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I'll never meet my soulmate and find true love, will I?

(39 Posts)
user1472582572 Mon 17-Apr-17 06:21:18

I don't think I'm ever going to experience true love with someone- spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. The only men I've ever been with have just used me for sex. Now I'm a single mother, it feels even less likely I'll ever experience a proper relationship: DS is my priority for now of course and I wouldn't even consider seeing anyone until he's at school (he's one). But still, I'm a romantic at heart and just want to love and be loved.

Tannyfastic Mon 17-Apr-17 06:27:53

It sounds like you have some work to do on yourself...
Have a look at baggage reclaim website, the book 'why men love bitches' (bad title, great book) and even think about doing the freedom programme on line.

When we are well, we don't pine for a relationship.
When we are well, we don't talk from the place where you are talking.

You can change things if you want.

user1491572121 Mon 17-Apr-17 06:28:58

The romantic idea of a "soulmate" and "true love" are just that. A romantic idea.

There's no magic combination of two people.

The best thing you can do is begin to improve yourself. To work towards fulfilling your dreams and ambitions.

This will have a double positive on your life.

1: you will be working towards positive change in your life
2: you will be more attractive to good, well balanced men.

Immerse yourself in your own personal development and the romance will follow.

Look for a man who makes you laugh, a man who has kindness and a gentle nature, a man who is financially sensible...doesn't need to be rich but should be earning and understand finance.

Soulmates are for novels and films OP.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Mon 17-Apr-17 06:34:03

First of all: stop being a romantic.

There is no such thing as a "soulmate". The world is full of people - some good, some bad. Plenty of them would be a good match for you, not just one.

If you dream of being swept off your feet in a meet-cute, or think, "he could be The One" every time you meet a guy, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You're also more likely to put up with crap in order to stay with someone because romantic comedies condition people to believe that if you overcome hardship there will be a happy ending.

Bullshit!

You work on your own happiness, develop deep interests, and you will meet people with similar interests. There lies your path to "true love". Someone who respects you and with whom you share good conversation and a sense of humour.

You can have sex with anyone. Save the actual relationship for people you click with as well as (or better than) you click with other women.

You need fun and friendship, not "romance". Dinners and staring into eyes are for the first 6 months. Knowing someone understands you and cares for you is what it's all really about.

But as you say, it can wait until your DS is old enough to give you more time to yourself. Obviously he shouldn't be meeting any partners until you've been together for a looooooong time.

MaidenMotherCrone Mon 17-Apr-17 06:34:14

User actually the kind of relationship the Op is hoping for does exist, it is possible.

niceupthedance Mon 17-Apr-17 06:42:44

Hmm ok. Well I was you five years ago and I have now met the love of my life. I did work on myself but I also went through the online dating wringer for three years and it worked in my favour in the end. So don't give up your dreams.

user1472582572 Mon 17-Apr-17 07:01:36

Of course, I definitely agree I've got a lot of issues I need to work on and I need to improve my own self-worth and self-esteem. This is something to consider maybe in about 5 years, but maybe I have read too many Jane Austen novels lol.

mummytime Mon 17-Apr-17 07:09:59

Jane Austin was very cynical about Romance, and if you haven't spotted that then stick to Georgette Heyer.

user1472582572 Mon 17-Apr-17 07:20:05

I guess. I mean Marianne ending up with Colonel Brandon rather than Willoughby whom she romanticised is probably a lesson in being too dreamy and less realistic about love.

Dozer Mon 17-Apr-17 07:28:59

And elizabeth bennett warmed to mr darcy when she saw his grounds at pemberley!

Why the intention not to seek a relationship until your DC is of school age? Sounds like you're not in the right place in terms of your mental health and wellbeing to date at present, but if you work on that, your own life and priorities, and set your twat radar well, no reason why you shouldn't have a relationship before then if you'd like this.

Bananamanfan Mon 17-Apr-17 07:33:29

I'm really surprised the amount of threads on MN referring to 'the one', 'soulmate' etc. It's just fairytale/Disney BS to encourage women to put up with being abused.
My abusive exH was keen on all of these terms. All relationships require hard work & mutual respect for love to be there.
Please give up on 'true love', op. It's not in your best interests.

fedupandnogin Mon 17-Apr-17 07:43:47

I feel the same as you OP. And I know what some of the other posters are saying but you do hear of people that have met their 'soulmate' and all of those things you mention. I have had relationships with men who turned out not to be good life partners (a couple of these I was in love with :-/ ) and people that were good life partners but I didn't feel as though they were my soulmate - there was something missing.

DevelopingDetritus Mon 17-Apr-17 07:48:18

BS to encourage women to put up with being abused. I don't get that connection.
I agree what others have said with regards to building yourself up and feeling whole before going in for a relationship though.

jeaux90 Mon 17-Apr-17 07:50:05

Single mum too here. I did a lot of work on myself when I left. Had a few ups and downs by really got comfortable with myself, hung out with my friends and family, people who loved me. Did a bit of OLD

Made a fresh start in a new town 6 years ago, took up a couple of new hobbies. I met a few new friends.

Slowly, and be kind to yourself.

Then a year ago i met someone. Ticks all those boxes but I'm taking it slow because now I am truly independent I don't need a relationship but I want one, a part time one grin

noego Mon 17-Apr-17 08:16:41

I found love, true love, pure love, unconditional love, I found my soul mate, I found a true emotional connection.
It was with myself smile
But since I did and I am so happy with myself, constantly smiling, constantly cheerful, It seems to draw people of the opposite sex to me.
So find your true self and then take it from there.

DevelopingDetritus Mon 17-Apr-17 08:55:39

*I found love, true love, pure love, unconditional love, I found my soul mate, I found a true emotional connection.
It was with myself smile* I've come to the conclusion this is the only person you can truly rely on.

SandyY2K Mon 17-Apr-17 09:04:34

Please give up on 'true love', op. It's not in your best interests.

I disagree. True love does exist and don't settle for less or you'll be miserable or just plod along.

I think those who settle don't know their worth.

I'm not saying life's a fairytale, but at the very least look for a man who respects you, is kind to you and who loves you. That's not much to ask.

ZaziesPaws Mon 17-Apr-17 09:17:03

Think you can be soulmates with someone else, but it's a three step process...

Step One

Be yourself, a self that you are happy with

Step Two

Meet someone who you're about a 70-80% match with. There are at least a few of these for everyone. Not loads, so there's not one hanging out on every street corner, but it's also not like looking for a needle in a haystack either.

Step Three

Spend time with them, build a life and relationship. After a bit of time and shared experience, you become soulmates. You don't pick your perfect soulmate up off the shelf- both you and the soulmate need a bit of tailoring and wearing in to fit properly. And maintenance to continue to fit.

But you do need to pick someone who has the makings of a soulmate- this means someone who is prepared to work at relationship, invest time and their own vulnerabilities into it. Someone with character.

DevelopingDetritus Mon 17-Apr-17 09:36:03

That's good advice Paws, I think it is a needle in a haystack though. The commitment by both parties is so important. I've been in touch with a couple of men, we seemed to be so well matched but they just can't seem to make the leap to the next level.

JK1773 Mon 17-Apr-17 09:57:33

Agree with Paws totally. Spend time on yourself, be honest with yourself about what makes you happy and relaxed. Enjoy being on your own. Only once you're there are you ready for a relationship in which you can be yourself, confident and not needy because you don't 'need' it, you want it, and that's different. It sounds cheesy but it's very very true

DevelopingDetritus Mon 17-Apr-17 10:03:40

* you can be yourself, confident and not needy because you don't 'need' it, you want it,* That's a great line too.

PoorYorick Mon 17-Apr-17 10:04:40

Jane Austen never married or had children....

I think if you read her novels carefully, she definitely likes the happy ending, but there's a wry, self aware tone in the playfulness that suggests she didn't really believe her stories were likely to come true, nice as they would be. Not that love doesn't exist or can't be found. Just that these sorts of stories were intended as escapism. She's the founder of modern romance and chick lit, after all.

ZaziesPaws Mon 17-Apr-17 10:11:07

Detritus hmm, I get what you mean, but think it's a mindset thing.

By this I mean, I really think it's easier to become soulmates with someone who is a 70-80% match when you meet, than with someone who is a higher match, say 80-90% initially. You both have enough in common to get on, but still have room to grow into one another. And it means that it's pretty obvious 1. That you'll have to work at it to make it work 2. The fact you don't agree on everything won't be a shock down the road.

Also, I would say that if you make "ability to commit to and work on a relationship" an absolute deal breaker criteria for whether you're a match with someone or not, you'll see that you aren't really a match with those guys. That criteria is absolutely central.

If a partner is like a house, I wouldn't buy a wreck. But I also wouldn't buy a turnkey. I'd go for a fixer upper with sound structure, character and proven history, that might need a bit of decorative repair. I'd consider something that needed a non-load bearing wall knocked down. Something that has an outbuilding to be converted later or space to add an extension would be a bonus. (By proven history I don't necessarily mean in romantic relationships- it could be long-term friendships, good relationships with family, ability to stick with and grow withsomething like a job or study long-term.)

Fireandflames666 Mon 17-Apr-17 10:25:59

I don't think true love or soul mates exist. There's always someone better put there, wether you meet "the one" or not.

DevelopingDetritus Mon 17-Apr-17 10:34:10

I'm just feeling a bit jaded ATM with OLD.

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