't really matter why he is like this. All that matters is whether you will permit yourself to be treated this way.

When he's a twat, giving him cuddles and declarations love isn't a good response. It sounds like you reward him with attention and love bombing when he treats you badly.

Do you have your own friends? Do you have an active social life? I have a sneaking suspicion you have moulded you whole life around him and his moods.

category12 Mon 17-Apr-17 12:23:12

It sounds like he's sunk back into familiarity (reprising his own home-life growing up).

I don't see a way forward for you together while he is unable or unwilling to see that.

It might be separating would give him a shock into doing something about it. I don't think you standing by him and pouring your emotional energy into him is going to work - while you're there as court-jester and emotional punchbag, you're enabling him.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 17-Apr-17 12:25:16

He doesn't need a professional to tell him to switch off from his virtual life and start living a real one. .

LifeOnHold17 Mon 17-Apr-17 15:53:15

I have my own friends, and a good job that I really enjoy. My life isn't all about him.

But obviously he's my husband so he's a huge part of my life, and I actually feel a lot of bitterness about the fact I love this man so much and yet he doesn't seem to show that he loves me even though he says he does.

Eventually he was willing to talk to me this morning and he told me he was sorry for being so withdrawn and not communicating. I said I thought he was being like his dad and he said that's the last thing he wants.

I told him that I want us to start communicating properly again and if there's any issues to be open with each other. We can't go on like this. I said I don't want to end up in tears all the time because of his behaviour. He seemed to acknowledge this and said he hates seeing me unhappy.

I went to my grandma's this afternoon and helped her sort through some of her old photographs. It was nice to get out and clear my head and think about something else.

I think things need to go a long way before they are back to normal and I don't know if it's possible but I want to try because I do love him.

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