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Fix a friendship or let it go?(20 Posts)
I'm having some friend issues and wonder if you wise ladies can share your thoughts.
There are 2 women lets call them A and B, I have been friends with A for several years, B was initially my friend but became a mutual friend to A after they met during my wedding.
We were all friends for several years but when we would go out together I would often feel like A & B had been gossiping about me behind my back and there were several incidents of bitchy raised eyebrows between the two of them.
18 months ago I fell out with B and decided to end the friendship she had become openly bitchy towards me and eventually I found I couldn't continue with the friendship.
Now A & B are still friends and see each other regularly, Recently A has started to become openly bitchy towards me in the same way B was and I feel it's in part due to B.
A is a mutual friend of dh and is supposed to be god mother to DC in a few weeks but I'm starting to dread seeing her.
The latest incident was this week when I was discussing Easter and getting an Easter egg, I'm lactose intolerant so don't usually have dairy if I can help it but I make an exception for Easter and Christmas because life's too short and I can live with being ill for a few days now and again, A had a massive go at me about having chocolate and you are either allergic or not.
I just replied I'm actually intolerant and it's Easter so I'm allowed for 1 day and it's my choice/ problem to get sick, A then had a massive sulk. I told dh what happened when I got home and even he agreed it didn't sound like something A would say and it was very strange for her.
What should I do? I have a few issues with setting boundaries and letting people walk all over me (speaking up this week was a big thing for me) so as much as I feel I should start to back off from A I also feel like I have to keep the friendship going especially as we've already asked her to be god mother but I also feel like I can't keep seeing her if I'm going to get bitchy comments every time.
Should I bring it up with her? How do I essentially say I feel she's being a bit of a bitch and it's influenced by B without essentially ending the friendship I'm so crap with words people always take the worst meaning and I already feel that at the moment at least she's looking for the worst in me so she can point it out/ take issue with it.
Sorry this is so long!
What were the raised eyebrows about? What was B openly bitchy about? Sounds like you need to talk to A about everything, the raised eyebrows, why she is so irritated by you eating chocolate etc. Try and get her to explain why. If this goes well perhaps you can rebuild your friendship but it does sound as if A and B have a friendship based on bitching about you. It might be time to at least downgrade your friendship with A and godmother sounds a bad idea right now. It sounds very upsetting all this. I also have been not assertive enough in friendships, it's tough - but it sounds like you are getting there. If being assertive makes friendships fail then i think you are better off without them.
I think you need to talk openly to A.
First prepare yourself to use lots of I language.
But tell her how you feel about specific incidences such as the chocolate. Explain why you might be especially sensitive to people "gossiping" about you (especially past the experience of bullying).
And ask her if she really wants to be a God mother, you can put this in different ways depending on whether you still want her to be one.
At the end you might have lost a friend but at least you will know where you are.
Well I'd be reconsidering her being dc Godmother for a start. Sounds like that friendship may have ran it's course too sorry.
I'm currently trying to decide if I should continue a friendship I've had since I was 12. It's not easy to admit when it's over I know
If you tend to make a big thing about your dairy intolerance and then eat dairy, then yes it's your choice, but it's quite irritating to listen to. It depends really on whether you are pragmatic about it, or are likely to whinge about being sick.
But yes sounds like the friendship has run its course.
You dont want to see her when shes being like this but worry that telling her that she's being a bitch will end the friendship?
I get that and how hard it is to call people out when they make you feel shit. Previously I've always gone down the route of oh they are probably having a tough time or I'm being sensitive etc but now I tell people, I have to work up to it but I tell them. Solid friendship will survive honesty.
However you have a time limit with regards to her being God parent, I wish I'd made a different choice of god parent, second time round the friendship was not as strong but felt obligated, this person is now not in my life and there was someone else I should have chosen.
It will be hard and shit but someone you dread seeing being an influence in your childs life? Not ideal.
You can do this, they don't need you to keep things comfortable, she has no issue making it uncomfortable for you.
I don't make a big deal of it, I never mention it unless we are eating out and I have to ask the serving staff or if I have a choice I might suggest somewhere I know I'll have a few options, even then I sometimes have to just eat what's available.
The raised eyebrows have been for lots of reasons us being out to eat and me having something with dairy in because the only other option was salad. (Salad isn't food I'd starve)
I had huge issues with work and had a really stressful time due to a colleague bullying me and got quite upset talking about it one night and they just sat there making faces at each other.
In fact A asked me about what is happening when I saw her this week, kept asking questions and when I finally tried to explain what I was doing about getting another job (I need to sort some COD out first) she walked off because she decided that DC needed to go look out the window.
A does have a lot going on at the moment and even dh has remarked she's become hard work recently but having been through a tough time myself I was never rude or dismissive of my friends I've sat and listened for hours, offered dinners and lifts etc.
I feel awkward bringing stuff up because of everything she has going on, it's not something short term either, it's only going to get worse.
When I fell out with B it was because she'd been a shit friend while I was going through some horrible medical issues and when I called her out on it she turned around and made it all about her. I missed her birthday (ill) I hadn't made an effort to see her since (because she cancelled) I had ignored her messages for over a week (I was in hospital) I was avoiding her because I hadn't got her presents for birthday or Christmas (I had 2 lovely presents I'd put a lot of time and thought into wrapped ready for when I saw her)
I feel like if I call A out she'll do the same, I know she was not impressed we missed her birthday because DC was sick and neither of us wanted to go out drinking while the other was at home with sick child.
B is a queen bee type so wendying is something she would do, she actually blocked me and ended the friendship when we fell out, but then unblocked me when I had DC and started liking my posts with A tagged in so I've had to block her so she can't see things.
I'm just rubbish at standing up for myself
Tell the one who should be godmother to sod off, sounds like the friendship is dying.
I'm exactly like you re the intolerance to dairy. I try to avoid it but occasionally cave and scoff something delicious and suffer the consequences. I gave in to a clotted cream scone yesterday and spent all night doubled over in agony, farting for Englandbut by god it was so worth it. (DH might disagree)
I can imagine that if you use the intolerance to regularly dictate which restaurants you all go to , or mention it often their it might REALLY piss people off if you then make a (understandable) decision to ignore it when it suits. Your friend might just have been expressing frustration over that.
I'm eying up an Easter egg ATM and deciding if I can go a second night (DH might relegate me to the sofa I think)
I think accept the friendship has moved on. It all sounds too much drama. Up to you if you want you be godmother , I would probably decline.
Please don't use the term wendied it upsets all the nice Wendy's
Loads of times. As you get older it gets easier not to care though. I think there's a misguided idea that if someone makes it clear they don't like you then you feel you should be nicer and nicer to them so they can see how lovely you really are. This almost never happens. I do the exact same back to people as they do to me, niceness met with niceness, rudeness and distance, they get the same back. I give one or two chances in case it's off day but after that I don't bother. I think a lot of people would be happier if they adopted this policy.
Hmm, but if you've cancelled on them loads, I can see why they'd get a bit pissy? I'm not sure I would be super-impressed that you both decided to stay at home with your sick dc if we'd arranged a birthday do - one of you could have shown your face for an hour or so. (Unless it was something very serious).
I mean, you have good reasons for a lot of it and it sounds like you're going through a tough time, but sometimes people don't realise exactly how much of a struggle it is. Or maybe they were just fairweather friends.
Anyway, i wouldn't keep trying and I wouldn't have her as godmother.
don't have her as godmother...why the heck would you
However I do get her point about your lactose intolerance and then you eating chocolate and deliberately making yourself ill in order to eat chocolate - Hmm really don't get that - it's like a selective disorder? Sometimes it is bad enough to mention to staff in a restaurant but sometimes you make yourself ill...
I know someone who became vegan in order to make himself more interesting. He never shuts up about it.
Are they irritated that you make an issue about lactose intolerance in some situations, but can overlook it in others? Frustrated that you are unhappy at work but don't do anything about it? Cancel on them for spurious reasons?
I think, if you were completely honest, you would see that the issue doesn't lie entirely with your friend.
But in many ways it doesn't matter. You don't like each other now, and aren't truly friends. Have a conversation if you need it for closure, withdraw the godmother offer and move on with your other friends who value you properly.
Being ill and my child being sick (for the first time) aren't really spurious reasons both of us not going is probably a bit PFB but I'm not going to leave my child inconsolable to go to the pub. I'd attempted to organise an alternative on both occasions one cancelled on me because she was tired (which is a shit reason imo) and the other wouldn't set a date for an alternative
I'm not a perfect friend I admit I've had a really tough few years and suffered from quite serious anxiety and depression but i have always been there when I was able and spent countless hours listening to them go on about their issues, to then have someone not respect you enough as a person to even let you finish your sentence.
I find it really hurtful
I don't even know how to go about withdrawing the god mother offer and if she really doesn't value me enough to sit and listen for 5 minutes on a subject she enquired about (tbf just don't ask if you are that irritated or uninterested in the answer) why would you accept being god mother?
I'd just hoick up my big girl's pants, take a deep breath & broach the subject about withdrawing the offer of friend A being godmother. Really, after reading your OP & updates, it really couldn't get any worse.
I'd start by saying after lots of considerations between your Dh & yourself, you've both agreed that moving forward its not in the best interest of all parties. You've sensed a change of dynamics in the friendship. It seems that if you ignore recent developments it'll be a waste of time. You don't want to foist the responsibility of such a position on her when you feel her heart isn't in it. If she objects or tries to project onto you. Just tell her not to insult your intelligence, because you're not going to insult hers by your decision.
Unless all the details of the christening are finalised already, just quietly drop her out of it.
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